Josie and I end up laying on top of the messy, unmade bed. The air is filled with this bittersweet silence, something I've never experienced before. I see Josie out of the corner of my eye, stroking a strand of hair.
"I'm not even going to try and comfort you," she sighs.
I turn my head to look at her with a questioning expression on my face. She turns her head to face me as well before laughing a little and saying, "I guess that came out wrong. It's just, I don't think you want to hear, 'Oh it's gonna be ok! Everything will be ok!'" She says it in a mocking tone, and when she's down, the angry look is replaced with one of pure pain. "I just don't think you want to hear that," she repeats.
I blink rapidly to prevent more tears from spilling over and turn my head so I'm staring at the ceiling again.
"I wish..." I start softly.
Josie raises her eyebrows. "Yeah?"
I slap my hands over my eyes and sigh deeply. "I... I wish a lot of things."
Josie doesn't answer. I bring my hands off my face and turn to study her again. And all of a sudden, I wonder.
I wonder if Josie wants me to come home with her.
Home.
Lincoln is just as much home as Omaha is... I have two homes. I was so sure I wouldn't leave the Tolias. So sure I wanted nothing to do with my past.
But... What about Josie? Would she feel rejected if I choose the Tolias over her?
I sigh quietly and reach over to grab Josie's hand. She turns to face me again when she feels my touch.
"How's home?" I ask tenderly.
She smiles and rolls her eyes with a little laugh. "It's... Whatever."
Then her gaze shifts away from my eyes briefly before coming back up.
"Gen... You've never been to the cemetery to see them... Have you?"
I shake my head slowly as the realization gradually dawns on me. No I haven't.
"Did... Did they even get Dad back here?"
She nods and squeezes my hand.
"I... Should see them..." I whisper.
"It's up to you," Josie reminds me gently.
I sit up on the bed and pull my legs up into a criss-cross-applesauce position. Josie props up onto one arm while I hesitantly say, "Josie...?"
She raises her eyebrows as a signal for me to continue.
"Do you... Do you want me to come home with you... Umm... Permanently?" I stutter.
I see something flicker in her eyes before she looks down and tugs at a loose thread on the bed sheets. "Gen, it's... Not about what I want."
"Come on, Josie," I push. "See..." I laugh awkwardly. "I don't... I don't know what I want." I swallow the lump that's begun to form in my throat.
Josie still won't look at me or say a word.
"Josie-"
"Of course I want you to come home, Gen!" she admits, slapping the bed with her hand. "But gosh darn it, you've got an adoptive family already!"
She breathes shakily and I start to feel bad for asking.
She closes her eyes and shakes her head, laughing a sad laugh.
"Gen, don't worry about it. Whatever you decide, you won't be that far from any of us."
I nod. But I feel like this is a big deal anyway. I mean, your family influences you all your life. If your related to someone by blood, does it give you an automatic responsibility to put them first?
But I can't leave. I'm still seeing the kids in the hospital, and the Tolias...
But Mom, Dad, Elena, Max... Josie... Little Franklin...
I shake my head and look at Josie.
"Josie we don't have to think about all that right now. Come on, tell me how stuff is. Then let's..."
I look around the room for something to do. Finding nothing but the TV, I say, "Watch some Nick Jr. like we did in the good ole days!" I shoulder Josie playfully and she rolls onto her back and let's herself chuckle.
"Well, you'll be sad to know that little kid shows are not nearly as amazing as they were when we were young 'uns," she remarks.
"Really???" I ask with a laugh.
She nods and lifts her back on the bed so her head is against the sheets and tilted up. With a dramatic flop of her hair, she fully sits up. "Backyardigans isn't even on anymore..." she informs me.
I give a gasp that, in all honesty was only half-fake. We adored that show as kids! We'd spend half our time together watching this shows and the other half having dance parties singing along to the songs from the show that we'd blast from Josie's radio.
She laughs, but seems to be getting slightly serious again. Both of us are hitting nostalgia at the same time, I can tell.
We're both back to being stuck in the past.
"Gen, babe, you have to come home!"
"After this episode plllleeeaaassee, Elena come on!"
"Get your rear end out here Gen," Elena laughs. "It's time for Church. Backyardigans can wait.
I put on my best puppy lip and face Josie. She giggles and says, "Don't worry I won't watch the rest without you."
I smile widely and hug her. "Thanks Josie! Love you!"
We would never get to finish that episode together. The next day was that fateful day, the worst one of my life.
Josie looks at me and smiles a little. "I never could bring myself to finish that episode," she says trying to sound like she was just messing with me.
I smile at her and bring her in for a hug.
I'm almost crying again but I convince myself to calm down. Josie's right. We won't be far whether or not choose to stay with the Tolias.
Well. At least it was a comforting thought at the time.
