How I feel when I'm around you (System Of A Down)(EN)

Confusion, confusion

-Nikki-

Days go by in a row, as monks walking by, subtly. I know time is passing because I see places changing, going from the familiar US to the unfamiliar Europe, and because I feel the climate slowly becoming warmer... but the upcoming spring clashes with my inner winter.

Every day, even when there isn't much to do, I tire myself so much I literally collapse into solid dreamless sleep as soon as I touch a bed or a bunk because I can't deal with my thoughts, my fears and the ghosts of my past right now, but for professionalism and efficiency's sake I have to be sober and I can't get drunk or high: that's why I became a help for roadies in many occasions, despite many complaints and worries about my health, and that's how I met Bree, a well-built brunette, and Paul, a blue-eyed blond guy, the people who replaced Tom, the guy who got corrupted by Tina, and another guy who had to retire due to familiar issues. Spending time with them is a big distraction for me and it helps me to feel better, but the free time isn't much so I return to my gloomy mood when they're not around me.

The situation is overall deadlocked, I can't seem to be strong enough to speak about what I feel inside and Daron's behavior keeps being weird and unstable... I don't know how long it'll take before collapsing for real.

«It's okay, guys, you can go for tonight, we'll deal with your absence for once... please be careful and don't come back too late.»

After the concert of tonight, the first of two in the same place, Bree had the idea of taking me to some clubs and places here in Glasgow in an attempt to cheer me up and Paul, even though he isn't enthusiast about this, chose to join us just because he wants us to be safe and also because he hasn't got anything better to do; it's a bit strange to hear Beno talking to us in a fatherly way.

«Thank you!» we smile and then go away without even stopping at the crew's bus in order to save up on time. After a not long walk we hear music coming from the inside of a club and we enter, not even caring about what place it is.

«Cheers!» we get a shot of vodka for each of us and then gulp it down at once; I feel the alcohol burning my throat and suddenly giving me a dizzy feeling; my two friends aren't aware that I didn't eat earlier because of the lack of hunger I'm experiencing recently but I don't want to make them worry so I won't tell them.

I see a cute stranger approaching Bree and breaking the ice with her and she talks back apparently willingly, so I turn to face Paul who's leaning against the counter, thoughtful.

«Let's go dance a bit to chase boredom away» he says.

«Alright.»

A quite old dance hit, "Blue" by Eiffel 65, starts as soon as we reach the dance floor and the crowd of dancing people; my body moves almost by itself on the rhythm of the loud song, my mind is far away but somehow it understands the words of the song and the meaning... "I'm blue"...

Only after many minutes and the change of the song I notice that my friend's body is adherent to mine and I don't mind this contact in the end, it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. I suddenly feel my legs becoming terribly weak and somehow I manage not to fall, while Paul acknowledges it and holds me tight, leading me to the restroom.

«Better now?» he asks, standing near me and leaning towards me while I sit down on the WC of a cubicle, with my head against the white wall.

«A bit» I slightly slobber.

«Not very used to alcohol, huh?»

«Years ago it wasn't like this, trust me.»

«Oh, I see.»