One True Bond (COMPLETE)

Shah Rukh Khan

Kajol and I haven't spoken much since she told me she wanted an abortion. I refuse to let her leave my sight making her sit on set as I film. I don't know what to do. I feel like I was too harsh on her. It's not her fault she's not comfortable being pregnant, I mean losing a child is hard but giving birth to it must be even harder.
"Where are you going?" I reach for Kajol's hand but she moves it quickly. She looks at me.
"I need some air," she sighs. I'm being too clingy, I know I am I bet she feels like she can't breathe because of me. I watch her walk away and wonder whether she's going to my trailer on set or whether she's going to try and leave. I feel guilty for making her stay on set. She has to cover her wrists whether that's with bangles or a long sleeve top and I know it makes her uncomfortable and awkward thinking people are staring. I have to get her to talk to me. I grab some paper and a pen and set to work on my plan.
"Kajol?" I say walking into my trailer. She's sat on a sofa reading a magazine. She looks up but doesn't say anything. I wander over to her and hand her some paper.
"Practise my script with me?" I smile and she closes the magazine.
"Trying to keep me in your sight?" She asks putting the magazine next to her. I shrug.
"It's practical too," I shake the papers and she takes them. I sit in the armchair opposite and wait for her to read the first line.
"I know it's hard on you too," she reads and I look down at my 'script'.
"It must be harder on you though?" I glance across the page. I had just written this and hope it'll get Kajol to open up.
"You're just saying that, saying what you think I want to hear."
"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not," I shrug.
"You like to be cryptic. I know I've not been honest with you but you're not honest with me either," she continues to read the lines.
"Well I'm sorry you feel that way but it's hard not being able to help you because you won't open up," I sigh, we're getting to the bottom of the page.
"Why do you stay with me when all I put you through is hell?"
"Because I love you and I'd rather go through hell with you than anyone else." I watch as Kajol turns the page over, it's blank. She looks at me.
"You could have just asked to speak to me," she places the paper next to her and crosses her arms the bangles on her wrists moving up slightly showing the bandages on her arms.
"What and have another shouting battle?" I question shaking my head, "why don't you want it?" Kajol looks at me sadness dawning in her eyes.
"Do you know how many miscarriages I've had?" She inquires pulling her lips into a straight line.
"Three, including the ectopic pregnancy," I reply but she just shakes her head.
"Five including the ectopic pregnancy. Do you know what it feels like to know you're pregnant then a couple of days later start your period and know that you're no longer carrying the start of a life, huh? Do you know what it feels like to watch everything you've ever wanted and dreamed of slip away in a night? I can't go through another two hours of labour to give birth to a baby I'll never hear cry or call me mummy," Kajol lets the tears roll silently down her face, "I know it's hard on you Shah Rukh. I know you're desperate for a child but desperate to stay with me but I can't let you ruin your life for me. I'm a failure. Women are put on this earth to give birth to the next generation and I can't even do that. How do you think that makes me feel, huh? Huh? Answer me!"
"I don't know," I admit, "but maybe this time it's different." The words seem to make her angry.
"Different? The doctor called our baby 'healthy and strong' and then a couple of weeks later it was gone," Kajol hisses, "I can't do it Shah Rukh. I'm tired, my body is so tired." I know she is I can see it in her eyes in the way she's not so defiant anymore, the way her shouting eventually ends with 'I'm going to bed' not the usually battle to prove she's right.
"But I'm here Kajol," like that's going to make a difference. Kajol shakes her head and wipes her cheeks.
"I don't want you here," she whispers, "I don't want to hurt you anymore." She stands up and walks past me so I grab her wrist.
"Is this why you hurt yourself?" I ask. I have to know the answer.
"You won't give me up Shah Rukh. The only way you'll let go is if I'm gone," she kisses my head and I feel my grip on her loosen. She takes the opportunity to remove her arm from my grasp and walk out of the trailer door letting it close softly behind her, like she's a ghost.