Dear Carly,
I'm doing GREAT! Fabulous, Never Better.
No...that's a lie.
So...I'm invisible to the world?
Well, that seems to be the case.
Why talk if nobody listens?
My heart is broken. I do nothing but cry. I'm surprised I'm not out of tears.
I haven't talked to anyone this week. And if I have talked to you, well...you're lucky. But I'd hate to put it that way. You're not lucky, it's because you haven't given me a reason not to trust you. Love ya!
IF you have talked to me, I've probably mentioned the word lonely a couple times. I'm not lonely because I have nobody next to me, or physically with me. It's the feeling of sadness at night. And realizing you can't talk to anyone without the constant fear that your disturbing their precious sleep time. It's the feeling of a lonely, horrible school day. When the only ones who seem to notice you are bullies. I sit alone on the opposite side of the cafeteria. That side is empty. There's two stone brick walls blocking out reality. I know what your saying: "GO SIT WITH SOMEONE!" I'm not stupid! I've tried that! I don't fit it. When I try to start conversations, I'm ignored! SOCIETY SUCKS! I've learned to be okay with being alone. I prefer to be alone. After all...I seem to get more done.
Mr.Davis is going to try and help me throughout the school year. To try and find at least one friend for me. He called me into a private meeting last Friday. I guess he talked to Ms.Crabtree. He knows I've had a rough 4 years. He mentioned lunch, and enrichment and asked why I sit alone. That is a good question. Again, I've learned to be okay with being alone. I spent 2 of those 4 years sitting in the bathroom eating my lunch because nobody would let me sit with them! EVERYONE TURNED ON ME! Why do you think I have a hard time trusting people?!?! All those people were my friends...or at least I thought they were.
Now I ask myself...
Why did I share that?
People still don't get it do they? Almost every single word that comes out of someones mouth now a days HURTS! I don't tell people anything anymore because I don't like the feeling of being stabbed in the gut! Or just being broken hearted. My sensitivity has gotten to a point where if you ignore my text, look at me strange, yell at me, or just tell me to do something, it changes my mood for the entire day.
Ya know what? I'm ultra effected by things, I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm offended easily, I'm always paranoid. But God Damn it! That's who I am! And if you have a problem with it you can leave! But please give me a reason why?
Do I have problems? Hell yea I do. I push people away. And that scares the living hell out of me because I don't even know I'm doing it. What if one day ...I have nobody? Now that...that scares me.
I'm back to that thing. That thing I've talked about before. Every time I'm told something that hurts me, one cut. It'll get colder soon. Which means long sleeves. I won't have to be as cautious.
Love,
I don't even know anymore!
