Drabbles

I Exist

"Oh wait a moment. I can't hang out. Or give you a ride. Something came up. I'll see you." He smiled apologetically and I nodded. "Next time." He told me and his hand slipped through mine like sand.

"It's okay. I'll talk with you later." I said waving the phone as I grabbed my phone to call for a ride due to my car being broken down. I watched him walk away feeling my heart sink with each step he took away from me.

"Thank you for understanding!" He shouted happily not noticing how my smile was becoming more and more forced as he left. When he finally turned the corner my smile faded and I remained still for a moment unaware of what to do now.

Call. Right. I still need a ride. Maybe I can get an Uber?

No one answered not even the Uber nor Dial a Ride.

I sighed in exasperation tucking my phone away and began to walk when it started to rain I ducked into a small cafe ordering a hot coffee and sat down at a table. "Oh my god! How are you?" The sound caused me to look up and smile. A fellow friend from college and she looked the same as ever with the same stunning smile however the hair now was no longer in a stiff bun but now braided.

"I'm fantastic! Living life. You know how it goes." I smiled standing up to hug her and she sat down next to me. "What about you? Tell me how it is." I beamed at her. To my surprise she regaled me with every thrilling detail from school to boyfriends and even a few details I needn't hear but I still listened smiling and taking mental notes.

"But enough about me. What about you? Give me all the details." She gushed finishing her speech and when I opened my mouth her name was called and she told me she had to go and she left my table to sit alongside another girl with bright blue hair.

Oh...

Sitting at the table for a few seconds I got up and went to the table with them  asking politely to sit with them. "No offense. But we need to talk about some- private things." The one with blue hair said bluntly and I nodded.

"Oh it's cool. I'll talk with you later." I smiled softly grabbing my coffee and standing back up leaving the cafe.

"Thank you for understanding." I heard them call out.

I exit the cafe and enter a small store and catching sight of a friendly face I smiled and waved greeting them and watching them walk out the door.

They were in a rush. It's understandable they didn't hear me. Everyone says I have a soft voice anyways. I understand. I thought throwing away the coffee into the trash can and buying a bag of skittles shoving it into my pocket as I exited the store walking in the park to get home quicker then taking regular streets.

Again I walked the rain a light drizzle and as I tilted my face to the sky reaching for the sky to touch the rain as it fell on me. A need to reassure myself that I am here on this planet. I'm not nonexistent.

I do matter.
I am loved.
I am making a difference.
I exist.

I told myself as a sudden wave of melancholy swallowed me and the rain began to fall harder.

I have a roof over my head.
I have food on my table.
I'm following a career I chose.
I exist.

My arm raised to the sky slowly fell and I remained standing face tilted to the sky as the rain washed over me drenching me.

I am important.
I am good enough.
I am not alone.
I exist.

If I know all of these things why does it still hurt? I know where everyone's coming from. We all have our own lives to attend to. How could I hold that against them? But why- why can't I be a part of their lives? I walked sitting down on a park bench my heart clenching painfully. Staring from the outside in- you get tired of it. I'm not asking to have thousands of people falling over me, nor am I asking for someone alongside me all hours of the day nor am I even looking for text messaging all the time but-

I don't want to feel like a back up plan.
I exist too dammit.
I exist.
I do have feelings. I do care.

Selfish!

For once I couldn't make myself agree with that voice. Is it really selfish to want someone who will tell you the boring things in their life? To have someone send a message that says stupid questions. To have someone who sees you as their go-to no matter what? To have someone who cares to listen as well? To have someone who felt the same way? Who wanted to hear my stupid things after telling me theirs? Where I could say these things without apologizing?

Just once I want to feel important.

Getting up I walked back to my apartment and found it empty. Note on the fridge. 'Out with the girls. Don't wait up! Love ya!'

I didn't hesitate to crumple the note.

Why get so mad at her though? She'd been planning this for months telling me how excited she was. I should understand.

"I'M TIRED OF UNDERSTANDING!" The words bubbled out of my throat and a fist crashed into the wall alongside me. The action was enough to send me into sobs as I broke down. "I'm tired of being pushed away. Being put second. I'm tired. I want a friend." I sobbed my arms wrapping around myself as my hair dripped from the rain my entire body soaked and I laughed bitterly seeing the blank screen telling me no one called or texted.

"Damn. I don't want a friend. I need one." I weeped to no one in particular. "I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of telling myself my own stories. I'm tired of telling myself jokes so I smile. I'm tired of cheering myself up." And curled up on the floor I remained. Soaked to the bone just wanting someone to do to me what I try to do for everyone.

I want to be someone that someone would drop everything for. I'm not asking for a lot of people. Just- just one friend.

One true friend.

Because I exist too.