Endlessly - Preath

Chapter 37

(Ben's POV)

The visitation was the most depressing thing I had ever been to. Jay was silent, Gwen couldn't stop sobbing, their dads were completely in shock.

When Beverly and I walked up to see her body, it was nothing like I remembered it. Her eyes were shut as if she were in a peaceful sleep, of course this was one she would never wake up from. She was in a light blue dress, one that would have matched her eyes if they were open. It occurred to me that I had almost never seen her in anything other than a hoodie and sweats. Her hands were tucked neatly on top of her stomach, a bracelet on her wrist. I looked at it for a minute before I began to tear up again, Jay and I had saved up for that bracelet and bought it for her together when we were eight.

We left the body and went back to where Jay and Gwen were standing. Jay broke free of her sister's grip and went into my open arms. "Ben," it was the first thing I had heard her say since the day in the hospital. 

Sobs racked her body and I wrapped her in my arms tightly. She was as broken as I had ever seen her, like a glass pitcher that had been thrown off the counter. I looked past her for a moment and caught a glance of Gwen, who was in Dani's arms. I shakily sighed as I felt Jay's tears run down my arm. 

The funeral was ever worse. The entire world seemed to be crying, as a thunderstorm had brought its way upon us. Jay, Beverly, Gwen, Dani, and I all held hands as we said our final prayer, before burying the casket. I held the umbrella over all of us, and held Jay's hand extra tight.

Afterwards we all decided to go back to their house, just to hang out. All of us, including the adults, sat around the living room. The triplets played with a little ball they had found, rolling it between themselves. 

"Who wants pizza for dinner?" Rodger spoke up after about an hour of silence.

We all shrugged. I looked around the room. The triplets were still content with their ball, Mom had Mama pulled onto her lap in the big arm chair, Tyler was leaning his head on Rodger's chest on the couch, Beverly had Gwen leaning on one shoulder and Dani on the other also on the couch, and Jay was snuggled close to me on the floor. 

"Ben," Jay's voice was quiet, so only I could hear. "Can we go upstairs?"

"Yeah," I helped her up, then looked at my moms. "We'll be right back."

Jay and I walked slowly up the stairs. We stopped at one of the doors. It was Gwen and Lily's room. The door was closed, and as Jay had told me Gwen hadn't been in there. I stared at the door for a while. If I opened it, maybe I would find Lily still in there, just fast asleep in her bed. I shook off the thought.

The blue sign on the door seemed to almost beckon me in though. It was bright blue with two letters on it: G and L. Next to the G was a soccer ball, and next to the L was a softball. I bit my bottom lip and opened the door.

It still smelt like her. Her shampoo, her softball cleats. Her bed wasn't made, the blankets were thrown on the bottom and stuff was piled on top of it. I saw a notebook on top, it read: For Everyone I Leave.

I picked it up. I turned back to Jay, who was standing at the doorway. "Look," I croaked, reaching towards her.

She took the notebook from my hands, and teared up as she began to read the first page. "Let's go downstairs," she choked on her own words.

We walked downstairs, the notebook still clutched in her arms. "Guys look," Jay croaked when we were back with everyone else.

Rodger and Tyler got up and took the book from her arms. "Read it," Gwen urged.

"To the people I leave," Tyler breathed out, then began.

To Dad and Daddy, I'm sorry I couldn't stay long enough to see my younger sibling be adopted. I'm sorry you'll never get to walk me down the isle, or threaten my first boyfriend, or take pictures with me as I say you're embarrassing before the prom. I'm sorry you'll never get to watch me graduate, or see me sit in frustration trying to apply for colleges. I'm sorry I had to leave so early, but I love you both.

To Gwen, I'm sorry I can no longer play spies in the backyard. I'm sorry I can no longer watch the USWNT with you while we scream at the tv. I'm sorry I can no longer wake you up at three am to talk about life, or what we wanna do with ours. I'm sorry I won't be at your graduation, I'm sorry I won't be there to threaten anyone who hurts you, I'm sorry I can't be your crazy little sister anymore. I love you.

To Jay, I'm sorry I can't be there anymore. I'm sorry that in a time when you probably needed me the most, I had to leave. I'm sorry I can't be there to threaten whoever you date, or anyone who picks on you. I'm sorry I can't help you through things. I'm sorry I can't come into your room anymore and attack you with a Nerf gun. I'm sorry I can't obsess with you over the USWNT. I love you.

Tyler stopped reading. He looked over at Jay. "What does she mean?"

"After the party," Jay said sheepishly. "I started talking to her a lot more."

I knew this was a lie, but Tyler and Rodger seemed to buy it, because Tyler began reading again.

To Christen and Tobin, thank you for always being their for my siblings and I. I'm sorry we can no longer have tea parties or talk about your careers. I'm sorry for any trouble I may have caused at your house. I'm sorry that I won't get to randomly run into your house anymore, and get no questions asked. I love you both.

To Dani, thanks for being my best friend since we moved here. I remember the day you signed your first word and i got so excited because that meant you could talk to me now. I'm sorry I can no longer be here to talk about the latest book we read, or what's going on at school. I love you more than you can ever imagine Danielle Press-Heath.

To Beverly, thanks for throwing softballs with me in the backyard. I hope you play softball in the future, you would be really good. I think you'll like it a lot. I love you so much Bev.

To Ben, thank you for letting me obsess over Harry Potter with you. Thank you for always being my big brother when I needed you. I'm sorry I can't finish reading my book, but I want you to take it. Keep it, and whenever you read it, think of me. I love you Benji.

To Adrian, Angelica, and Axel, while I didn't get to know you for long it has been a pleasure. You are all going to do amazing things one day. When you're older, you probably won't even remember me. But I'm sure your sisters and brother will tell you some pretty embarrassing stories haha. I love you guys.

And finally, to the baby sibling I never got to know, love this family with all of your heart. They're the best family you could ever ask for, and I promise they'll be there for you no matter what. When you're older, Dad and Daddy might tell you stories about me, but when they get to the part about me being sick, tell them to stop. I don't want them to have to remember that.

Thank you all for being the best family a girl could ask for. I will love you all forever and I will watch over you.

Love,
Lily