Dear Carly,
What type of heart do I possess?
I can answer that. A hurting heart.
I'm going to continue to smile and pretend I'm fine,
I'm gonna laugh and pretend I'm not hurt, but I am.
My anxiety is out of this world, I have forgotten how to control it.
I'm scared. I figured out what I'm afraid of...
Everything. I know it seems almost impossible, but it's not.
I'm afraid of the things I've heard, done,
I'm afraid of myself, and what is next for me in life.
Anyywaaayyy, My life sucks, but I think it could be worse,
I'm running on 8 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours and coffee,
The nightmares are back! My head is pounding, I feel sick,
I'm falling apart. I'm afraid to sleep, the nightmares are terrifying!
By 11, I'm laying on my floor, doing everything in my power
NOT TO FALL ASLEEP! And if I do, scary things will happen in my dreams!
It's a classic nightmare, ya know,
Death, knives, bad thoughts,
But the thing about the nightmares is,
They are things that I've done, coming back to haunt me.
Things that I regret, and DON'T want to think about anymore!
I experienced nightmares while I was AWAKE,
back in November and December. They were basic flashbacks,
But they haunt me!!!!! They still do, I occasionally still have them!
You can tell when I do, I'm so out of it at that time.
I started cutting again and I'm SO disappointed in myself!
I went 3 weeks strong, I had hope, I
thought I could escape from the demons this time around!
Deep Down, I've lost. My. Mind.
I promised myself that I'll fight till the end!
I will win my war! I've tried giving up,
I've tried surrendering, but it won't get you anywhere.
Staying Strong, and showing the world that you made it
when nobody thought you would will make you stronger than the rest.
This entry is scaring meeee!
So,
We had to pair up in Sumodi's class,
I was the only one that worked alone!
Not unusual for me, I'm quiet in school,
I'm not one to raise my hand, or ask questions.
I love working independently, I get more done.
Ms.Sumodi leaned forward on my desk and whispered
"Do you want to work with Faith and Summer, or Kayleigh and Meghan?"
Me, the silent one, shook my head with a NO!
Make that a hell no! People scare me!
I really want a hug from Jay!
There's a new kid, and he took Jay's old locker.
Do you know how awkward that is for me?
It makes me uncomfortable! I miss him so much!
Shelby claims I loved him, yes, I did...as a friend.
He was always there, by my side. I poured my heart out to him,
And still do over text, It's not the same tho. He's not far, I know,
Eh..who am I kidding.
KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!
:-( I need so much help!
Ugh...maybe it's lack of sleep?
I don't know.
Love,
The clueless
