even if he falls.

i miss you.

"Set your things down and take off your shoes and I'll show you the rest of the facility."

I nodded again and kicked off my dirty shoes quickly and sat my bag down on the bed. I don't think I've said more than 2 syllables to this guy but based on his actions I'm sure it's something he's used to. I put my shoes next to the bed and followed him back out the door. 

There were several dorm type rooms for other patients and he showed me where the different rooms were such as the gym and the cafeteria and the screen room as well as where group therapy sessions would be held and where I would go for my one-on-one sessions. Thankfully my therapist was in the same system as the clinic and I would be able to do my appointments with him instead of transitioning to an entirely different doctor. 

"Supper is in about an hour and a half. You can go back to your room or find a room to hang out in. Talk to anyone in scrubs if you need anything." 

I nodded him off and walked quickly back to the room I was assigned. No one got in my way thankfully and I don't think anyone really noticed I was there. 

It didn't seem that many people were here. Or atleast in my unit. As far as I know there could be hundreds of patients in floors below me. I only estimated about 20 people on this whole floor. Looks likes grown adults that cut themselves isn't too common of an issue. Although I guess that isn't too surprising.

I went back to my room quickly and shut the door behind me as if I was being chased. I locked the door but I knew that wouldn't do much in a place like this.
I took a seat on the made bed. I leaned agaisnt the wall and look in my bag to check the contents. I dumped the white paper bag out in front of me and shuffled through.

There were the basics, deodorant, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a few changes of clothes. There were other things. There was a note pad and sketchbook along with pencils and crayons. The fidget cube the doctor gave me was there too. I had entertainment and for that I was so very greatful.

I put the items back in the bag and set it gently on the floor. I grabbed the bear that lay on the mattress. This would be my Mark for the next two weeks. God, did I miss him already.

I lay on the fluffy pillows and face the wall, tugging the thin blankets over my large body. I brought the bear close to my chest and closed my eyes tightly. Maybe I cpuld wake up and I'll be at home with Mark and the little ones. I miss falling asleep with Jack and Ava in my lap. I miss Mark waking me up to carry them to bed. I miss driving Ava to school and teaching Jack all his stuff for the day. I miss Mark waking me up by kissing my cheek and I miss waking Mark up by cuddling him tighter. I miss the feeling of his lips overlapping mine. I miss the feeling of his hair before it was all gelled and stiff. I miss seeing him when he was asleep. I miss the feeling of his skin against mine. I miss the way he laughs and how he'll do anything to make me smile. I miss the intimacy. I miss telling him anything and everything running through my mind.

I.

Miss.

Mark.

There I forced myself asleep and willed myself to stay that way for as long as possible. Maybe that'll get rid of the bags under my eyes.

---

I woke up and it was pitch black in the small room, the only light shining from the little nightlight on the wall. I rolled over and rubbed my eyes, letting the adjust to the small amount of light. I turned on the desk lamp that sat on the bedside table. I closed my eyes a few times to readjust again. I sat criss-cross on the bed and looked back over to the bedside table. A brown paper bag sat upright. I grabbed it. It was stapled shut and a small piece of paper was held by the small piece of metal. I tore it off. 

You've had a long day. I thought I'd just let you sleep.

-Amir

I set the note aside and tore the bag open. There was a red apple, chips, PB&J, a packaged brownie, and a big bottle of chocolate milk. I felt like a little kid again, although this entire experience seemed to make me feel like a little kid again. I really had no control over anything in my situation and Amir was practically my dad. We all want to be a kid again sometimes, but not in this circumstance. No, definitely not. 

I put all the garbage in the bag and crumpled it up before tossing it in the trash can, the milk bottle still on the table next to me. The food was all processed and packaged. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't great either. 

I reached into my deep pockets and found the little cube the doctor had given me. I started playing with one of the sides as I stared off. There wasn't much else to do in a place like this. 

I let my thoughts slowly consume me as I sat there, completely still outside of my hands with the little cube. Maybe I could find a way to just keep myself in this dissociated state for as long as I'm here, but knowing the basics as to how the system works, that'll only keep me here longer.

I wish I could see Jack and Ava. I missed them a lot. I missed driving Ava to school in the mornings, listening to my shitty tapes as we drove through the sunny city. I miss coming home and teaching Jack his lessons for the day and seeing him smile as Mark and I made stupid comments about how bogus the system was. 

I miss the nights when we would all pile on the couch and watch old movies and the kids would fall asleep halfway through. I miss trying to quietly carry them upstairs to tuck them into their beds.  I miss the way they would latch onto me tightly even if they didn't know it was me. 

I miss peeking through the door of the playroom to see them playing pretend. Cowboys and aliens had become a popular subject. Not separate, that wouldn't make any sense. 

I miss walking in on Mark singing to himself. Sometimes it would be oldies and others it would be the current top 40, you could guess which one made him more embarrassed. His cheeks would always flare up and he wouldn't look up at me. He was like a little kid. 

I miss him waking up before me and him climbing on top of me to wake me up. I miss the ways his lips found my cheek and how our limbs intertwined like growing pieces of vine. 

I would be able to see him tomorrow and that was really the only thing keeping me going. I lay back down on the pillow and let the strained tears finally spill out onto my cheeks and stain the pillow. I pulled the small bear back to my chest, hugging it as tight as I could but knowing that it could never return the gesture and although it was pathetic, I needed it now. I longed to feel the embrace that I had become to accustomed to. 

The tears soon turned to uncontrollable sobs and I just let myself go. If I hadn't been such a jackass then I could be home right now. I could be happy again. I could be with my family and feel everything once again. I could feel something other than sadness and longing. 

I punched myself in the tender thigh and winced at the pain. I closed my eyes and forced myself to go to sleep once again. This would be my next two weeks. Two weeks. I can make it two weeks. 

This was really hard to write agghhh