Dear Carly,
I want people to just be able to look me in the eyes, & see that I'm not okay. I'm not alright. I'm destroyed, I'm broken, I'm missing the most important pieces, I will never be whole again.
Yet, I will continue to smile no matter how hurt I am. Because who wants to put up with my crap? Nobody. That's why nobody says anything anymore. I'm my only hope... and that's not a good thing. I grasp on to ANYTHING to get me through the day.
Pain. Sitting in a corner. Looking into a mirror. Shaking uncontrollably. Tears streaming down your face. Hair in your eyes. Words in your head. Knives in your heart. Blood streaming down your thighs.
Nobody there that you can talk to, because nobody wants to listen anymore. Nobody there to hug you either.
I can't help but feel alone. Nobody understands. Everyone yells. Who do I go to anymore? Nobody. I bottle it up until it hurts to breathe, every breath sends a burning sensation through my lungs. I'm surrounded by darkness, when all I try to give is kindness. I don't understand. Yea...I said it. I feel alone. Every single day of my life, I'm ashamed to admit that to the ones who say they love me. I'm sorry. I just want to belong.
I know it's bad when I'm desperate enough to visit the school counselor. I'd rather be locked in a cage with tigers.
My family thinks I'm doing so much better. Truly, it's my fault. I isolate myself in my bedroom. I don't talk to anyone. When the time comes, when I snap, they don't hear my screams through the wall they don't hear me whisper to myself "help me." I scroll through my contacts, trying to find one person. But I can't even type a single hi without freaking out. I can't hit the call button without tears streaming down my face, gasping for air. Thinking they'll yell at me, or give me a huge lecture I don't want to hear. I want to feel safe. Yelling at me won't do that. I hate hearing swear words anymore. They make me feel like I've done something wrong. Probably true. But I don't want to add to the pain.
Kenzie keeps saying "You have to talk to someone!" And I keep repeating. "Who do I talk to?" Who can I talk to anymore?! Seriously Kenzie! I hate telling people about my problems anymore! And I know damn well nobody wants to hear about them.
I'm a mess. I absolutely HATE hearing the words "You're the only one who can make it better!" Or "It'll be okay!" YOU'RE NOT HELPING! It just reminds me how far I haven't come. Let's just...talk. No arguments, no lectures. Let's just talk. Please? That's all I ask. If I do come to you when I'm upset. It's because you're the one who can make the pain go away. Just for a little while. You give me a little piece of hope. I'm distant with people anymore. I'm so sorry. I really am.
I will never forget what Camillia told me:
"The people who really care won't hurt you...
But if they do, you'll see it in their eyes, that they were hurting too."
"You're strong, You go through Hell, But you haven't given up. Ya know, I'm not going to say everything will be okay, because I know it's occasionally not true. But I will say, You can't survive, you have to live."
Anyone wanna guess who told me that?
Don't be concerned if I don't talk to anyone this week. I'm not in the mood. If anyone wants to know if I'm still alive. Only one person can do that. And most of you know who I ask for.
Love,
The hurt, lonely girl.
_______________
To the ones I've lost:
Rochelle,
I miss you. I'm sorry for whatever I did. All of a sudden you just stopped meeting me after school. Everytime I try and make conversation with you, you try everything in your power to avoid me. I thought you were a true friend, one that would always be there for me. I guess not.
Addie,
Simak makes me sit at your lunch table so I'm not sitting alone. I know, it's torturous for the both of us. Every word you say to me is like a stab in the heart, that hasn't changed. You haven't changed.
August,
You've stopped talking to me. You stopped asking me how I was doing. You don't care, not even a smile. You never cared.
Kennedy,
4th grade, last time I saw you. You left before one of the hardest years of my life. AKA: Where all this started. Thanks for always being there for me.
Gracie,
I haven't lost you yet. But you're keeping your distance. I can't thank Em enough for telling me about you. You were there when she couldn't be. I love you. Hope life will be good in Pennsylvania. I'll never forget you.
Camilla (or...Carly)
Friends since Preschool. You moved in 6th. We've lost contact. I started writing you letters in 3rd grade, because I was too shy to talk to to. The last one I wrote to you was a day before you moved. I never gave it to you. Anyway, I continue to write you letters. In this book. Hoping one day, maybe you will discover them.
