Fractured

Chapter 60

He knew he will most likely die.  He lied to me, I realized.  He lied.  He said he would follow me, be right behind me.  But he must have known this whole time... that was never an option.  To follow after me and hide away safely with me.  He must have known... that there was such a slim chance of survival.  Of him getting out of there after I ran....  That lying fucking bastard.  I wont see him again... I wont hold him to me.  Because he had to be dead.  Even though in my head I kept repeating he was okay, he promised he would follow me.  He loved me and he wouldn't do this to me.... 

That was just it though, the reality of it all.  Because knowing Luke... he would lie. He absolutely would lie and do that even though he loves me.  Because I'm all he cares about and my safety.  Me over him... and it brought a sickness to my stomach that made me push it out of my head yet again.  Every time I thought about that... I pushed it out, not able to mentally or physically deal with that.  Until I wanted to cut all of my thoughts off.

I didn't cry.  I felt the large lump still near and around in the back of my throat.  But that sob never came... it never hit me because I wouldn't let it.  Even as my breath went wild with my trembling body from the cold and the aftershock.  

I sucked in a hard breath and groaned in a small whimper, bitting down hard on my bottom lip.  Shut up, shut up, shut up I kept telling myself.  No thought of why I should keep my thoughts closed.  I just needed too.  I couldn't face all this in one night.  Couldn't face that realization that he knew he could die - and that he probably had.  My pain needed to be dispersed.... in small amounts and over a long time especially after everything.  So much pain... I wanted it gone for now.  I couldn't cry.  Not yet.

I couldn't think.  Even though there was much to ponder. Like what happened to my dog?  Who did this and why would they?  Was this Clare or was this the gang - neither would make much sense?  How did Francis get involved?  It all just... was too much.  Sighing, my eyes locked on one spot for so long, I felt them want to water.  I blinked a few times though... and was brought back to my surrounding area of the kitchen.  Of how cold I was.  I sat up slightly and set the gun down for a moment.  Gnawing on my lip gently, I took the two ends of the coat Francis gave me and wrapped it closer against my body before picking the gun back up again.  I know nothing was probably going to happen... I just needed to hold the gun was all.

However, I might have thought so too quickly.  My ears perked at a sound... a sound coming from near the front door.  My eyes darted up to the door that was a few yards away... but close enough to hear something.  I was positive it was the wind or something else.  I just continued to tensely sit there, straining to hear it again, whatever that noise was.  Until I heard something much louder a moment later.  And that was the rattle of the door handle.  Of someone on the other side, trying to get in.  And trying violently, the sound echoing loudly seemingly through the quiet house. 

My already fast beating heart sped up and jumped at the noise of someone trying the door.  And trying over and over as if frustrated.  I was simply frozen, at best.  But... not for long.  If whoever is out there comes through that door, I don't want to be in the corner of the kitchen on the floor as I was.  Because they would be after me... and if they see me, which there is a good chance they would, there would be nowhere to go.  So, as I sat there and listened, filling with fear, I knew I needed to move.  Get up and hide elsewhere maybe.  Or even better... don't hide.

I didn't let anything process so much to the point where everything hit me - like the good chance that Luke was dead.  I didn't accept it.  But I did accept that these assholes wanted to harm us and probably harmed Luke.  I didn't want to hide, I didn't even want to be here to begin with.  I wanted to be out there, looking for him.  So I'm sorry but I wont hide.  I wont.  Especially when it only sounded like one person on the other side of that door.