I'm lost again. I can't do this again. I can't mourn again. I can't hurt this bad again. No, she can't leave us, NO!
She can't leave me...
I'm shaking so bad as I silently beg Lacy to open her eyes again, I beg myself to wake up from this nightmare, I beg with all my might that God take me in her place. In all the kid's place.
This family doesn't need me like they need her. I know they love me but...
They'll never love me like I know they love their Lacy.
There is too much building up inside me... and there is nothing I can do with it except let it out.
I start wailing... I clutch Lacy's hand and cover the bed in tears. Never was I ready for this pain.
I can't... I can't....
Someone quietly walks over and stands behind me and wraps new in their arms. Her broken voice trues to calm me but soon gives up and just cries on my shoulder.
I slowly lift my head and see that it's Michelle. Her anger is gone. Her tough skin forcibly ripped off. Her heart is showing like she was never comfortable with. She cries. She cries like I've never seen her cry.
Megan can't take it anymore and rushes out of the room. Michelle looks at me and says, "I'm sorry I have to see... I've gotta..."
"Go," I insist.
She forces a smile and follows Megan. The two are tighter than any other pair I've ever seen. I knew she wouldn't let Megan hurt alone.
I stare at Lacy as the tears continue to flow. Then I dare to glance up at Bridget. Her tears have frozen and she takes in deep yet shaky breathes.
"Why... Why her?" she painfully whispers.
I lower my eyes, not sure what to say to that.
A few minutes slowly tick past... Mr. and Mrs. T are summoned by the doctors again...
And Bridget breaks down again.
Liam runs up to her and climbs into her lap.
"Bridget, don't cry please. It makes me even sadder than I is already," he begs.
She wraps his little figure delicately in her arms and whispers, "I'm sorry buddy... I'm so, so sorry..."
Suddenly, a joyful cry from outside along with the pitter patter of tiny feet reaches my ears.
A little boy appears at the door. He wears a hospital gown with rubber ducks all over it. His Sandy brown hair cut smoothly didn't have to ever come off because it's different what he had... it's different with DIPG.
"Justin?" I whisper.
"Gennie! I was worried about you, I haven't seen you in forever!"
His little legs rush over to me as I get down on my knees, ready for his hug.
"I know, I'm sorry Justin. It's just-"
"It's ok, Gen! I know life is crazy. But guess what Gen??? Guess what???" he squeals, gently pushing me until our faces our only inches away.
"What, Justin?" I smile as a different kind of tears run down my face.
"I'M CANCER FREE!!!!" he shrieks. "The mean tumor went away! The doctors said it wouldn't but it did!!! It went away Gen it went away!!!"
He dances around the room, laughing in pure giddiness, a joyful I'd never seen before.
I don't even know what to feel anymore as I laugh and cry at the same time.
Then suddenly, he goes very somber.
"Gennie? I'll never be the same. I almost... died..."
I swallow hard. "But your tumor went away and you're gonna be ok now."
Justin smile turns back on and he giggles. "Yeah!!! TAKE THAT CANCER!!!"
He runs up to me and hugs me tight again.
"Thank you for helping me along the way," he says. Then he separates and digs into his pocket until he finds, what is now a slightly crushed dandelion.
He holds it out to me. "It's a thank you gift!" he explains cheerily.
The tears won't stop as u take the from his hand and thank him.
His smile becomes suspicious and he asks with all the pure concern in the world, "Gennie, why are you crying?"
I silently debate whether or not to tell him about how little Lacy saved his life.
I look over in her direction... and Justin follows my gaze.
His little legs hobble over to her bedside and he gasps at the sight of her and even steps back a little.
I stand up and go to his side to hold his hand.
"See that girl?"
Justin nods. His thumb is in his mouth, which is always a sign that he's worried.
I take a deep breath so I can make it through what I have to say.
"She took your tumor, bud... She took your cancer away... Cause she didn't want you to die... Even if it meant she'd have to hurt real bad... And die for you."
Justin's eyes don't break away from Lacy's pale face. He slowly takes his thumb out of his mouth so he can talk.
"She talked about how much she loved us... She said she would take it all away if she could..." he reflects quietly. Then his sweet voice breaks a little and says, "I never imagined she actually could..."
He lets go of my hand and carefully starts to climb into Lacy's bed.
I watch his every move so he doesn't touch any of the tubes.
Once he has his balance next to her, he leans down and gingerly kisses Lacy's forehead. A single tear escapes his eye and lands on Lacy's cheek.
She stirs a little and I have a mini panic attack.
But then her eyes just gracefully open. And I watch as they lock with Justin's eyes.
Lacy raises her hand and strokes Justin's cheek.
"Justin!" she croaks happily.
Justin grabs her hand and smiles, seeming at a loss for words.
Then he turns his head a little and says, "Can I give her the thank you gift?"
My eyes pop and I look down at the dandelion still in my left hand.
"Oh of course," I squeak out.
I hand it to Justin and he gently presses it into Lacy's hand.
She smiles and brings it to her chest. The two lock eyes again and no words need to be said. They can read each other. They can feel each other.
They have a way if simply sitting there and loving each other.
Slowly... Once again, it gets too hard for Lacy to hold her eyes open...
Justin bends down and kisses her forehead again...
"My parents are waiting in the waiting room..." he says regretfully.
I shrug and tell him he can go if he wants.
But he shakes his head and says, "The least I can do is stay with her for a while."
My heart swells and breaks at the same time.
What the world could learn from these two young hearts that have been tested too much in their young lives...
