Light of my Life

Christmas Kid

LAUREN

There they were. All walking towards the gate. Security kept girls at bay as they walked. I ran, growing closer and closer. My heart was pounding, guilt was racing. I took a deep breath.

I brushed through the crowd, sliding past the front row of girls, and under the arm of a security member. "Hey!" He called out. I turned to face him, pulling my hat off so he could see my face. He looked surprised for a moment, and then turned away, giving me permission to continue.

I grabbed Alex's arm, holding him back. He stopped walking and turned around. Recognizing my face, he scowled a little. It stung in my chest.

"What do you want, Lauren." We stood still at the gate, staring at each other. The rest of the band slowed and looked back at us. Fans gathered around. So many eyes staring at me. I swallowed nervously and turned back to Alex, trying to ignore the now quieting crowd.

"Alex," I began. I bit my lip nervously before continuing. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. I should never have made you decide between me and your career. That was stupid. Love isn't having someone give up their dream for you. It's encouraging someone to follow their dream, and being there every step of the way to support them and their dream. I was so stupid-"

"Don't call yourself stupid," he sighed. I brushed away his comment.

"Please let me get through this," I begged. "Look, love is about being fair, being even, being mutual. It's a tricky balance between giving and receiving. It's a lot like Christmas. You know how you were younger, and when you woke up on Christmas morning, all you could think about was getting presents. You never thought about giving presents. That's how a lot of people see love, like a kid on Christmas. All they want is to get things. They want recognition, gifts, sacrifice. But if all people did was receive Christmas presents, eventually people would stop giving, and then there would be no Christmas presents left."

Alex's face fought a childish smile. I took a breath and continued.

"I'm trying to say that I was acting like a kid on Christmas. All I wanted was to get things from you. I wanted to get a second date, get you to say 'I love you,' get you to kiss me, get you to stay in New York. I never thought about giving you anything, and I'm so sorry for that."

He nodded. "I forgive you."

"I just wanted you to know that you have my blessing. I hope that you have fun in Atlanta. I hope that you sing your heart out and never stop smiling. I want you to live your dream, I had it wrong. You should love being in the band. You need to keep saving lives and doing what you love. This is my sacrifice. This is me finally giving you something. I'm sorry it took me so long to see it this way. I'm sorry for what I said, and this is my effort to make amends before you leave for good. I just want you to know that I want you to have the time of your life. And if you ever want to come to New York and see me again, I will welcome you with open arms, but I won't ask you to stay."

I searched his stormy oceans. They were wavy, gray. He swallowed dryly and his eyelids glowed red. "Did you just compare our situation to Christmas morning?" He laughed.

I smiled. "I love you, and I hope you realize that those words mean something entirely different now than what they did before today." 

He hesitated, like you would before jumping out of a plane when going skydiving. Feelings raced through his mind, and I could read them clearly in his eyes like a book. I felt them too. 

Fear, so much fear engulfed him. It was followed by curiosity, and then a realization that even though he was terrified beyond a doubt of the path that lay before him, he was longing to jump. He was desperate to jump.

"I love you too," he responded, and my heart filled with immense joy. 

He pulled close and kissed me. His hands grabbed my waist strongly, not letting go. I curled my arms around his neck, pulling him closer as we kissed. Everything was spinning, and I was dizzy. Time was frozen around us, and there was nothing but him and me in the entire world.

I had been waiting for so long to hear those words, and now that I had, they were in such a different context than I had thought they would ever be. This was love. This need to give. This need to make sure that Alex was happy, that he was following his dreams.

We parted slowly, and the world crept back in. The screaming fans, who were now calling my name as well. The announcements through the speakers overhead in the airport. I let out a breathy laugh, gazing into his eyes joyfully.

"Now what?" I asked. It didn't matter anymore that he was leaving, we were one. He would never leave. He was in my heart, and I was in his. Alex looked at me happily for a second, and then his eyes lit up with an idea.

"Come on tour with me," he said. "Come sing with us! Not as a part of the band, but as like, an opener. Live your impossible dream, Lauren. Live your far-fetched vision of performing for a living." The crowd still roared. Noah, Jason, and Keegan all looked at me expectantly, and Keegan's cast was covered in my signatures. I turned back to Alex, a smiled permanently pasted onto my lips.

All of a sudden I could see our lives in front of us. I could see us constantly sacrificing for each other. I could see us living life, growing, kissing, learning, loving. I could see it all through his eyes, and I was sure he could see it through mine. 

"I do love to sing," I breathed. 

"And you've got the voice of an angel," he responded.

I didn't know how I was going to figure everything out. I didn't know what I was going to do when it came to Alyssa, or college, or anything really. But in that moment, I didn't worry about the details. Because I had my voice, I had a platform to make my wildest fantasies and dreams come true, and I had Alex.

I was staring into his ocean, diamond eyes. And they blinked and stared back. It was just me and him, our dreams and ambitions weaving together into one. And I knew in that moment, that wherever Alex went, wherever he traveled, that's where I belonged.

I had never really had a place I called home until then. Sure, I had grown up in a house, but it was full of too many painful memories to look back on. I was sure with more time the aching I felt in my heart would fade, but even then, a sorrow for Keegan would always be there. If Minnesota and my past had been my home before, it definitely wasn't now.

It wasn't New York either. Home wasn't my dorm, or the University. It wasn't even a place actually. Home is never a place. The places you care about without the people that make them special, are just places. Home is never a location, home is a soul. Home is a hug. Home is a scent.

Alex was my home, and as long as I was with him, I had a feeling the rest of my life was going to be astounding.

I was utterly, hopelessly, truly in love with Alexander Henry Morrison, and Alexander Henry Morrison was utterly, hopelessly, truly in love with me.