Fractured

Chapter 58

Each day after, I wanted to tell him from there on out.  I had Jan's words ringing through me, Ramper's little story, and I had my own confidence build.  But right when I would feel ready to, or at least close, I would feel my heart start to pound.  My chest stir and... to know that it was a reaction from just the thought of telling him made me cautious even though I shouldn't be.  I wanted to tell him and I felt I was ready.

I was ready.... I was so sure of it.  I didn't have some answers.  I didn't know if my love could match his.  I didn't know if it was in part because he was the first man I ever loved.  I also didn't know where any of it would head after this.  I didn't know what the scary future held.  I didn't know how things would work out if we ever got through this mess that was my life and now his.  And I didn't know if I would drag him down to be honest.  But... I realized that everything that made me question it couldn't be answered.  So I had to deal with it and work it out along the way.  And the only way there is an 'along the way' is if I jump.  I had nothing to lose because I know if the worst happens I can handle it.  I've been through hell in my life, I'm tough enough to face the future for us if there were any challenges.  But I was so sure... so happy and excited.  Because I did decide that I will tell him.  And I wont just try and back down. I will tell him.

And I knew when I would.  The day Clare said she was going out for a drink with her friends and wouldn't be back until later.  The day I would make special for him.  Because I knew he was stressed - we both were.  I knew he was distressed with everything that was happening, and on top of that, dealing with my issue of not saying I loved him back.  I knew that cut him deep, not properly reacting as I had, even though he fully understand.  And it was my fault, not his.  I wanted to make things better and eliminate the tension between us.  I wanted to make him smile, laugh; I wanted to do something nice for him.  Show him... that I loved him before I say it.  Because I was going to tell him.  I was ready.  I wanted to show him how much he means to me by doing something special.  And I knew when I was going to do it.  Doing what though?  I had a few ideas....

It would be different - something I never did before for a guy.  Nothing of this nature anyway. I thought it over for a bit and knew what I wanted to do.  And call it cheesy, call it stupid, because I know for me, that's what I probably would do.  But... I knew this was what I wanted to do for him.  Nothing over the top - like dragging a fucking coat rack into the woods and over a frozen lake, which still made me smile.  But something nice and special for us.  And for me, that meant making him dinner.  I wanted to make him dinner and make a cake.  And the perfect day would be when Clare is gone, and he just gets home after work. 

And that's what I did.  I actually got up from bed after Luke was sleeping the night before I was going to do it.  And I baked the cake that night with everyone else sleeping.  So by the time tomorrow came, all I would have to deal with is making dinner.  So after I made the cake - and correctly this time, which was the whole point of making the cake - I headed up to bed, having hidden the cake in the fridge where no one could see it (which wasn't hard because the fridge was packed). 

The cake was made.  That was done.  And when I woke up the next morning - the day I would show Luke how special he is, tell him that I love him - I was already so excited... even though I would have to sit through school the whole day and wait.  I was thankful though.  Because when I get home from school, I'll make dinner, pull out the cake... everything will be ready for him by the time he gets home.  And to make this even better for us, I had to thank Mrs. Williams that day at school. 

I was already bouncing in my seat at school.  I couldn't focus.  I was filled with excitement and anxiety.  To surprise him then after, tell him I love him.  It made my heart drop.  Because I was so happy and knowing that things between us would be different.  And Mrs. Williams in school today made it even better by giving us a free day.  A study hour, basically.  And I took full advantage of it by making something for Luke out of construction paper he should enjoy.  Call it kiddish... but I knew it would make him laugh.