To say my heart is conflicted would be the understatement of the century.
I am having a horrible mental debate within myself... Wondering if I would rather have lost Justin than Lacy... And all the other kids.
"None of it is fair!" I exclaim out loud, trying to shut up the horrible argument going on in my head.
Bridget looks up at me, the steady stream of tears still falling from her eyes. She opens her mouth but can't get any words out.
"Will I forget Lacy? As I grow up?" Liam asks, his lip quivering.
Bridget shallows hard and hugs him a little tighter.
Little Justin's eyes spill over a little. Slowly, he gets down from the bed and hobbies over to Liam.
"No, you can never forget someone you love," the little guy says.
"But memories go away when you grow up," Liam squeaks. With every word he spoke, I felt that someone was tightening a fist around my heart.
Justin's eyes go to the floor for a second and I can't hold back a whimper of pain.
But then he takes Liam's hand and says, "That's what I was afraid of when my grandpa died. I miss him very much, but he often sees me in my dreams when I'm sleeping!"
Liam sits up a little and wipes his nose with his sleeve. "Really?" he asks, the faintest glimmer of hope returning to his sweet voice.
"Yeah!" Justin smiles sadly.
"Justin? Buddy?" a voice hesitantly calls from the doorway.
I turn to see a man and a woman standing there with looks of deep love and slight bewilderment. I smile a little. These are Justin's parents; I'd met them once or twice before. Their boy is more amazing than they know.
Justin smiles at Liam and then skips over to his parents.
"You ready, Justin?" his dad asks.
Justin looks behind him at me, then back at his parents, then back at me.
He runs over to me and throws his arms around my legs. I struggle to control myself and squat down to hug him back.
"I love you, Justin."
"I love you too, Gen!"
He holds on for quite a while before running back to his parents.
"Ok. Ready now," he says.
His mom and dad look up at me.
"Thank you," she says. "Thank you so much for everything. We'll stay in touch?"
I nod. And mean it.
They throw me one more empathetic smile each and then slowly lead their little boy out of the room. Out of the hospital.
And home.
***************
No one wants to go home. It was suggested st one point but instead, the hospital is letting us stay overnight.
Liam is asleep in Michelle's arms and we are all sitting around watching Lacy's chest raise and fall and willing her heart to keep beating.
I feel so selfish for even thinking about this but... Was what I did for her meaningless? The kidney gave her a few more months... But that's it?
I look at Lacy and silently beg her to open her eyes, just one more time, so I can say I'm sorry....
I'm so sorry I couldn't save you...
