Dear Carly,
I'm 50 days clean. I did it. I felt like I was trapped. Like every cut I ever gave myself I deserved. I didn't think it would ever stop. It hasn't been an easy 50 days. But I feel like it was worth it.
It doesn't help that I'm so confused right now. A year ago, I believe I talked about and incident that happened between Aleah and I. She kissed me, in the bathroom, many days in a row. I would tell her to stop, she wouldn't. I just went along with it. Then Aleah started dating Hannah. Their relationship lasted a long while, and never told anyone this because I was afraid to..But...I then started to have feelings towards Aleah. It scared me. I knew Han would be angry. So I kept it to myself. The relationship between them got abusive, then I stopped having feelings for Aleah after they broke up. It wasn't Aleah, it was Hannah. I was jealous of Aleah because she had Hannah, and I didn't. Anyway..Now there is Han and I. We have a really strong friendship but we're both kinda ruining that bit by bit. We are constantly together, we're always hugging or she has her arm around me or we're saying I love yous, or handing each other notes with cute quotes on them throughout the day. Hannah is the only person in my life who hasn't found a way to hurt me...so how do I do this? Do I back off, and keep it strictly friendly? Orr...Do I see where this goes because I love her? I'm confused. Because I've never had feelings for any other girl BUT Hannah. Really. Confused. Nobody knows what's going on with us, or how I'm feeling. I can't tell anyone. I can't.
Let's get off that topic.
School is rough around the edges. I joined a support group...that has been interesting. But helpful. I've been speaking, like...motivational, life speeches. That has been fun. Maybe my speaking career will take off soon? I feel like I'm stronger in high school. Like...not many things bother me. I'm not as overly sensitive. I think that's a good thing? Yea.
I have a job, that's been fun. I work at a haunted house. The people there are sooo nice and sweet if you don't piss them off hahaha.
I've been okay. I'm 50 days. And I'm okay.
Love,
Me
