The Alexandra Diaries

Mistakes

Not being able to handle it, a scream escapes from my throat. Sadness, Frustration, guilt, hate, anger. A swarm of emotions pulse through me.

The wind rips through the forest as I scream, but I can't stop.

"Alex." What sounds like a child's voice says, and I stop screaming. When I look around, there's nobody there.

"Hello?" I shout, listening for anything. But I hear nothing. I look back to Max's grave.

"I wish I could talk to you. Just one more time. Tell you that I'm sorry."

I sigh, and pick at the skin on my thumbs. "I only knew you for a little while. But it felt like I had known you forever. You treated me like family. You were my family." I whisper, more tears escaping my eyes.

"I need you here, Max," I cry. "I remember when..." I fall silent, trying to force myself to get the words out. Be strong Alex. Be strong for Max.

"I remember when I got ran over. I almost died. I remember being in this place. It was like I was right with everyone, but nobody could see me," I whisper.

"I could hear voices, but I couldn't tell where they were coming from. They were faint. Almost as if they weren't actually there. But then I heard your voice. For some reason, yours was the loudest. The clearest. The closest."

"Is that how it is on the other side?" I ask, sniffling. "Is it lonely? Is it scary?"

I have no clue why I'm asking these. It's not like he can answer.

"Please forgive me," I sniffle. "The guilt is eating me alive."

"Alex!" A voice shouts, and I look up to see Dylan. I quickly stand up.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, wiping my nose.

"I-I came to see Max..." He whispers, and that's when I look to see the flowers in his hands. He gives me a sad look.

"Are you okay?" He asks, stepping towards me. I step back involuntarily. Hurt flashes in his eyes, but he doesn't step towards me anymore.

"Why do you care?" I snap, crossing my arms over my chest like a five year old.

"Because I still care, Alex," He says.

"Oh yeah?" I ask. "Did you care when I was hurt? No. So what's changed so much that you suddenly care?"

"I've always cared!" He exclaims. "I love you. I always have," I shake my head.

"No," I say. "You don't get to do that. Dammit how many times do I have to tell you this? You don't get to hurt me, and then say you love me. People don't hurt those that they love. Dylan I loved you so fuçking much, and you played with me like I was a game of cat and mouse."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," He whispers. "It was a mistake. I know I've made a thousand mistakes, but leaving you was by far the worst." I stare at him, tears welling up in my eyes.

"Why do you do this?" I yell, letting out a strangled sob. Dylan stares at me, looking as if he's in pain. "You hurt me over and over and then you act as if you've done nothing. Then you try to come crawling back when I'm healing!" I cry, hugging myself.

Dylan steps closer to me, acting as if he's going to hug me. "Don't." I say sharply. "I don't want you anymore." I sniffle, I've done enough crying today. Why am I so sensitive. Because you still love him. Something in me whispers.

No. Absolutely not. Why would I even think that. Because you know it's true. I let out another strangled sob.

"Oh Alex," Dylan whispers. I stare at him. He did this to you. He broke you. He doesn't deserve to see you cry.

Images of Dylan and I kissing run through my head, causing me to cry even more. Images of us getting ice cream together, we did that pretty often. Butter pecan was his favorite.

The memories of our first time we made love. Memories of him chasing me through the forest come to mind. The way the sun shined down on Dylan.

Everything in me hurts as I cry. It feels like my heart is being torn in half. It hurts to breathe. It hurts so bad. My heart is being split in two different directions. Forgive or forget Dylan.

I clutch myself even tighter, my cries becoming louder and harder to control. All of my emotions that Dylan has caused are coming out, and there's no stopping them.

I let out a small frustrated and hurt scream.

I can't even begin to describe the pain that I'm feeling. I gasp for air, which mixes in with my cries.

"Alex," Dylan whispers. "I'm so so so sorry. I did this to you." He pauses to look at me, before shaking his head. "I can't believe I did this to you." He says.

As my cries turn to sniffles, I put my brave face on.

"From the day that I met you, I have been filled with guilt. And it eats me alive like it hasn't been fed in years. I'm not the same girl I was when I met you, that girl is dead. And you want to know who killed her? You did." His eyes widen, and it looks like his whole world has just collapsed. "And I hate you for that."

"Goodbye Dylan," I whisper.

He doesn't follow me, which was probably the smartest idea for him.

Arriving back at Izzy's, I smell another new scent.

"I'm back." I say, entering the house. There stands Ryan, Izzy, and a girl who I've never seen. She has very unique colored eyes, being kind of a grayish-hazel color. She has a perfect complexion with blonde hair and fair skin. She's beautiful.

"Who's this?" I ask, looking at Ryan who looks like he's about to puke. Nobody talks, causing me to worry.

I look at the girl, who looks extremely nervous.

"Ryan," I say. "Who is she?"

Silence fills the air, building even more tension. And as the words I was hoping I'd never hear leave Ryan's mouth, my world shatters.

"Her name's Julia, and she's my mate."

Awww poor Alex, I always feel so bad for her.