These Dreams

The Fear Inside

"All the more reason for you to climb into a soft bed," Killian said reasonably. He lifted her chin, forcing her face up. "Look, if you don't want me to touch you, you only have to say so. I've never forced myself on a woman in my life."

She brought her eyes up, startled. "I didn't think you would."

"Then what's the problem? After all you and I have been through - together - why the distance? Why tonight?"

She walked over to the bed, sinking down on it. "Because Henry was right."

"Henry?"

"Well, not Henry. The boggart."

"This is about that...thing?" Killian sat down next to her. "It wasn't even real, Swan."

"It was real enough. A boggart knows your deepest fears and transforms itself to play on them. And he was right on target with mine." Emma dropped her head back. "I did want Neal out of the way. Not like that, of course, but I did."

He reached over, taking her hand. "And I'm supposed to judge you for that, love? The boggart was right about me, too. I'd have never wished Neal dead, but I wanted him out of the way."

"Yeah, but not for the same reason," she said. She pushed her hands between her knees, and rocked for a moment in uncomfortable silence while she gathered her thoughts.

"I wanted him gone because I knew I couldn't love him like he wanted me to," she said.

Killian turned to look at her. "There's no shame in that. You can't help what you feel."

"Or don't feel," she said. "I didn't feel that way about him because - " she broke off, biting her lip and shaking her head, as if unable to continue. Killian reached out, taking her hand.

"Go on," he said.

She took in a deep breath, and let the words flow out in a rush. "Because I don't think I can love anyone that way. I don't have the capacity for deep, romantic, true love."

He quirked a brow. "You don't think," he said, lifting her hand to his lips. "But you don't know, either."

"No, I know, all right. And that's the problem."

He looked at her steadily. "Because you're soon to be out of here and you don't think you can wake me when you get back."

Emma's eyes filled with tears and her voice broke as she answered him. "What if I can't?"

He stroked her knuckles with his thumb, watching the play of his fingers over hers. "Then you can't."

"You shouldn't have done this."

His eyes met hers again. "But I did. And I didn't do it out of any hope that you'd feel obligated enough to love me for it. I may have been a villain most of my life, but even I know that's not how love works."

She shook her head. "I know after all we've been through - there and here - it seems like this should be a no-brainer, but it's just not. Not for me."

"Well," he said with an overly-loud sigh, "It never is easy for you, love. And I would prefer that when you do make a decision, you do it with your brain as well as your heart. One without the other usually leads to disaster."

"I don't want you stranded here," she whispered.

"If we can get rid of Morpheus, it won't be all bad," he said. "I'll just find my way to you every night. I'll probably have more time with you that way than I ever got in Storybrooke."

He gave her a crooked grin, and she was lost.

"Killian..." she didn't know what to say, so she slid her arms around his neck, pulling him down into a kiss. His lips met hers, and his body kept going. She went down on her back, unresisting. It didn't take long before their clothing was out of the way and their bodies were straining against each other as their mouths met and hands moved over skin, tracing patterns of fire with every stroke and caress.