Virtual Connection

60.

Dedicated to melidite for being so awesome and organized all the time. Seriously, you can handle anything that the world throws at you and for that you're my inspiration, Melissa. Keep rocking on.

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Hi, Janette.

I don't know why I'm sending you a message now that you're...no longer there to read it...but I felt like I had to give you a reply. I just had to.

Janette, it's been 2 years since you've been gone. I couldn't drive back to Vancouver for your funeral. I guess I was still in denial about your death and going to your funeral would only confirm what I already knew but refused to accept. So I couldn't do it and I didn't know. Instead, I locked myself in my room for months. My parents worried about me and so did my friends.

I came back around but I was still messed up inside. I missed you like crazy, I still do but I didn't have the courage to send you a message until today. I knew deep down that you wouldn't be there to reply to me so I didn't send you any messages.

Thirteen months after your death, I grew some balls and drove to Vancouver to see you. The hospital helped me find you and when I saw your headstone, I broke down after reading your name on it. Everything crashed inside me and I don't know how long I'd been there, crying. I stayed there in Vancouver for a couple of days and kept visiting you every day. It was hard, my legs felt heavy every time I walked to you. But I'd accepted your death now. That didn't make it any easier, though.

I would cry almost every day for weeks even after I came back from Vancouver. I missed you, I couldn't help it. I missed your jokes and your teasing.

I re-read your last message to me and thought about it, like really thought about it. I didn't want to accept it at first but then I agreed with what you'd said. Cancer really does win in the end.

Your actions had me arguing with myself for months without end. I've always believed that suicide was wrong but your situation was a bit different. You were going to die slowly anyway because of cancer, so was it so wrong of you to end it before it slowly ate you away?

I don't think there's a right or wrong in this situation so in the end, I admired you for what you did. I admired you for giving cancer the middle finger and for beating it. I admired you for going through with what you said and for being brave till the very end. I admire you. And I love you.

Of course, there are times when I wish you hadn't done it. But still, I just couldn't help but admire you for your choices. And your actions helped me remember you as you really were. The sassy, grammarnazi, teasing Janette who loved accusing me being a gay pornoholic. X3

I'm sorry I took so long to come and finally visit you but I was a coward compared to you. It was just hard, it still is sometimes. But over time, it become less harder. It didn't become easy but it's not that hard now. I've accepted it now and I'm so proud of you, of how great and strong of a person you were.

I'm tearing up just typing this but I promise to never forget you and to always try and be as brave as you. Key word: Try.

You know, it's taken me months to send you this message. But I'm glad I did it. You deserved a reply.

I miss you, Jane. I wish I'd known you for a longer period of time, I wish you didn't have cancer, I wish I could've told you how much I love you. But again, this world isn't a wish granting factory, is it?

Yes, yes. I know I just quoted a line from TFIOS even though I think it's a pretty sappy story but the opportunity called for it.

I love you. I always will. And I finally have the courage to accept what happened, Jane so thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for existing and for going out with a bang. You rock.

Goodbye, Janette.

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THE END