HOCKEY IMAGINES [ UNEDITED ]

#101 - Tom Wilson - #43 Washington Capitals

A/N: OK so if you guys are not comfortable with triggering things then I suggest you not reading this because it deals with mental illness and self-harming. This wasn't a request but I am taking a class in school about Psychology and we're on the mental health part and I decided that I should write an imagine based on the idea surrounding mental illness as I have and still continue to suffer with mental illness and I know there are many out there suffering from it as well. I'm writing this get the word out there that mental illness is a disease just like cancer and other illnesses out there. It should not have the stigma that it does, it should be taken seriously with much concern towards those that it affects.

Anger. That's all that fills my emotions. No matter how hard I try to make myself happy and calm the anger still stays, the worst part of it all is not knowing why I am angry or mad at people. The slightest thing sends me off into moments where I scream, shout, cry, become violent towards myself and others, harm myself and others and think horrible thoughts about myself and others and it's all because of this anger. I've tried so many times to get help but every time I go, I chicken out and head back home. 

To this day I still deal with the anger and more now, I've become less myself and more this person that is just walking around with no soul. To say that I have no soul is an understatement, I do have one, I just don't know where it has gone. I feel nothing anymore, nothing but this anger. It's taken over my life and each day it gets worse, each day I drive someone away because I snap at them for no reason at all.

Tom though, I don't know why he stays. He knows there is something wrong with me and yet he continues to stay with me no matter how many times I've snapped at him or hit him, each time I feel horrible afterwards and apologize every time and yet Tom will still accept the apologies and stay with me. 

I found myself sitting on mine and Tom's bed, my hands balled into fists as I controlled my breathing. Many horrible thoughts crammed my mind, I tried calming myself down and thought of positive things and each time I did I got irritated with myself. 

The same thought that still filled my mind, why am I so angry? 

I was sitting perfectly reading a book that I have loved growing up and then all of sudden I got mad, I threw the book across my room and started to breath heavily, the anger hasn't gone away. Normally I can deal with it and it'll pass within a few minutes but this time, this time it's worse. This time I have been sat clutching my fists for more than thirty minutes.

I let out a frustrated groan and stood up, the tears finally began to fall as I walked towards the bathroom. I hadn't lifted the blade to my skin in a while, I thought I was getting better but it turns out I am not. 

I opened the cupboard door and hunted for the tin box that was hidden at the back away from the day of light, also hidden from Tom. He knows I harm myself, he knows that I can't deal with it and yet he stays. My fingers brushed against the coldness of the box and I curled my fingers around it before pulling my arm back out, I sat the grey box on my lap before opening it. Inside was only one single blade, I had flushed the rest of them away a while ago but had kept one hidden just in case. 

I rolled up my sleeve and stared at the old scars on my wrist, some of them were fading but I could still make them out on my wrist. I lifted out the blade and stared at it before setting the tin down on the floor, I moved myself over towards the shower and lent my back against it. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my arm on my thighs, I held the blade between my thumb and forefinger above my left wrist. 

As I put the blade on my skin, not breaking the surface, the bathroom door busted open and Tom stood there looking on worriedly. 

"No." Was all he said coming towards me, he bent down and took the blade from my fingers. I didn't hesitate as he took it, he walked over to the toilet and flushed it away. I stared up at Tom as he walked back over towards me, tears clouding my sight of him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I cried wrapping my arms around my knees and sobbed into them, I heard Tom sit beside me and put his arm over my shoulder. He pulled me close to him, his arms around my body so tight that I wasn't able to wriggle away from him. 

"Shh honey, don't be sorry. It's OK." He whispered into my ear, I felt his tears drip onto my cheek. I felt horrible once again knowing that I caused this, I caused Tom being upset. 

"I love you Y/N, I love you so much, you remember that." Tom told rocking us back and forth.

"I love you too Tom." I whimpered looking up to him, his eyes red and puffed from crying.

"We'll get this sorted out don't you worry about it baby, we'll get this sorted." Tom said wiping away the tears that still fell from my eyes. 

"But what if I can't be fixed? What if I'm stuck like this forever?" I said my voice raw and dry. 

"You won't be Y/N, you won't be." Tom mumbled his arms still wrapped around my body. 

"Let's get you out of here." Tom said carefully lifting me up into his arms and carried me into our room, he laid me on the bed and pulled the covers over me. He walked around to his side of the bed, kicked his shoes off and climbed in beside me. I rolled over against Tom's body and snuggled down into him, his arms around my body tightly. 

"I love you sweetheart." He mumbled pressing his lips on the temple of my forehead.

"I love you too Tom." I muttered closing my eyes and drifted off into a sleep with Tom still beside me, like he always will be.

A/N: I hope this was OK, I know anger is an emotion not an illness but there are mental illness out there that do involve anger.

I know that people say this a lot but if you ever need anyone to talk to about anything, hit me up. I will get back to you right away, I'm always on here writing even when I'm in class or doing homework. And I know that I say I'll be gone but I never really do, I'm still on here doing things. So if you ever need to talk, send me a little message.

-Lauryn.