Middle

B E A T R I Z

Kabanata 16

She's back. Wow, after four fucking years of her missing in action now she's back na parang walang nangyari?

"Why are you acting like that?" Tanong ni Jamie sakin.

"What?" Inis kong tanong.

"You're still affected." Akusa niya sakin.

"I am. After all I've been through?"

"Give her a chance to explain, Bei."

"For what? For her to make excuses?"

"Stop acting like you never wanted to see her again, Beatriz." Jia said.

"This was your plan, right?" Naningkit yung mata ko sa inis.

"You were the one who said once a lady eagle always a lady eagle."

"Fuck that phrase." I said with gritted teeth.

Jia snorted. "Know what, Beatriz?  You cannot deny the fact that being with Madeliene had been the best time of your life."

"Oh really?" I sarcastically said.

"She knew you more than any of us — your crazy stunts or your idiotic routines — or should I say everything about you?" Jaime butted in.

"Stop it. Will you?" I was so irritated kanina na dinadagdagan pa nila.

Yes, they were right. I gave everything, I have loved you with all my heart. But what I got in return? She left me without a fucking explanations.

I can't remember how in the world I mended the wounds she gave me; or how I filled the empty holes that are slowly consuming me — because I wanted the pain to stop.

"Do you still remember?" Jia asked. "Kung gaano siya katakot na kausapin ka nung unang pagaaway niyo? I think that was the first real argument; nagiwasan kayo dahil may feelings kayo."

"Stop. Please, don't try to bring it back."

"You said, Madeliene was the best thing you ever had and she was the someone you do not want to lose." Jia said again.

"And then, fate played. I lost that one thing that I was afraid to lose — I lost her." I bitterly said.

"Pero bakit ganoon, Jia?" Tanong ko. "Some people say she's the one who lost. Kasi she was the one who ended this, right?"

Jia nodded.

"Siya yung nangiwan eh. I tried to convince myself na she was the one who lost something worth holding on to."

Jia looked at me. "Kahit pa ulit ulitin mong sabihin yun, you know to yourself na mas nawalan ka."

Hindi ako kaagad nakapagsalita. She's right.

I sighed. "I lost the woman that I love the most. I lost the person who made me the happiest gal."

Jia tapped my shoulder. "Stop thinking about it. You'll gonna be unfair with Jho."

"Just give me this day, Ji. Please?"

Jia sighed. "Bei, she's with Denice now. And looking at her with Denice? You see the happiness we failed to give.."

I sighed again. "God knows how much I miss her."

"All of us, misses her." Jia said. "Kaya nga ako gumawa ng paraan diba?"

"Ji, wala ka ba talagang alam?" I asked her, hoping for an answer.

Umiling siya. "Wala talaga, Bei. I'm sorry."

Napaiwas ako ng tingin. "I want her explanation but I'm scared rn."

"Scared of what?"

"To find out na it wasn't her fault. That it was on me."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe because it was my fault? Na may nagawa talaga ako?"

"Do you remember what happened sa Dumaguete?" Jia asked.

"Hmm?"

"She said hindi raw boto papa mo sa kanya kaya umiwas?"

"Hindi boto kaya umi---- wait, what?!" Gulat kong tanong.

"Oh, fuck. Wala. Nevermind." Agap niyang sabi

"No, no, no. What did you say?"

"I gotta go, Bei!" Aniya pero nahawakan ko siya sa palapulsuhan niya.

"Julia Melissa. What did you said?" Seryoso kong tanong.

"Wala nga kasi!" Agap niya.

"I'm not deaf. Okay?" Iritado kong sabi. "Anong ayaw sa kanya?"

"Hindi niya sinabi nung nagkaayos kayo?"

"Kung sinabi niya I wouldn't be clueless right now."

"Fuck. Napakadaldal mo Julia." Bulong niya.

"Julia."

"..."

"Julia. Ano ba."

"..."

"Julia Melissa!"

"..."

"Ano ba? Bakit ayaw mong sabihin?!"

"Fine! She became distant to you dati kasi your father doesn't like her! She got painful words kaya umiwas siya sayo!"

Nabitawan ko bigla si Jia. All this time, iyon ang dahilan? Ni hindi man lang nila sinabi sakin?

"All this time, you knew but ypu never told me?"

"Kasi nga ayaw niyang malaman mo."

"Fuck!" Frustrated kong sigaw. "Bakit di niyo man lang sinabi sakin?!"

Hindi nakapagsalita si Jia.

"All this time akala ko may mali sakin noon! Tapos yan yun dahilan?!"

"Bea calm down!"

"How can I calm the fuck down?!'

"She was scared to tell you, okay!" Iritableng wika ni Jia. "How can you easily tell someone na ayaw sakanya ng tatay mo? Knowing you, Bea ipaglalaban mo siya. Kaya takot siya!"

"Still that's not an acceptable reason!"

"It wasn't, we know! Pero anong magagawa namin? It was her decision!"

"Sana man lang kahit isa sa inyo sinabihan ako."

"I'm sorry, Beatriz. But that wasn't our story to tell."

Napaupo nalang ako bigla. All this time, sarili kong pamilya ang naging dahilan ng pagiging miserable ko noon. Yun din ba ang dahilan kaya niya ako iniwan ng tuluyan?

I have loved her, maybe I still do.
I always wished the best for you, knowing na akala ko may mali sa akin. Kasi I thought maybe the best for her does not include me anymore — and I'm starting to learn how to live with that. Pero sa nalaman ko ngayon? How in the world I can go with my life?

"Should I ask her?" Tanong ko kay Jia.

Umiling siya. "No. If you did, paano si Jho?"

I sighed. "Don't I deserve an explanation?"

"You both deserve that. Pero, Bea. It will be both unfair to Jho and Denice."

I sighed again. "But, Jia..."

"Wait for her. Maybe she'll expalin when she's ready.."

"Paano kung di naman dumating 'yon?"

"Then, fate had decided." Ani Jia. "You guys are not meant for each other."

I looked at her. Why is it so easy for them to tell me that? Ako sobrang hirap na hirap na ako. Gustong gusto ko ng makawala sa lungkot na nararamdaman ko pero hindi ko pa rin nagawa o makayang gawin man lang.