Simply Hard

Chapter 13

I broke down it to tears in the corner of his bathroom. I was pathetic and messed up in my mind. Aidan mentioned the word 'mum' ONCE and I had to leave at the thought of her. My selfish mother that once said she loved me.

Tears poured out of me like a waterfall. I was crying of one simple word. Mother. Some one who's supposed to care, look over and love you. Every day, I doubt if mine ever did.

Isolation hollowed me in my soul. I come home every day to find my mum is no longer with me. And it was my fault. I broke my parents up. I drove my own mother out of our family. It was all me and my stupid metal disorder.

An almost silent knock echoed from the wooden oak bathroom door. A small yet heavy sigh started before they spoke. "Ella," Aidan's voice broke the screaming silence that seem to only be covered with my small sobs. "Are you ok?"

I shook my head despite the fact he couldn't see me. But he didn't truly care. It was Aidan. The boy who called me a bitch for walking into him. The one who hated me and was close to not even letting me into the band without a bass guitarist.

"Ella," he sighed again. "I can hear you crying. I have broken into this bathroom on my little brother before," he chuckled trying to lighten the mood. "I will do it again."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to close the door to any upcoming tears. I felt the warm salty liquid roll down my cheek as I pushed my self to my feet. With shaking hands, I hesitantly unlocked the door and jarred it open to reveal my bloodshot eyes, puffy bags underneath them and wet cheeks.
He stood there in silence, looking down at me, with  emotions mixing through his eyes so fast I couldn't read them. His jaw was slightly tense and his usual cold grey eyes were slightly sympathetic. Aidan pushed the bathroom door open further and wrapped me in his embrace, his chin resting perfectly on my head.
Holding my breath, I shut my eyes, tightly, hoping from no tears to overflow.

Even with the small amount memory I had now, that was the first hug I could recall between Aidan and I.

"Ella, you can cry no one is going to see you but me." He reassured me, rubbing his thumbs soothingly on my back.

"But I'll get your t-shirt wet," Quietly, I spoke with a raw voice.

Aidan scoffed lightly as if I made a stupid joke. "It'll wash out, Ella, you can cry as much as you want."

I slowly let the tears fall one by one. It felt so much better to cry into someones arms and not in the corner of a room. Aidan's arms enclosed me into his body as I cried harder and harder. My throat was raw and rare while my eyes get more puffy.

I still couldn't believe I told him. I told him how I drove my family apart and he was still here hugging me and some how making me feel better in this comforting silence.

"It wasn't your fault, Ella." He insisted.

"It was." I chocked my words out through my tears. "I drove my parents apart."

I shook my head in doubt as my forehead leant on his chest. One of Aidan's had cupped my face and made me stand up straight with my head facing him. His finger and thumb took my chin and brought it closer to his face.

I heard my sobs slow down as the air hit the wet part of my cheeks, cooling them down instantly. "Listen to me Ella," he ordered softly. "It wasn't your fault. Your mother was a sick women if she couldn't love you."
Aidan stared into my eyes with warning and authority as he told me what to believe. But I didn't believe him. I knew it was all on me.
I nodded my head, despite this.
"Your mum was selfish, you never did anything wrong. You can't help having ADHD." He brushed a bit of hair behind my ear.

I noticed our bodies were stuck together. I swallowed the bowling ball in my neck and watched as Aidan eyes quickly fell to my lips and back.
He dropped his hands from my waist and face and took a step backwards. I let out a breath that tried to hide itself from existence in that awkward moment. Aidan turned around after taking my hand.

He led me to a small cream coloured bedroom. A single sized bed sat in the corner against the wall with a rich wooden bed side table sitting next to it. Aidan released my hand from his interlocking fingers and warmth.
He wandered over to the bed and threw its cover over.

"What are you doing?" I asked shakily.

"Your not driving home when your crying and can barely see." He told me. "You can stay in our spare room."

Aidan gave me a small yet warm and offering smile. I tried to smile back but failed in the attempt as I ended up biting my lips together like I did in awkward situations. "Thank you," I said quietly.

He stood away from the bed as I walked closer to it. "No problem."
He sighed heavily and bent down to my hight after I had wrapped myself in the checked sheets.
He turned the lamp off and gently kissed my temple. "It wasn't you fault, Els."

I closed my eyes as his foot steps got further and further away.
"Aidan?"
He stopped and turned around.

"Yeah?"

"What happened to your mum?"

He sighed and stood by my bed. "She died of cancer."

"I know that, but," I sighed. "What was she like?"

It was clear Aidan lived his mum, but after knowing what my mother did, I was never sure if I could love my mum just as he did.
"Do you still not remember her?" He asked. I shook my head.

"She was the best." Aidan chuckled, sitting down on the bed.
"She was like you really. She loved books and music. When you were ten she taught you how to read older books because I never liked them much. I spent so much time outside and away from her she almost adopted you as her new daughter." He laughed as he looked down at me. He took my hand and began to fiddle with it.

"You would have loved her, Els. You did, you thought she was like some sort of hero." Aidan smiled.

"Stop," I whispered quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"Your telling me what she was like to me, not what she was like to you." I said.
"What was she like as a mother? To you."

"Like I told you," he smiled faintly. "She was the best. I just was never the best son. I wish I would of let her show me the books she showed you."

I sighed. "When I remember," I said. "I'll show you everything she taught me."

Aidan smiled, a tear forming in his eye. "No wonder why my mum liked you." He chuckled.

We stayed silent. Aidan repeated the circle like movements he made on my hand over and over.
It's like we were different people. We weren't best friends again like we were before the accident, but we weren't enemy's any more either.
I wanted to remember everything about him again so I could tell him he was a great son and so I could comfort him every time we talked about our parents. But I couldn't. The comforting conversations between us were a one way street. And I felt guilty about it.

"My mum wasn't like her was she?" I asked.

Aidan shook his head sadly. "No." he said. "She was horrible to you, Els. You did everything you could do and more but she was still a bitch to you." Aidan told me with a tense draw.
"She didn't deserve you as a daughter."

His hand squeezed mine as I softly made out the words, "Thank you".
Aidan simply kissed my head goodnight and left the room.