Our Shot (LAMS school au)

Chapter 16: The Truth pt. 2

John's POV

I nodded, and then mumbled something that I hoped Alex couldn't totally hear.

"What?"

"It.. my..." I said incoherently again.

"Speak up John."

At this I lifted up my head quickly, startling him, to face him. I could tell tears were running down my face, but I didn't make an attempt to remove them.

"It was my fault!" I cried suddenly, and then ducked my head back down between my knees.

"It was all my fault," I repeated to myself, "It was all my fault."

Alex put an uneasy hand on my shoulder, but I flinched from the sudden contact, so he pulled his hand away, and I regretted doing it. "It couldn't have been all your fault," Alex said quietly, but I shook my head furiously.

"I..." I got choked up, "When he..."

"Take your time," he assured me, and for the first time in a while I hadn't been afraid to admit the truth to someone.

"I didn't know about his disorder until he decided to tell me," he continued, "But even though he told me he was on medication, I... I broke up with him, Alex."

He continued to watch me as I lifted my head up and freely wiped my eyes. "I took a guy struggling everyday with a sick mind that told him he was worthless, that no one would ever want him," my volume increased with every word, "And I proved it to him! He trusted me, and I was so horrible to him."

"It was almost two years ago," He tried to comfort me, "You've changed."

I ignored his comment. "After that is when he changed. He came back and as far as anyone else was concerned he was straight. I never challenged him on that because I didn't want him to turn against me. But it was too late."

"That's why you don't want to talk about him," Alex said, mostly confirming it to himself, but I nodded, "What happened when you first confronted him sophomore year?"

There was a bit of silence. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," He said, but I shook my head.

"No," I affirmed, "I've never talked about this before. I shouldn't keep it to myself."

"Thomas ignored me for a long time, until I decided to talk to him about how he was doing: with everything. For some reason that triggered something; maybe he thought he had to bully me to keep me quiet- to keep me from spilling all his secrets. I never would have, though."

"Did he ever hurt you?"

Silence. "Alex-"

"Did he ever hit you, John."

"I deserved what I got!" I exclaimed, and looked away from him, "I deserved it for what I did to him."

This time Alex grabbed both of his shoulders, ignoring my subtle flinch. "You don't deserve any of this," he told me sternly, and as I began to shake my head he shook my shoulders slightly.

"That's why I cant face him in debate club," I continued, continuing to look him in the eyes, "I can't face him at all. I'm afraid. There's no reason to be afraid, but I am."

He pulled his arms back to himself and then wrapped them around my waist and pulled me to him. "There are several reasons to be afraid, John, and it's okay to be afraid," he told me, his chin resting on my shoulder," You just can't be afraid forever."

As a comfortable silence ensued, I tightened my grip around him, and I could smell the scent of coffee on him again. I couldn't help but think I finally found someone that understood; I had known this boy for less than two days and we were already friends. Friends? Don't even think about it, John, I tried to warn myself early, but it was too late.

He might be gay?

He's literally going to date Eliza, Laurens. A girl. A female.

Maybe I had feelings for him, but I tried not to dwell on the inevitability of my future disappointment right then.

"Thank you, Alexander," I said quietly.

"I just wanted to help you," he replied, and took his arms back as we sat apart again.

"I know," I said, suddenly gaining confidence, "That's why I'll help you, Alex; I'll be your second."