How I feel when I'm around you (System Of A Down)(EN)

Bonfire

-Nikki-

The day after is a day off for all of us and the need of a distraction brings us all on St. Monica Beach for a bonfire on our own, armed with everything necessary; as soon as the fire is big and strong the twilight has reached its peak and the place is totally empty, and we sit down all around to warm up.

«This was really needed» Serj sighs, holding his water bottle, his gaze fixed on the almost indistinguishable horizon.

«I agree» Shavo says, enjoying the bit of weed he's just stolen from the guitarist while lying on his beach towel.

«Can I have food?» John asks out of the blue.

«Dolmayan, you ate deplorable lots of food recently, how come you're always hungry?! However food is over there, self-service included.»

The guys interact and occasionally squabble with each other just not to lose the habit, in the meanwhile I stare into the sky and take a sip from my Sprite can every now and then in a quite mechanical way, then my contemplative state breaks down as soon as I acknowledge that everyone's questioning gazes are on me.

«What's up?»

«We were wondering about something to entertain us with» Serj begins «and we thought about the old good storytelling around the fire. What's your opinion on this?»

«I totally agree» I smile.

We rearrange our positions around the mildly roaring fire on our beach towels and using some blankets, getting ready to listen; Shavo and John grab a couple of beers, Daron lights up a joint before settling down with his head on my lap and Serj and I pick up a cigarette.

«So, who's going to start?»

«I'd like to hear the lil thing talk» the guitarist moves in order to look up at me «do you guys agree with me?»

«Oh yes!»

I violently blush when I feel their expectations coming down on me and try to take some time. «Well, is there any particular topic? I could, uhm, tell something funny or something memorable...»

«What about talking about you, your past, how did you arrive here? We know some bits of your story because of some conversations we had, but no one of us really dared to investigate further» Serj gently suggests this «but, if you don't feel like it, then it's okay anyway.»

«I trust you guys enough to be open about myself without any fear of judgement or negative consequences and this is the right moment to shed light on my past life, I won't back down.» I clear my voice a bit after taking a puff of my cigarette and straightening my back, ready for storytelling.

«Well, guys, I'm going to talk about myself without any filter while sitting near this fire. My story isn't worth of a book or movie or particularly happy, I ask you to forgive me in advance for possible peaks of negativity.

As you might already remember, I was born on May 18th, 1978 and I'm from Utah. My hometown is Cedar City and I lived there until the end of my schooling. My family was Christian, precisely Baptist, that's not too bad, but my parents and some relatives of mine were bigot and even sympathized with Westboro Baptist Church, so you can clearly imagine how stuffy and narrow-minded was my everyday ambient. My favourite person in the family was my uncle Augustus, one of my father's brothers: he was more open-minded, well-educated and a lover of rock music, I owe him many life teachings and getting me started to music that wasn't either sacred or classical. An aggressive cancer brought him to death when I was 14, it took away from me the only person I'd really thought of as a real parent, the only one who would defend me against prejudices and groundless critics aimed to hurt me. I don't know if I ever stopped grieving for real, if I ever got somehow over the loss of him, I wonder the same about my father but that's another matter, let's keep going on.