The Currents You Create

Don't Know How

"I want to tell you but I don't know how... 

I want to love you but I don't know how..."~ Neptune, Sleeping At Last

EMMA

What have I done. Dear, God, what have I done? Help me, God. 

As I looked into Kyle's eyes I wave of horror more frightening than anything I'd ever experienced pulsed through me veins and I wanted to scream... But I couldn't speak. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't swallow. I couldn't move. 

KYLE

When we were finished I kind of got the feeling she regretted it. 

Is it just my fear talking? I can't stand the thought of hurting her again.

We rinsed off in the river and drove home in silence... and I stared at her beautiful face the whole way. When we got there Emma introduced me to Zoe which was extremely awkward for some reason. Zoe left almost immediately after our introduction and I never thought much about it. 

I was sleep deprived from tour so Emma told me I should go to sleep early in the evening. I didn't know what to do; I was torn between sleeping in the guest room like always or in her room. I wandered around for a few minutes in the kitchen until she told me she had changed the sheets in her room and I would be comfortable in them. I slipped off into bed and fell asleep promptly. 

EMMA

Kyle had gone to bed and I worked on some stuff around the house before I began freaking out again. I grabbed my phone and frantically dialed Zoe. 

"Hello?" I heard her answer.

I opened my mouth to speak but all I heard was nothing. I had lost my voice again and my throat was hurting from me straining. I choked before bursting into tears, hearing Zoe comfort me, cuing, "It's okay." 

I regained my composer and stepped outside on the front porch to talk to her. 

"What happened?" She asked. "Did you tell him?"

"I was going to... but things just... things didn't go as planned."

"What do you mean?" I could hear the surprise in her voice.

"I was so close..." I felt tears role down my face "... so close." I gasped for air before speaking rapidly. "I slept with him- I didn't mean to go so far- I didn't know he loved me. I didn't know how long ago he fell or how much he loved me. Oh my God, Zoe. Oh my God. I'm going to break his heart. What if he turns to drugs or something because of me. What did I do? I slept with him- Why did I have to sleep with him? Now he's going to fall apart. If I hadn't slept with-"

"Calm down, Emma." Zoe interrupted calmly but firmly.

I sat holding my breath silently sobbing.

"He still doesn't know?" she asked.

"No. I don't know how I'm going to tell him. I don't want to crush him."

"You're not going to be here forever. He knew that when you first started. He knew you would either die or the Chemo would heal you and you'd get a divorce. He needs to know and he needs to accept it. The sooner the better," she spoke.

"I know but I can't go through with this-"

"You have to do this." 

I know she is right. I just don't know how.