Middle

Kabanata 12

Kabanata 12

Mas lalo akong lumayo kay Bea pagkatapos akong kausapin ng tatay niya. Oo, alam kong mali yung ginagawa ko dahil wala naman siyang ginawa. Pero masisisi mo ba ako kung mismong tatay na niya ang may ayaw sakin?

I was with Gizelle all the time. Hindi ko alam kung napapansin na ba ng iba at ayaw lang nilang magsalita but Gizelle was extra clingy and sweet.

She's now the only constant in my life. She's my 3am moody buddy. Because 3 am is for the people who are trying to fix their hearts. It's like putting every piece back in your heart just to make you feel okay again; 3 am triggers every memory. It's not that easy, It's suicide actually.

"Ano iniisip mo?" Napalingon ako sa katabi ko.

"Wala, Ji."

"Ang bilis ng panahon no? Parang kailan lang maguumpisa palang yung season 79, ngayon patapos na." Ani Jia.

"Oo nga. Mababawasan nanaman tayo." Malungkot na dugtong ni Kim.

"I'll miss my shawty." Singit ni Jamie.

Yup, I'm with the batchies of Jia Morado. Nakatambay lang kami sa kung saan. Nakakainip din kasi sa bahay.

"Paano pa kaya kapag kayong tatlo na ang umalis sa team?" Tanong ko.

"Oo nga. Sabay sabay pa man din tayo." Ani Kim.

Bigla namang nasamid si Jia sa sinabi ni Kim kaya napatingin kami sa kanya.

"Sorry." Aniya sabay ngiti.

As I was looking at her, parang may iba. Tiningnan ko siya sa mata, bakit parang pagod siya? Ni wala nga kaming ginagawa ngayon.

"Basta, once a lady eagles always a lady eagles." Ani Kim sabay palakpak.

Natawa naman kami sa ginawa niya. I wish we can stay like this forever. But, we have to graduate din naman para makatulong din sa magulang namin.

It was past 7pm nung bumalik kami ng Eliazo. Dumiretso ako sa rooftop para magpahangin. Lately, I'm feeling na I wanted to be alone again. But, Gizelle wouldn't let me.

"Ahhh. You're here." Wika ng taong kakapasok lang. "Pwede ba tayong magusap?"

"Bea." Napatayo ako dahil gumegewang gewang siya kaya mabilis ko siyang inalalayan.

"No! I'm okay!" Aniya sabay hawi sa kamay ko.

"You're drunk."

"No." Aniya sabay hagikhik. "I'm okay."

"Saka na tayo magusap kapag hindi ka na lasing." Wika ko.

Akmang aalis na ako nung hinawakan niya ako. "Please, let's talk.."

Hinayaan ko lang siya. They say drunk words are sober thoughts.

"Do you love me?" Bigla niyang tanong.

I didn't say anything. I do not want to confirm or deny it. Less talk less mistake.

"Are you still my Maddie?" Tanong niya ulit.

I was looking at her. Bea was stressed with her acads and our training. Ayoko ng dagdagan pa yon.

"You know what?" Aniya "I don’t deserve your ‘maybes’."

Napaiwas ako ng tingin. I know where this is going.

"I don’t deserve to hear the word “maybe” from you. I don't deserves to go days without a reply back."

Hinahayaan ko lang siyang magsalita. Alam kong sobra sobra na yung sakit.

"I deserve someone who is fully committed to me and for making my day brighter and better." Aniya.

"I deserve someone na, mageeffort para sa akin. Someone na will make time for me. Someone na kahit busy ako ay gagawa ng paraan just to be with me. Someone na ipaglalaban ako."

"Gustong gusto kitang yayain kumain sa labas o maggala, Mads. Pero I don’t want to hear you tell me that you will “think about it”, or that you will “maybe” go eat with me." Malungkot niyang sabi. "Natatakot lang ako na baka sa bawat pag-aya ko sayo ay mareject lang ako."

Guilt was slowly eating me. Little did I know na mas malaki yung nagiging damage ng desisyon ko para sa amin ni Bea.

"I deserve hugs from you that don’t seem to end.." Malungkot niyang sabi. "And “yes’s” that make me smile so wide."

"I deserve lunch dates with you.. I deserve bedtime chats that last all night.." Wika niya. "Pero bakit parang ang hirap ibigay sakin non?"

Simple because you deserve more, Bea. You deserve more. You deserve someone who actually care; who actually be there to make your life better. You deserve all the yes’s in the world, Bea.

But I never told her that. Natatakot ako na baka maiyak lang ako sa harap niya.

Biglang tumahimik yung paligid namin. Mukhang nakikisabay sa paguusap namin ni Bea.

"I... uh, I usually try to be brave. I try to be positive." Aniya. "Wala tayong naging problema.. yung kay Nicole Tiamzon. But we settled na yung issue na yun diba?"

She was looking at me na parang bang hinihintay niya na ako naman ang magsalita.

"I tried to be optimistic, babe. But lately fate has been challenging me again."

Hindi ko alam kung saan hinuhugot ni Bea mga sinasabi niya sa akin ngayon. She's letting me see her weak.

"I’m tired of the guessing if I did somethig wrong. Kasi minsan we're okay then a moment a later you seem like you don't care at all." She was breathing so hard na para bang nauubusan na siya ng hininga. "I’m tired of telling myself na, 'Bea maybe she's in a bad mood kaya she's not talking to you' or 'Bea she's busy with her acads so please try not to annoy her'."

I saw pain in her eyes. I wanted to hug her but I stopped myself. This is what her father's talking about. I'm destroying the beasts.

"I’m tired of feeling like I need to stop myself from texting you or being clingy so I won't disturb you.." She sighed. "I always tell you na try to open up your heart to me.. I can be your shock absorber, your diary, your ranting wall or what. Just don't hide secrets from me.."

I'm sorry, Beatriz. I can't tell you everything. Maybe nextime but not now.

"So, I told myself to give it another shot, na baka may dahilan ka talaga kung bakit nangyayari satin 'to.." Pahinto hinto na siya sa pagsasalita. "Pero parang wala ka din balak sabihin sakin lahat.."

"It doesn’t make sense to me na bakit you keep on building walls between us. Did you forgot? I am yours and you are mine."

Ang sarap pakinggan, Bea. Pero hindi tayo pwede. Sana kung gaano kadaling nasabi sakin ng tatay mo na ayaw niya sakin ay kaya ko din sabihin sayo lahat.

Kaya kitang ipaglaban, Bea. Pero paano naman ako? Kung pagkatao ko na yung hinuhusgahan nila?

"It just doesn’t make sense to me."

Soon, it will. Sooner or later, bibitawan mo rin ang pagmamahal mo sa akin.

"And you can’t hold onto something that doesn’t make sense anymore." Aniya. "Pero I am Beatriz de Leon, na kahit sobrang labo mo na di pa rin ako bibitaw."

"I maybe the unpredictable, annoying, painful in the ass... still, I am your Beatriz de Leon." Aniya. "Got it, Babe?"

Tinitigan ko lang siya. What did I do to have this Beast? I've been bitchy to her, I avoided her, I ignored her pero here she is, trying to make everything alright.

"Remember, no Madeliene Madayag in Beatriz de Leon's life is invalid." Aniya. "My life will be invalid without you in it. Understood?"