Olympic Conquest

Lainey - Setting the Tone

A song sets the tone for an entire routine. You have to feel it course through your body, inspiring every move so the audience can feel as if you and the song were always meant to be together.

I know I've changed since the accident. I've experienced what it's like to be brought back to life. Everything feels so heavy at the moment. I need lightness. How do I find a song that says, this is me.

Carmen? No. Swan Lake? No. The theme to On Golden Pond? Maybe.

I have to rebuild my relationship to my skates and then to the ice and then to the music.

And I need to rebuild my relationship with my coach.

I finally convince myself to call Sharon after many months of pushing her away. I pull out my phone and dial her number. She picks up.

"Sharon?"

"Oh my God, Lainey! How are you?" My heart jumps into my throat hearing her voice. She seems upbeat but I'm nervous for some reason.

"I'm okay. I'm feeling better. My hip is healing."

"That's so wonderful to hear."

"Yeah, it's good. So, how are you?"

"I'm doing well. I have two new skaters with a lot of promise. They remind me of you."

"Oh yeah? That's really great." How do I tell her I have a lot of promise? 

"I'm ... well, I'm actually skating again." 

There's a silent pause. "Sharon?"

"That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you."

More silence. My heart races.

"Thank you. That's why I'm calling. I'm hoping we can work together again. I know you're probably worried if I'm up for it, but I feel that I am. I've been skating on my own and I'm feeling my strength coming back. I still know my routines like the back of my hand. I'm ready to get back to work."

Okay, I've said it. Only I'm not getting a good feeling.

"I'm so happy that you're recovery is going so well. But ... I'm so sorry, I don't think I can work with you right now. It's so close to the U.S. championships. I'm booked solid. It wouldn't be fair to you or my other skaters."

"I'm actually wanting to try for the U.S. championships myself. Are you sure you can't squeeze me in? I would take whatever time you could give me. I am thinking of doing the same routine from the Olympics. Keep it simple and work my way back. Take time to find myself again." I have my heart set on this competition but I know I need a coach to help me. I start to panic. Sharon has been my coach for the past decade. I can't imagine competing without her.

"Do you think that's a good idea Lainey?"

My heart races even faster. Another doubter.

"I'm ready to come back Sharon. I only took a year off. Katarina Witt competed in the Olympics when she was 28."

"You've been out of practice for a long time. There are a lot of new skaters on the scene."

"I'm still the Olympic champion the last time I checked."

"Yes, and you should be enjoying your success. Let the new generation have a shot."

"New generation? You make it sound like I'm fifty or something."

"In skating years, you're close. You've always known that skating is a sport for young people. Your body is telling you it's time to slow down. Listen to it. You've reached a pinnacle of success that most people will never know. I would recommend building on that success, not taking a step back."

"I'm not ready to move on."

"But there are a lot of other things you can be doing. Have you thought about coaching? I think you'd make a great coach."

"I'm seeking a coach. I thought you would be able to help me after all our time together."

"I'm sorry Lainey. I really am."

"Thanks for your help Sharon. Good luck with your skaters." I hang up. Tears begin to form in my eyes. I know I pushed Sharon away after the accident but it's hard to not feel betrayed and completely washed up. Is my career truly over? Is this it? Am I a sad sack of a skater trying to make a futile comeback? Have I turned into a cliché? 

What am I going to do now? I haven't told my parents my plans and I don't feel ready to share my goals with them. I need to do this for myself as everyone around me will try to change my mind. I wonder if I should call Cory. He would know what to do. I take out my phone and scroll to find his number. 

The doorbell rings, scaring me. And I remember I'm supposed to have dinner with Mark. Shit! I'm definitely not in the mood for this.

"Hi Mark," I open the door for him. I hate to admit it but he looks good. He's grown out of his boyish looks and is turning into a handsome guy. He kind of reminds me of James Franco.

"Hi Lainey, it's nice to see you. These are for you." He hands me flowers and then leans in for a kiss. I offer my cheek instead.

"Hey, I'm really sorry but I forgot about our dinner. Can you just give me a few minutes to change? Come on in – my parents are out. Make yourself at home."

I rush to my room and I second guess why I agreed to this dinner. I'm already wanting it to be over. I need to focus on the fact that I don't have a coach. 

I throw on some jeans and hurry back down. Maybe the night will be quick.

Mark takes me to a really expensive restaurant in West Hollywood. I should tell him an expensive meal isn't going to wipe away his betrayal of sleeping with someone else. I may not have let go of what he did, but I'm also not convinced his efforts to make up for it are coming from a real place. Or maybe I just don't care and I'm truly over him.

"I hope you like French," he says.

"I've always wanted to eat here," I say, which is the truth.

The waiter seats us and before I can say anything, Mark jumps in. "Lainey, I wanted to apologize for what happened in the past. I was young and stupid. You were the only one I had ever been with. I wanted to see what it was like with someone else before fully committing to you. I know that's selfish and I regret what I did."

"Am I supposed to give you a pass or something? Like it never happened?"

"I want to do whatever it takes to get you back."

I take a second, realizing this is my moment for closure. "I'll be honest Mark. I just don't see myself getting over what you did. You cheated on me and I can't get that vision out of my head every time I look at you. I want to be with someone I trust. I am with someone I trust."

Did I just stay that? Am I with Cory, after all this time? I wonder if he feels the same way?

"I don't want to give up on us. Do you think we could still be friends? I'd really like to try to see if I can be the man you wanted me to be. I know I want to try."

"I don't have the strength to fight you on this. So fine, if you want to be friends, then we can be friends."

Mark reaches over and puts his hand over mine. My body reacts to the familiarity, enjoying the feeling of the warmth. But my heart is completely shut off. I don't see myself ever wanting to be close to Mark again. Being betrayed by someone you love leaves a lasting memory.

And besides there's another man in my thoughts. And he is the one that my heart won't stop crying for.