No really, I'm okay. I'm also a great liar.

the end of all things (my soulful goodbye to insomnia as a college student)

We spend the remainder of our college career basically wrapped around each other.

It's funny, as in a relationship most think you tend to lose yourself. I feel more like myself than I ever have. More unique, more of an individual. And also like I'm part of something important.

It feels so odd to think that we're on our own in a matter of days. Which, when you think about it, is just a matter of hours, a matter of minutes.

You're going to give yourself an existential crisis, I think as I pour the milk into my cereal, then sit on the counter and swing my legs back and forth.

Honestly, I only see life out of college as life in college, only without classes and with taxes.

It sounds pretty wonderful, to be honest. (This was a lot scarier before I met Annabelle, though. Now I know no matter how hard it is I will be with my girlfriend.)

(I just can't get over how wonderful it feels to all someone so incredible my girlfriend.)

(Even mentally, it's amazing, like I'm floating on a sunset-saturated cloud breathing in sunshine.)

Rose and I have taken to meeting for coffee at the CD shop, and it's a lovely escape; train rides always calm me down, and so does the easy banter that comes between the two of us over a good book or steaming coffee.

It feels like a secret, just for us. One that people know of but never know. This is a part of me that exists just in that shop, just with Rose.

My parents are coming up to attend the graduation; which I truly was not sure would happen. We've never been super invested in the others' lives.

However, it is what it is, and suddenly it's the night before graduation. Annabelle throws a party at her house.

And by that, it's understood that Jenna and Jacob came to her apartment in their pajamas. We build a blanket fort and drink a bit of rosé and eat Insomnia cookie-brownies (for the last time as a college student; I may or may not have teared up when I placed the order) and watched Fantastic Beasts.

I look up at Jenna and Jacob across the room. She's fallen asleep (Jenna has a terrible tendency to fall asleep during good movies), and Jacob has his arms wrapped around her waist from behind and his chin propped up on her shoulder, intently watching Newt.

I smile, thinking of the people in this room and how much they've changed me. I don't want to imagine the person who would be wearing my mismatched socks right now if I hadn't accidentally flung cookie dough at a certain gangly, dark-haired boy during a cooking class or hadn't taken a chance and checked off the 'Roommate' box on my housing forms.

Or if I hadn't sat in a seat with an empty spot next to me in English.

I would probably still have all-blond hair, ink-free skin, and low self-esteem. I'd smile less, and spend more time online.

Oh. Who would I be had I not desperately looked online for something to help and stumbled across a black-and-white blog?

That I really would not like to imagine, especially as I feel Annabelle's soft breath against my neck. She's fallen asleep too.

I don't even really register much about the ceremony.

I remember being called before all three of them, as Danell is before Lev-Damore, Tamner, and Hann.

I remember seeing my parents, all dressed up real nice, clapping in the audience, beaming at me.

I remember most of the things about the after party, though. Maybe that says something about my priorities, I don't know.

But once the party's worn on and the fun's worn off, Annabelle tugs at my sleeve and nods her head toward the door. We climb into her truck and drive. The sun's already gone down, and she plays The 1975 with the windows down. We're both in our dresses, and the summer air pours in through the open sunroof.

It's the same hill. She gets out and opens my door for me like a proper gentleman, and places her hands on my waist. She's in this gorgeous cream-colored gown with flowers woven into the skirt and her hair, which is twisted up on top of her pretty head.

She plays with the waistband of my own dress, which is periwinkle-colored, soft, and floaty. I feel sort of like a goddess when I wear it.

"Momma's gonna take me out to look at apartments next week" she whispers over This Must Be My Dream. "Wanna come?"

"Why would I come along?" I ask teasingly.

"Well, Hazel Ava," she says, kissing me on the nose and kneeling down. "Because you'd be moving in with me, of course. That is, if you accept my request."

"I'd love to move in with the prettiest girl in the world," I say giggling and spinning under her arm when she stands back up.

She furrows her eyebrows. "But ... you already live with yourself."

It takes me a moment to register what she said, and by that time, smiles are spreading across both of our faces; hers triumphant, mine appreciative.

"Smooth," I say, punching her shoulder lightly, using my other palm to hide the blush. Annabelle catches my hand and holds it with her own, then kisses me.

"Think of it," she whispers, "one bedroom. A cat. A big bathtub. Open windows."

"I am thinking of it," I breathe back. "I've been thinking of it since you first sat next to me in English."

a/n: fun fact at 2 minutes and 22 seconds of behind the sea you can hear ryan say "doughnuts" in the background