Light of my Life

Lightning Avenue

I wanted to go back. I wanted to leave and sprint down corridors of the Manhattan Mall. I wanted to go outside and feel the freezing moisture in my lungs.

In fact if I didn't leave the line, I feared I would throw up. The hundreds of other girls here to see their favorite boy band were corralled into a feeble attempt at a line. We stepped on each other's toes, all of us sweaty. A fit of dizziness would overcome me every time the line began to inch forward and I would have to move. 

What waited for me on the other side of all of the fans was too good to pass up, so I stayed where I was. The opportunity to meet the people that saved my life was slowly feeding adrenaline into my system.  

My fingers ticked like the hands of a clock. They constantly tapped at my side as I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. My hand wrapped instinctively around the silver ring pushed onto my left index finger. I rolled it back and forth while I waited for my turn. Suddenly, a fit of nausea washed over me. I blinked harshly, focusing on the seemingly unstable tile floor underneath my navy sneakers.

I didn't understand why I was so agitated. The excitement of meeting them wasn't mutual. They were probably more bored than excited or nervous. There were millions of us, and four of them. 

Maybe I was nervous because I wanted to be different than all of the other fans they would meet. I wanted to be seen as more than another face, another pointless name thrown in their direction, another embarrassed hello and goodbye.  

The line moved up several feet, and girls began craning their necks to get a glimpse of the band. I stayed where I was and rubbed the silver ring back and forth.

What if this was going to be awkward? What if I couldn't think of anything to say? Everyone in line behind me would be watching and waiting for their turn. This was possibly the most awkward and anxiety enacting way to meet someone. I twisted the ring with more conviction, and my breath became shallow.

The line inched ahead, and the boys became closer. Suddenly I was next. I stood on the green footprints on the floor. A burly security officer's hand waved for me to stay where I was. A pounding erupted from my chest. The colors and noises around me blurred. I wasn't ready. I had been waiting for this moment since junior year of high school. Now that it was here, I was finally realizing just how unprepared I was. I was going to blow it. I was going to embarrass myself beyond belief. I couldn't do this. 

"Next," the security officer bellowed over the line. I took a deep breath of air, which cooled and calmed my lungs. The gate swung open and I took a step forward, entering the small space sectioned off for the band. Lightning Avenue stood in a line and smiled at me.

"Good evening," Keegan grinned. I let out a gasp. He was talking to me.

They were real, and they were blinking and breathing in front of me. A chill ran up my spine. It was a scary realization; the fact that you didn't understand how authentic someone really was, until you were face to face with them. 

"Hi," a squawk escaped my lips. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Hi, I'm Lauren. It's nice to meet you."

"Well, it's nice to meet you too, Lauren!" Jason stuck his hands into his pockets. I smiled and stood a little taller, looking over all the boys. They were just people after all. Up close, there was nothing intimidating about people.

"Where are you from, Lauren?" Alex asked. Any scrap of confidence I had left drained along with the color in my face. I looked over at him helplessly.

Alex Morrison was the member of Lightning Avenue that truly intimidated me. If there was anyone I didn't want to leave a bad impression on, it was him. Not only was he compassionate, but his eyes were magnificent.

They were two penetrating kaleidoscopes. Two stars fused into pearls and set in his face. They sparkled like diamonds, and cut like them too. On an average day they stayed soft like buttery, blue marble. For a second, our eyes locked. I never thought I would have the privilege of making eye contact with Alex Morrison. 

"Lauren?" He quietly drew me back to reality. My hair stood straight up on the back of my neck. I looked around at the boys again.

"I'm sorry, this is all a little nerve-wracking," I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "I'm from Minnesota, but I live here in New York now."

"Cool, it's okay to be nervous," Noah assured. "Should we take a picture?"

"Yeah, that'd be cool." 

"Do you want the picture to have a certain theme?" Jason suggested.

I wasn't prepared for that question. My heart jumped up in my throat. "Uh, silly face?"

Keegan glowed with charisma. The band surrounded me in a line facing the camera. Their arms overlapped mine. I felt Alex's hand resting in the center of my back and my face glowed cherry red.

Three flashes erupted from the camera, and the photographer gave us a thumbs up. Everyone pulled away, ready to say goodbye. For a second, something other than my own agenda told me that I couldn't let that happen. 

"Wait," I stopped and pulled the four boys into a a tight hug. They hugged me back, surrounding me in a tight circle. "Thank you for everything," I whispered, enveloped peacefully within them. "You guys saved my life. Thank you."

I pulled away, and they slowly let go, feelings of empathy displayed on their faces. I smiled and then twisted the ring on my finger twice, slowly beginning to walk away. Content rested in my stomach.

"Hey, Lauren?" Alex called after me hesitantly. My heart clumsily banged around in my chest at the sound of my name from his lips. I stopped moving and gradually turned around, an even larger smile spread across my face.

"Yeah?"

"Well, just--I, uh. Never mind, bye," he decided, and waved before turning around, and not looking back in my direction again.

My face fell. I turned away, and began to trod across the tile floor. A woman at a counter printed out my photos, and handed them to me in a dark green folder to shove into my purse. Through the Manhattan Mall I went, and back out onto the chilly sidewalk. People shouldered by me, their coat collars lifted to cover their necks. I adjusted to the atmosphere, and started down the sidewalk to the subway.

Thoughts flew through my head as I huddled and tried to retain my body heat in the chilly air. What had Alex been about to say? I pondered different scenarios, indulging myself in what could have been. The sun had sunk below the horizon, leaving behind a golden tinge to the sky that was slowly disappearing.

My phone buzzed, so I stopped walking and stepped closer to the building as to not get trampled by the other New Yorkers. I pulled it out of my jean pocket before I looked down at the glowing screen.

Alyssa: were still going to gramercy tavern after i get out of class right?

Me: Yeah.

Alyssa: youre paying XP

Me: As long as it's not too expensive, sure :)

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and kept walking, taking the stairs down into the transit station and getting onto the subway.

The seat I chose had a raggedy hole in it with yellow foam spilling out. I sat down next to a woman with big red headphones covering her ears. The subway rattled slightly as we traveled underground. Darkness wrapped around the train and squeezed comfort from the ride.

My attention turned to the confusion and disappointment I had felt as I left the mall. What had Alex been about to say before he changed his mind? What if he had been about to ask me out? My heart raced. He had decided not to. Was I not good enough for him?

I rubbed the silver ring thoughtlessly. Whatever he was going to say, he decided not to. There wasn't anything I could do about it now. I simply had to stop fretting over the details. Alex called me out. He had believed I was special, even if it was a fleeting thought in his mind. That had to be enough.

We stopped at my station, and I got off of the subway, traveling back up into the crisp, February air. I walked quickly down eighth street, making my way back to my dorm hall to get ready for dinner.

It had to be enough.

But it wasn't.