Freak Me Out

Chapter 12: Hotel Rooms and Identities

WARNING: THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING. THERE WILL BE SELFHARM AND SELF IMAGE/SELF HATE PARTS.

        When I got into the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and sucked in a sharp breath. I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs. My hands started to tremble as I lifted up my dirty, tattered shirt. I gasped, the wounds weren't getting better. Only worse. My stomach had shrunk so much, you could see most of my ribs. I had gotten so skinny, the little that was left of my clothes were hanging off of me as if I wore my brother's clothes. I turned around, seeing all the marks on my back, the bruises and cuts looked just as bad as the ones on my stomach and legs. My body was covered in them. I fell to the floor, sobbing. It was worse than I imagined. Now, nobody would never love me. First, I was too fat and ugly now, I'm just hideous. After awhile, I finally stumbled to my feet and turned the shower on. I made sure to make it a hot shower, I needed the warmth it would provide. I felt so cold. Before I threw my tattered and dirty jeans on the ground I hesitated. Remembering what I shoved into my pocket the second week in the underground tomb. I shoved my hand into my left front pocket and pulled out the little pocket knife I found. I smiled to myself. I could cope now, could accept that I'm no longer acceptable. I climbed into the steaming shower after stripping the rest of the rags passing as clothing off. I welcomed the hot water. It felt amazing. The sting of it was a good feeling for me. I washed my hair; scrubbing and lightly scratched my scalp to get rid of all the dirt. After rinsing off all the soap from my body I grabbed the blade from the tubs little soap holder. I slipped to the bottom of the tub and brought down to my thigh. I sucked in a deep breath when u made the first long, red line. I made five more. Not too deep, not too light. I watched the blood drip down, to the drain. After a few minutes I slowly got up and got out. I realized I didn't have any clothes. I sighed and walked  over to the door.
"Um. Guys, I dint have anything to wear..."
"Oh, um. Just a second..."
I heard Dean rustling through a bag, a few minutes later, he came over to me holding a pair of black gym shorts and black t shirt.
"They'll probably be quite a bit big on you, but they'll have to do for now."
"Thanks." I took the clothes and half-smiled at him.
I shut the door and turned to the mirror. I didn't look as bad now that I had cleaned up some. I quickly pulled on the clothes on and started to comb my hair out with brush he wrapped up into the shirt. The t shirt's hem fell right below my knees, the shorts stopped almost to my ankles. I stared at my reflection, picking out all the flaws I could find. I hiked the right side of the shorts up and looked at. The red angry lines. I dropped the hem and sighed. I decided it was time for me to go out to see the boys. I opened the door and saw the room was empty. I grabbed my old clothes and threw them into the little garbage can by the door. I went to the second part if the hotel room, and looked around for them. I found Dean and Sam at the little table; Sam on a laptop and Dean eating.  Castiel was sitting on the little couch, staring at the dark blue carpet. The other guy, Bobby I think his name was, I didn't see him anywhere in the room.
"I'm done changing, thank you for the clothes Dean."
The three of them turned towards me. I offered them all a small smile then proceeded to sit on the couch next to Cas.
"So uh, we figured we'd fly out to London and then meet with your brother and his friends at the airport." Sam told me.
"Okay, sounds like a plan," I nodded slightly. "When do we leave?"
"Tonight. Our flight is scheduled to leave at 6:30."
Looking at the carpet, I nodded again. I looked up at Sam and then glanced at Dean. They were watching me. I tilted my head to the side. They seemed to be waiting for me to freak or something.
"What?"
"Uh, nothing. Just.." Dean cleared his throat.
"Just what?"
"They are waiting for you to have a break down. For you to go into shock and start screaming about how what happened to you can't be real." I turned to Castiel as he said all this so matter-of-factly.
"Oh.." I trailed off, then cleared my throat. "I'm okay. I had three whole weeks to process it all. I'll be fine. I promise I won't freak out on you guys."
Dean grinned at me and gave a "I told you so" look to Sam and he just rolled his eyes going back to doing whatever it was he was doing on his laptop. I laughed a little and turned to Castiel.
"Are they always like this?"
"Yes."
"Does it ever get annoying?'
"It's... Interesting to witness."
"They're like a tv show." I giggled again.
"We're right here, you know." Dean grumbled at me.
"Well, duh! Where else would you be? Outer space?" I raised an eyebrow at him.
He just shook his head and got up. I watched him go to one of the beds and pick up a plastic bag. He threw it at me and I caught it. A little startled, I blinked at it. He sat back down, and glanced back at me.
"Aren't you going to open and see what it is?"
I shook my head slightly and untied the knot he made with the handles. Inside was a box of red hair dye and a packet of bleach. I blinked. What? I looked up at him.
"Um. Why did you get me this?"
 "Because you have to change your appearance up some. We can't have people recognizing you and attacking you. Plus, me and Sam are supposed to be kind of undercover."
"I, uh. Well, um. Okay." I stuttered.
I slowly got up and walked back to the bathroom. Sighing, I opened the bleach and started mixing it with the developer. It took me awhile to get all the bleach thoroughly even in my dark hair. afterwards, I used one of the new rubber bands he got to tie up my hair so it wouldn't be everywhere. There was a soft knock on the bathroom door, I turned and opened it. It was Sam.
"Yes?"
"Here. You should cut your hair somewhat too." He handed me a pair of scissors.
"Okay."
I took the scissors and closed the door. I huffed a little.
"Seriously.. First i have to change my hair color.. Now cut it?" I grumbled to myself.

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With the hair dye washed out, I started to cut my hair shorter. It went from mid waist to just a few inches passed my shoulders. After I finished, I cleaned up  the hair and dye boxes, I slowly walked out of the bathroom and went over to the guys.
"Well? How does it look?"
Dean was the first one to speak. "Red's a good color  for you."
"Thanks."
"It's.. Different." Sam stumbled.
"You look like Anna." Castiel stated.
Dean froze and Sam looked uncomfortable. I kept looking between the three of them as they all stayed that way and were very quiet. After what seemed like forever, Sam spoke again.
"Are you, uh, hungry? I brought you some food while you were doing your hair."
"Oh. Yeah, thanks." I picked up the to go bag and peeked inside.
He got me a cheeseburger and fries. Such fattening foods, but I could nibble on it and then just puke it up later.  I sat down between Sam and Dean at the table and started to slowly eat the greasy food. Everyone was so quiet, all you could hear was Sam typing away on his laptop and all of our breathing. I had a feeling this was going to be an akwardly long, long night.