Lindsey barely leaves my side until the next morning. As soon as he leaves to get refreshed, Mick shows up with our kids. He knows that's the only way I'll see him at this point.
"Mommy? What happened? Are you, OK?" Bella asks me. She, Lil, and Kellan are right at my side, Mick on the other. Gray is standing back, still looking heartbroken. My heart hurts so much right now. Eventually I make everyone leave except Grayson. I motion him over to the side of my bed and he comes slowly over.
"Are you still angry with me Grayson?"
"Kind of. No. I don't know Mom. This is all really confusing."
"I'm sorry Gray. I'm so sorry for everything. Please don't shut me out. We can get through this together." I say squeezing his hand. He leans down and hugs me tightly. When he pulls away he has a pensive look on his face.
"You promise to tell me the truth from now on?" He asks and I nod. He takes a deep breath and looks at me again.
"I heard Dad tell Amy that you tried to kill yourself. Was it because I was mean to you? I'm so sorry Mom!" he says breaking down and I sit up and pull him right next to me.
"Grayson, I wish you would have never heard that, but no, it wasn't because of you. Look at me Grayson." I say sternly and he looks up. "This was NOT anything to do with you. It was a mistake. I was very upset about some things and I made a very stupid mistake. I love you and really, I want to be here to watch you grow up. All this stuff with Lindsey, we're going to start working it out as soon as I get home." I say and he nods. He doesn't say anything else but I know he's reeling from my admission.
"I'm sorry, son." I say and as he wraps his arms around me and cries into my shoulder, the levity of what I've done hits me and I cry softly myself, thinking about how stupid I was to try to end my own life. It all just felt so overwhelming and I felt so hopeless. My son hated me, my husband had cheated on me, and the man I turn to in my desperation-he didn't even care enough for me to stay with me. I was alone. Completely and utterly alone. I stayed up all night, scribbling in my journal, tears staining the pages. I couldn't sleep at all. From the attention Lindsey paid to my body that whole day, you would have thought I was well loved. But that was the furthest thing from the truth. So...I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to ever feel again. I did the one thing I knew would quickly and painlessly end it all. But I failed at that, as well.
Now though, as I hold my precious son in my arms, I'm reminded of what I told myself years ago before Mick came into my life. That I didn't necessarily have to have a man in my happy ending for it to be happy. I do have 4 beautiful children and honestly, the last 6 years of my life have been perfect. Mick has been a very good husband to me until now and an even better father. I knew he wasn't great with monogamy, I hadn't been either, but I guess I had felt full enough in the last years that I didn't need anything else. And he-well I wasn't enough for him.
I'm broken from my reverie when Mick enters the room.
"Gray, say goodbye to your mother. Amy's here to pick up you and your brother and sisters." Mick says and Gray gives me a kiss.
"You're going to stay with Mom? Good." Grayson nods approvingly after Mick nods in affirmation. After Grayson leaves the room I look at the opposite end of the room.
"You don't need to stay Mick. I'm fine."
I say without looking at him.
"Stevie, I'm not leaving. I'm sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am." he says and I don't want to look at him and I definitely don't want to discuss this now.
"Not now Mick. I'm not even sure I care at this point." I say and move to stand up.
"Where are you going?"
"Shower." I say and he immediately moves to my side. I try to shrug him off but I'm weaker than I realize and let him help me. As I undress with my back to him I hear him gasp.
"What?" I say, slightly self conscious.
"Nothing." he answers quickly. I turn and look in the mirror and I see the fingerprint bruises Lindsey left on my back. As I look down I see that Lindsey left several marks on me and I'm not happy. Not only are we not together, we're both married to other people. He knows I hate marks and things of that sort. Though I really didn't care in that moment. Mick lets me shower in peace but when I come out, I realize I'm going to need help. I see Mick visibly tense up and his fists clench when he sees the marks on my breasts but he doesn't say a word. After I get settled back into the bed he sits at my side.
"Stevie. Please hear me out." he begs.
"What exactly would you like for me to hear? How long exactly you've been cheating on me? Why she was so great? Why I'm not enough? What exactly do you want to say?" I cry.
"No, that I'm sorry Stevie. You were gone for a long time. I assumed that you were doing the same. Apparently you weren't. I'm sorry that I left that morning. I needed-needed a release and you were just so fucked up. So
I turned to someone else. It was a mistake. I should have turned to you. I thought you didn't want me."
"I came looking for you because I needed you Mick. Stop trying to turn this into a one time scenario. So you were fucking her for the entire tour? Did you even let my plane leave the Tarmac before you had her against the wall?"
"It was the tour. I just, got lonely. This is what always happened when we were together before."
"So you've found someone to fuck
every time I'm away? Do I need to get STD tested Mick? I'm so disgusted with you! We were fucked up before. You're my husband this time. We have children, a family! Why on earth would you think this was still OK? You disgust me."
"And how long have you been fucking Buckingham again?" Mick asks.
"Excuse me?"
"Come off it. You think I didn't see what he did to you? Even if I hadn't he already let me know how he fucked you until you couldn't move. That's a pleasant picture as your husband to receive."
That dumb mother fucker. How dare he? How would he like it if I called his wife and told her that he fucked me for hours in their bed in their other home? Prick.
"And? It was once. I obviously wasn't thinking clearly Mick, seeing as a few hours later I snorted lines until I overdosed. It's not right, no, but clearly not the same thing. I really don't know where we go from here."
"Stevie, please tell me you won't leave. Please tell me that we can make this work. I'll do anything." he pleads and I think for awhile.
"I don't know. I'll come home, for now. Only because Grayson doesn't need anything else bad in his life right now. You need to move out of the master bedroom. And you're getting tested."
"There's chance I have anything Stevie. I may be an asshole, but I'd never put you at risk like that. But OK. I'll do whatever you want. Please just come home. Promise you'll let me try to make it up to you. I love you and I know you love me too babe. We'll get through this, I swear."
I nod and close my eyes. What I don't mention is that I'm honestly not sure at this point if I even care.
