Everybody tries to make small talk. The attempt only lasts a few minutes and when Mama, Papa and Ben walk in holding Liam between them, they are greeted by that same old solemn silence.
Ben looks at me with a relieved look in his eyes. Then she shifts his gazes to the girls huddled in the corner.
"Does she know what happenned?" he whispers.
Before anyone can answer that I sternly whisper, "Would someone just explain the situation already?"
The whole family starts looking at each other as if each of them was begging not to be the one to talk. Finally, with a big sigh, Bridget comes over and kneels next to my bed.
"How much do you remember?" she asks slowly.
I bite my lip and answer, "Some guy swerved to avoid hitting a dog and-"
"Ended up hitting a human instead." Michelle is seething.
Bridget throws an impatient glance at her over her shoulder. Then she turns back to me and nods.
"It was pretty bad. The biggest part of the impact was right at the part of your chest over your heart... Your rib snapped and... Poked a hole in your heart... Um..." she swallowed hard.
"You finally woke up twelve hours after your heart transplant."
I am surprised at how little I can react emotionally at this exact moment in time. The information should've left me crying or at least a little dazed but I listen to Bridget as if she was giving nothing more than a weather report.
"Wow. Um..."
And then suddennly... I get mad... I don't know why and I don't even think it makes logical sense but I'm mad.
Why did I survive? Why did Lacy die?
It's not that I wish I was dead... No, that's not it at all I just...
I look up through the water that has decided to show up in my eyes after all, fighting back the urge to scream my lungs out-that would hurt like heck anyway. Bridget eyes have that look in them. That look that says she hasn't said everything yet.
Looking around the room... Everyone has that look.
"Um... Wow. I... I didn't know we had any... Um... Hearts to give."
Bridget's eyes spill over with tears I hadn't realized she had been holding back.
And out of nowhere it hits me.
Lacy...
No, that's impossible isn't it?
The... Visitation... Or hallucination... Whichever it was comes back to me- like waves threatening to drown me.
"Wait..." I whisper in a voice barely audible.
Don't worry aboutmy earthly body! Don't feel bad!
"Lacy's heart... Is yours now," Bridget whispers, smiling at me through the tears.
When I look at her in that moment, I'm taken back in time, through all the things we've gone through, all the ways we've grown.
It kind of hurts to move much but I want nothing more than to hug Bridge as tight as I possibly can.
Instead, I squeeze her hand and try to process what I've been told.
"But... That's impossible... She was smaller than me... And her health well..."
"The doctors weren't sure how it would go either. But it was your only chance and you guys were closer in size than you might think.
As far as her health... Another miracle happenned hon... Her body is so peaceful. The cancer has truly left her. They found no trace of it in her after she... Left us.
You'll need regular checkups for a while but... You're gonna be ok."
The speech came from Papa and Liam's eyes were trained on his father's the whole time he talked.
I swallow hard and try not to feel immense guilt at the thought of Lacy's little body being... disturbed for my sake. I close my eyes tight to try to get rid of the millions of questions, the guilt, the memories.
One thought gave me peace throughout all of this.
Lacy's heart would keep on beating.
It beats in me even now and the only way I will ever be able to keep strong is if I cling ro my God and live my life in remembrance of my sweet little girl.
Suddenly a girl rushes into the room and throws her arms protectively around Bridget, her blond hair flopping everywhere. She plants a big sloppy kiss on her check and I'm in a weird sort of shock until my brain processes that the girl is Natalie, her best friend.
My heart swells with joy as a genuine smile crosses Bridget's face, only the slightest hints of grief tracing the corners of her mouth.
"Nat, you're kinda a freak, ya know that?" she teases softly.
Natalie, still wrapped around Bridge from behind, gently pats Bridget's cheeck in a sort of mock slap and says, "Hey!" before following with, "I know."
Then, as if suddenly remembering she's in a hospital, she snaps up straight like a soldier and wipes the joy off her face as if it is a sin to smile right now.
I wish she wouldn't. It was so good to have some laughter in here.
I'm scrambling for a way to tell her so when she sits down om the edge of my bed, already letting a slow smile return on its own.
"Hey. You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. I'm glad you are ok," she tells me.
I smile and thank her wholeheartedly.
Recently hit by grief-and then a car-its hard to feel strong. Her words mean a lot to me right now.
"Oh and what your aunt is doing is totally inspiring. I love it so much!"
This comment of Natalie's is met by a slap on the leg from Bridget and then a muffled 'she doesn't know yet' by Megan. And a blank stare from me.
"Ooooohhhh gosh I'm an idiot," Natalie laughs awkwardly.
She meets my gaze and chuckles a little more. "Don't worry it's nothing bad or even a secret really. I just assume she wants to be the one to tell you."
Awkward silence ensues.
And then Bridget mumbles, "My word Natalie. You are such an Eric Gosenberry."
I have no idea what that is supposed to mean-and it soon became evident that nobody except Natalie and Bridget did.
Natalie let out a single chuckle. Which led to Bridget doing the same. And slowly but surely they both were guffawing until they were holding their sides in pain.
I look around at the confused, but obviously amused, faces of the family members around me and feel a glimmer of hope for the future ahead of us.
We will be... ok.
Somehow.
