The Currents You Create

Accidents

"All the sh*t i went through,

It brought me to you...

Never mattered enough and then,

It ended with me fallin in love,

It brought me to you" ~ Accidents, The One AM Radio

ZOE: 

I remember when I first met Emma, I never had a clue that she would go through so much pain in her life. I never expected to become best friends with her but I did.

After she got in touch with me, we grew closer until I was going over to visit with her and the twins every weekend or so. I knew that even then she was still emotionally and physically hurting, but she almost always had a way of turning the focus from her and her problems onto other people. She was one of the most kind people.

When I met Kyle I had preconceived notions-not because Emma was bitter because she wasn't- because I saw such a goodly woman and I felt like Kyle was shrugging his responsibilities as a father on her. I thought Kyle was taking advantage of her kindness. It seemed like Kyle was very selfish.

But when Emma told him her cancer was finally claiming her, I saw first hand how he cared for and mourned for her. Even then I felt like Kyle had only changed his tune because you don't realize what you've got until it's gone. 

For this I was only civil to Kyle.

EMMA:

I'm not sure what the harder part was: leaving the twins in an unknown situation, or leaving my relationships broken like this.

In those next couple of months Kyle did everything to make me get out and enjoy what time I had left. We were always going to the parks, to the beaches, or out on the river in a boat, even though Kyle hates the idea of alligators or sharks. 

Though it was I who was dying, I felt like I was killing Kyle... not physically, but psychologically. I would catch Kyle watching me with a look of agony in his eyes. I knew it was partially from guilt. I only prayed that my plans for life after I was gone would keep and heal Kyle from our past.

When I had about two months left, Dan came for a visit to help Kyle and keep an eye on the kids. About that time I stopped being able to leave the house because I was so ill. 

Kyle and Dan discussed it and admitted me into the hospital... the one place on earth I never wanted to be ever again, let alone die. My memories of Seth's death were faded, but not too much that I didn't remember how he spent his last days shut up in a hospital room. I didn't want that. 

Will, Woody, Chrissy, Dan, Zoe, and the twins were always running in and out of the room. There was never a moment that I was awake and Kyle wasn't by my side. Every night he crawled in my bed, holding my aching, fragile body and I realized that the man I had married was not the man I was then married to. Kyle's growth was so beautiful to me, yet I fell apart knowing I couldn't be there for him after I was gone.

KYLE:

When it was clear Emma was days from death, I brought her home. Even thought the doctors vehemently told me not to, I knew Emma was going to die either way and I knew where she would be happier. 

I sat next to her in her bed room at home and rubbed her back. I could see in her eyes that the morphine wasn't helping allay the pain and it made me angry.

"How could any god watch this and just let it happen? I wish I could back and change things so you wouldn't have to suffer like this," I said.

I could feel her use most of her energy to roll over in bed, facing me. She placed a cold hand on my cheek affectionately.

"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil," she quoted Gandolf. 

"Life is a war. I've lost a lot of battles but at least I'm winning the war... The funny thing is, even though I'm in pain and have been through hell on earth, I would trade any of it because it built me to be who I am. In all those battles I learned to forgive, to love, to laugh, to slow down, to see, to listen, to trust," she squeezed my hand. "I learned that my big plans weren't important. I learned that God always has a better plan than what we think He's got."

I sat bitterly crying but listening to her, "Kyle, those hardships happened for many reasons. God didn't cause them but He didn't stop them. Why? Sometimes the answers are evident. Sometimes we just ask, 'Why,' but in reality who are we to ask God his reasons if He's going to erase the pain when I see Him? So it really doesn't hurt me in the end... or should I say, 'new beginning.'"

"Kyle, don't dwell on how our lives collided. Learn from it and move on... and don't you dare become bitter at God for something you did when He's waiting for you to just ask for forgiveness. Don't be bitter at all."

"All those things, no matter how horrible, they brought us together and we ended up falling in love," she breathed.

I found her hand and interlocked our fingers, taking in her words.

"Promise me you won't be bitter," she whispered.

"I promise," I said, knowing full well I was blatantly lying.

She smiled and soon fell asleep.  

I knew as soon as she was gone I would be battling myself. I wanted to die with her but I knew I couldn't leave the twins. There would be no looking up for heaven, but I'd be waiting to be buried.