How I feel when I'm around you (System Of A Down)(EN)

Confusion, confusion

-Paul-

The silence in this cubicle is strangely heavy despite the echo of the music. Nikki clearly is affected by alcohol more than it should be, she probably didn't eat earlier so that's even worse... I'm not sure about how sober she is right now.

She suddenly approaches me and kisses me hungrily but without any real feeling but I don't mind, I'm single since some time, she's cute and if she wants we can spend some pleasant time together; I kiss her back and we end up against a wall, our bodies pushing against each other, and this causes me some arousal. For a while I lose knowledge of what's happening, but when reality strikes back again and I see our conditions an alarm snaps in my mind.

«Do you...?» I ask softly.

She stares blankly for a while before pushing again her body against mine, heavily breathing.

«Nikki» I call her by her name, pulling away «don't do anything regrettable.»

«I-I...» she stutters, fixing her clothes almost mechanically and sitting down again. «I feel so giddy. Can we go back to the bus?»

«Sure, let's go find Bree first» I answer quietly. «But tell me... are you so much lovelorn you thought that sex could give you relief? Is this the reason why you're usually so apathic and why you look worn out?»

A long pause comes after my question, then the answer comes in a very low tone. «I feel like shit, Paul, and not because of alcohol... I'm very very sorry for what I did.»

«Don't worry, that was nothing. C'mon, follow me, let's go search for Bree so we can go back to the bus.»

-Daron-

«Gosh, I'm so bored» Serj yawns. «Where's Nikki?»

«Nikki is hanging out with the two new roadies, Beno told me since he's the one who allowed them» Shavo answers, absent-mindedly leafing through a newspaper and lying in his bunk as Serj does.

«Do you know where they went?»

«No, but I'm pretty sure they didn't go very far.»

Silence comes back and I sigh, I'm tired yet bored as fuck and willing to do something. After a while I decide to go out for a walk, so I get up, wear a warm jacket and pick up the essentials.

«Where are you going?» the singer asks, curious.

«I'm going out for a walk, be back soon» I answer enigmatically, waving my bandmates goodbye before getting off the bus.

The air is cool as if it's still winter and I shiver slightly in my clothes, then I start to walk and the chill seems to decrease; I hear the hit "Blue" by Eiffel 65, a quite annoying song in my opinion, coming out of the open doors of a club and I decide to get in because I don't want to go ahead walking on my own and fighting the cold.

Luckily the place isn't too much crowded, so I easily walk through. I stop at the counter to watch the people on the dance floor, not wanting to buy something to drink, and that's when I see Nikki and the two roadies: the new girl, the brunette one, is dancing with a stranger, while the other two dance together. 

When I see Nikki and Paul laughing, with their arms thrown around each other's necks and with almost no distance between their bodies, a feeling that resembles a slight annoyance rises up but quickly turns into a strong sensation of nuisance that stings and claws at my guts so I'm forced to look away.

"Are you jealous, Malakian?" the usual perky, ill-timed voice in my mind speaks mockingly; my cheeks start to burn and I feel like I'm lacking oxygen so I run out of the place; once I'm out I settle in a quiet place and light up a joint, hoping it'll help me to calm down.

So, Malakian, how are you doing?

Oh no, not now, you bitch! Why can't you give me a break now that I'm smoking?!

You thought you'd get away with it easily? How fool, you nitwit! You can't run away from me, I'm in your mind and you have to deal with me, like it or not.

What the fuck do you want, you motherfucker?

I want you to stop and reflect, you recently avoided doing it a lot.

About what, huh?

About your social relations, especially the one with the vicarious problem solver tech, a girl named Nikki Gray you know pretty well since some months.

Nikki?

Yeah, gnome.

Well... her wit charms me, she's also cute and different from the others and there's some affinity between our characters.

What a lovely eulogy, I'm so touched.

I've been totally honest, you mocking motherfucker!

Not through and through.

You say?

C'mon, Malakian, let's not kid anymore... you feel something for her.

What? She's only a friend, nothing else!

You think I'm gullible, you chump? Your face flushed deep red, your heart is beating fast and you also snapped vehemently. You were jealous when you saw her dancing with Paul.

Jealousy? I just thought they were too close, that's all.

Why did it bother you, then? You usually don't go around measuring how close people are while they dance.

...I don't know. At this point I surrender.

That's all for now, but you can't keep stifling your thoughts and your feelings for much longer... if you keep going on like this you'll end up fucking up badly and regretting it.

I'll think about it later, now let me finish my damn joint in peace.

Maybe, after all, there is some truth... but I can't handle it right now.

[Author's note: hello! I finally managed to update and this makes me happy xD hope this makes you happy as well and sorry for the long wait! Moving back home has been a bit tricky and my PC is showing some signs of age so I've been using other PCs recently but I think it won't die on me soon x3 However, this chapter is kinda a "turning point" in the story as you could see, couldn't find a better title so I hope you don't mind, and thank you as always for reading, voting and commenting, I'm always so flattered by your love! <3]