Let Everybody Know - LAMS

26 - the accident

"Oh bubby, no! You're little Luke Skywalker, remember? You're so brave I'm so sorry" Small tears trickled down his cheeks as he hugged Philip as best he could.  I felt my heart pound faster and it felt heavy, I don't know if it was what Philip had said but I felt panic rush through me.

"I'll be back - one second" I scrambled out the door and turned a corner, my hands cupping my face. Every time I blinked I saw an image of me sitting in my mother's lap as she died. Philip was going through exactly what I went through- what I promised that I wouldn't let happen. At least John wasn't dying, though.

A loud, never-ending beep and a wail knocked the thoughts and flashbacks out of my head. I pushed myself off the marble floor and into the hospital room, laying eyes on Philip crying and shaking John's arm.

" Philip-?" I started and then it all came to me, the realisation. I slammed my hand down as fast as I could on the nurse call button but the nurses and doctors had already flooded in. I grabbed Philip and spun him around, leading him out the door while I waited for the long beep to stop, to go back to the heart rate beep, the sound that comforts you at a hospital. Like what Peggy had said, "it flatlined and started again, I saw it"I waited for what felt like hours until I couldn't hear any sound at all from the room except for the bustling of people behind the closed doors.

I felt my heart sink- and I felt Philip shaking against my legs and digging his nails into my hand. Every part of me felt numb except for where he was.

"Where's Dada?" He asked, voice trembling as much as the rest of his body was.

"I don't know, Philip. He's not anywhere right now"

-

The waiting room seats felt colder and I had begun to rip up the scrappy fake cyan coloured leather off them by digging my nails in deeper until I got to the filling.

"Alex, what happened?" Maria asked, placing her hand on my knee. I didn't respond with words or movement, I just watched Philip who was sitting in front of me with his Poe Dameron action figure.

-

This time, a nurse  approached me with a doctor. She had her brown hair tied up into a neat bun and you could see the faint colours of her pink button up shirt under the white doctors coat. "Relatives and friends of John Hamilton, hi, I'm Doctor Cara, you can call me Alessia but, I'm here to inform you, about John Hamilton" her voice trailed off a bit.

"I'm Troye Mellet" the nurse showed us a half smile as he began to talk. "We hate to be meeting you in these circumstances, but we have sad news for you" I felt like someone had stabbed me right then and there. I knew what was coming, Peggy knew what was coming, which I could tell from how she squeezed the life  out of my hand. " despite all our effort and determination, after the unfortunate car accident..... John died" Doctor Alessia glanced at the nurse and started to speak once more.

"We're so sorry, do you need to- or want to know any details?" She questioned.

"Um, did you say.. died?" I asked, voice soft.

"Unfortunately, yes" she replied calmly. I let Philip sit on my lap and cry into my shirt as I attempted to communicate with the doctor and nurse.

"Can you... email me the details?" I asked, hesitantly. "I don't think I can hear them right now" I admitted, feeling somewhat small and helpless. The feeling of being stabbed didn't go away, it felt permanent, though it was nowhere near as bad as hearing what the doctor had told me.

"Of course" Doctor Alessia nodded.

"Thank you" I croaked out before quickly getting up and making my way to the elevator. My lips were sealed and my eyes didn't stray away from anything that wasn't directly in front of me. Peggy walked with Philip to the car and I walked with Maria, leaning on her shoulder in need of comfort.

"Alex, you want to go straight home? Anything you need?" She asked politely, trying her best to wipe away every tear that escaped her sparkling brown eyes. I shook my head and we cautiously drove back to john and I's- my apartment.

--
Maria pulled out the key to the apartment I'd given her and pushed open the door, avoiding any eye contact with any part of the apartment except the floor. I think that's what we all did, considering the apartment was decorated by John.

"Hey, guys, can you possibly... stay the night? You can have the guest bedroom or John and I's room if you want, I'm sleeping on the couch" I said quietly. "It'll be weird sleeping in our  room and not having him next to me"

"We'll take the main one" Peggy said. Leading Philip up to his room.

"Hey, Lexi" Maria smiled, sitting down next to me on the couch. "We're all here for you"

"But John's not" My eyes started to burn with tears and I tried to blink them back but I couldn't. I failed. I failed him and I failed Philip. I failed Peggy and Maria. Eliza and Theo, Hercules and Lafayette and Angelica. It was all my fault. I suggested surprising Peggy with the wedding dress, I organised it for that date, I got lost in a new topic when I should've been getting him to put his seatbelt on. It was my fault.

"Lexi, he's always here in our hearts and minds, don't try and forget him and I know it'll drive you crazy, it'll feel like your life is falling out of place piece by piece, but you know what? You'll get through it. One day, you're going to wake up and see a picture of John and you'll smile, you'll think back to the memories and you'll laugh at how stupid and fun you were. At group hang outs we'll retell the stories of how each of us met each other. He's always here if you don't push his memory out." She smiled and looked up at Philip's room. "Take care of Philip. He's your priority, he needs you"

"Hey, Alex, I'm going to sleep now. It's eleven-thirty. Don't hesitate to wake Maria or I up if you need us." Peggy said from the landing upstairs, smiling a little.

"I'll go too, sleep tight hammy. Also, take the guest bedroom, you're not sleeping on the couch" Maria said as if it was a fact. I grinned thankfully and before I knew it she was out of sight.

--
"Hey Skywalker, how are you feeling?" I asked quietly when I got to Philip's room, cautious of waking up Peggy and Maria. "I  made you cookies and got you a ton of milk, you in the mood for making fun of DC movies?"

A smile took over his face and he nodded hastily. "But you can't make fun of batman. He's the best. Even though his movies aren't. I think that's how all DC characters are" I ruffled his hair and led him downstairs.

"I'm sorry, Philip"

"About what?"

"Everything"

"Don't be. I love you"

"I love you more"

He rested in my lap while we ate junk food and watched Green Lantern. Half an hour into the movie I realised I was playing with his hair. It looked a lot like John's.

-
I'm still crying someone help me I'm not even lying. I'm not exaggerating I'm  s o b b i n g.

Also I finished the whole of  season three and four of Brooklyn nine nine in one day and idk wether I'm proud of that or not