"It's Not Love If It Hurts" //5sos

/20/

  Annie was trapped inside her own mind.

  Because I love you, because I love you, because I love.

  What if there was nothing she could do? What if she was stuck in this endless vortex of pain, forever? What if, the next time she was beginning to get better, it all just happens again?

  What if? Where would she be then?

  What was the point anyways? She shouldn't be so upset about this happening- it was just s.ex! It was just s.ex, and it happened, and she had to move on, dammit! What was wrong with her?

  Why couldn't she just move on?

***********************************

  Calum had the day off, so he busied himself cleaning. Annie sat on the couch, a blanket wrapped around her as she observed.

  Annie watched Calum with a strange fascination. She thought of their vacation- they had been so close then. Kissing and hugging and holding hands. They were never in a real relationship, but it felt as though one was right around the corner. And then it happened again, and everything shattered.

  They had kissed the other day, but they both knew that passion they felt on the moment could only last so long.

  Annie was shaken from her thoughts when Calum walked over to clean the coffee table. To do so, he had to walk around it, meaning he had to walk right next to her, almost brushing her. And Annie realized she was afraid, she was afraid he would touch her and afraid of him, and Annie realized she shouldn't be afraid of him. Calum was not Mikey- he wasn't! And Annie needed to remember that.

***********************************

  Annie sat criss-crossed on her bathroom counter, staring at the mirror. She'd had her hair changed for a while, but was still getting used to it.

  She ran her fingers over the shaved sides delicately, trying to get used to the feeling. Her hair was starting to grow out, the sides becoming longer than they used to be, but she didn't care enough to get them trimmed yet.

  Annie's fingers stopped, her mind drifting. She looked in the mirror, just like she had back at the boys house, and thought back to what she used to see. First, she saw and girl with red, wavy hair and a smirk. Then she saw a girl who was tired, her hair tangled. The girl after that was completely empty- a toy. And slowly she regained her personality, looking into the mirror with a vow to make a change. A vow to be strong.

  And then the girl with the pale skin and eye bags was back, only this time, with bruises. She ran away, and when she came back, she was even more terrified. She was safe for a little while, as she started to fall for Calum. The girl she would see in the mirror would have a small smile, a grin even. They went to Mexico. Annie had almost completely healed, though whenever she looked in the mirror she could still trace the places where bruises once lay. And then they went back.

  Annie was happy. She fell asleep with Calum that night, and everything seemed perfect.

  And just like that, the terrified girl was starring back at her in the mirror, the scared girl who had once more been violated, and doubted anything would ever be okay again.

That was the night when she had stabbed Mikey.

  Calum and her had driven to this house, where she had been trying to fit the pieces back together again ever since.

  She had scrubbed at her hair, at her body, trying to make his touches go away, but no matter how many bottles of soap she went through, she still felt so, so f.ucking dirty.

  Annie had her hair cut and dyed, and somehow, it didn't feel dirty anymore.

  And now, she looked in the mirror, and saw a different girl. She saw a girl that wasn't Mikey's toy- not anymore. She was better, she was healthier again, she was alright. She was just fine. She was just fine.

  Am I fine? Annie asked herself.

  She got up and walked back to her room.