Dear Carly,
It's been a while..again.
And there's a lot to catch up on, so please stay with me here.
Last time I wrote I talked about my relationship with Han and if I wanted to keep it a friendship or go further with it. My decision was friendship. Hannah might just be the greatest friend I've ever had because she hasn't found a way to hurt me. I'm grateful for that. But umm..Hannah just told me something not too long ago and before I tell you what that is I need to start from the beginning. I met Hannah the first day of my 8th grade year, and you immediately have to love her and her smartass, sarcastic, yet adorable personality. But this year I saw a change in that. She's still her smartass, sarcastic, adorable self but I miss that smile I used to see everyday. I don't see it as often. I wasn't going to ask what was wrong, but that doesn't mean I wasn't concerned, I was just scared because I remember a girl and this girl was in a very similar situation at one point and that girl was me. I knew what was happening with her, but I was in denial. I wanted to be wrong. She is depressed and has an eating disorder and it only took me two weeks to accept that. I avoided her all day after she told me that directly too and I still feel awful about that. Anyway...I'm okay, again, I've accepted it. Hannah is okay too and that's all that really matters. I just want to be able to carry her problems for her. I know that's not exactly healthy so I'm just gonna try my hardest to be there for her when she needs me.
Not only does she have an eating disorder, but she figured out about mine. I guess it was easy to figure out considering the fact that when she has invited me over the past two times I don't even touch food let alone look at it. It frustrates me. It's not that I don't want to eat, it's that I can't. I look at food and it just doesn't look good! I'm working on it though. I'm determined.
I started seeing a psychologist again and I like her. I'm sure I would've liked the last 3 too if I actually tried giving them a chance. But..that doesn't matter. What matters now is that I'm getting help and accepting it. That's HUGE progress for me.
My support group for first semester was finished up, and I'll be doing it again next semester. I've formed a bond with the teacher in charge of it, and it's so nice to have someone to talk to when life goes wrong at school.
Cutting.
Well...I'm about 86 days clean. Let me tell you..it has been so hard. Kylie started cutting again, and when she comes to me for help it makes me want to relapse but I'm not just gonna not help her! If I'm her person, I'll be her person even if it puts me at risk. I don't want anything to happen to her. Every time I have an anxiety attack, I have the urge to cut and there are a couple times that it has gotten close to happening. It's just another thing I have to work on I guess.
My birthday is tomorrow.
And I just hope it's better than today.
Love,
Me
