I Was Here (Watty Awards 2012)

It was quiet. Looking out the window, I could hardly see any stars with the glits of the city lights. Even though it was well past midnight, cars were still on the street, people still on the night beach. My last day at this place. The place I lived forever. I was gonna miss it. Getting up slowly, I walked through my room, running my cold hand over the purple walls one last time.

My room. It never grew old on me. The same purple, the toys, the clothes scattered around. My mom was begging for me to clean the mess up. Sorry mom, not tonight. Not ever. Your rebellious daughter had important work to do.

My lips curled into what might have looked like a smile when I reached the wall where I had made a huge collage. It was a collection of everything I liked. Pictures of family, friends, school, music, celebrities, crushes, cars, puppies, food. It was basically my life portrait. Would I miss it? I don’t know.

I stepped away from it, and stood besides the bed table. My voice was calm and firm inside my head, and I followed her.

Go, grab the bottle

Open the top  

Gulp all of it

I knew it. I had only a few minutes to live now. But, how did it matter? I didn’t have much life to live even if I hadn’t gulped the sleeping pills.

How was I gonna spend the last few minutes of my life? I knew what I was gonna do. There was gonna be no crying, no flashbacks, no regret. I was gonna leave this world on my own terms. I was gonna leave with my best companion in the world. Music.

Putting on my headphones, I played my music on shuffle. As if my laptop knew it was the last time I’d use it, it played ‘I miss you.’ I sang along with the song, the lyrics memorized in my brain.

Then, something clicked. They deserved to know why their fifteen year old killed herself just after she got the offer letter from her dream high school, got A*s in IGCSE, and was still a virgin. Why did their only child, only ray of hope decide to end it all in one go. My parents had the right to have answers, and I was gonna provide them with those. I was gonna provide all the people I knew with an explanations of my actions tonight.

Opening Microsoft Word, I began typing in my favorite font.

Dear everyone I love,

By the time you read this, it’ll be too late. I’ll be gone, perhaps for a better world. Perhaps in hell, a place worse than Earth. Perhaps there was nothing after life. But I’m not afraid of the consequences right now. I’m not afraid of death. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t seem all that scary.

Why did I kill myself? There are reasons not everyone may understand or agree on. I don’t know if I can type what I feel right now. But I need you to know that I took this decision with a lot of thinking and pondering. And that for me, I made the best decision I could in this situation.

I think whoever is sad that I’m gone deserves to know I was detected with Leukemia, or in other words blood cancer, just over a week ago. Actions were taken, and medications and chemo therapy started off five days ago. I don’t think there are enough words to describe the excruciating pain. Even with that, I’d have just a few years to live. A few years of agony, tears and regret. No, I don’t accept that. I want to leave this world as I am today, and not as a helpless teenager.

And, I need my parents to live their life. Mom, Dad, this one is for you. I love you, I really do. And that’s one of the reasons I’m leaving. I don’t want you to see your baby girl suffer every moment of her life; I can’t make you see my life slip away slowly yet steadily. You don’t deserve that torture. No parent deserves that.