Headlights - Joshler

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trigger warnings: homophobia, sexual/physical abuse, self-harm

aka get the tissues

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josh stood up and moved to the other couch where tyler sat. they were only a few inches apart before josh closed the empty space by slipping his hand under tyler's.

"are you ready to tell me?" josh asked, squeezing his hand.

tyler nodded his head and took a big breath before beginning. 

"it started at ring dance in eleventh grade. i only went because my mom made me go. i was standing against the wall of the gym, your typical high-school wallflower. i spent a lot of the night alone until a guy walked up to me. he introduced himself and we talked for a little bit. he was one of the popular kids, so i was surprised he was talking to me. i wasn't out of the closet yet, but i was an outcast."

josh nodded in understanding.

"he started being a little flirty towards me and he was cute, so naturally i flirted back. i was so excited that maybe i wouldn't be a loser anymore, maybe someone would like me- or even love me. then out of the blue he said, can i kiss you?  i nodded and could feel my heart beat wildly as i closed my eyes," tyler said, wistfully.

then his tone changed.

"but um..." tyler breathed. "my lips parted and i choked on something. i gagged hard and took a step back to get it out. when i opened my eyes, he was doubled-over laughing... and so was everyone else," he said getting quieter with every word.

josh shook his head in disbelief. "what... what was it?"

"it uh... it was a sex toy."

"oh- oh, tyler," josh stammered.

"i knew they must have planned it. my misery and humility is their amusement, their game. all of a sudden i was filled to the top with anxiety, fear, humiliation, and hundreds of other emotions. so, i ran. i ran out of the building. i ripped the blazer of my tux off and threw it on the ground as i ran along the sidewalk. i ran for a long, long time, until i was lost. i stopped and looked around me. there was no one around. i was alone. i ran for so long and i still was alone. that's when i broke down. i collapsed to the ground and cried. i cried in the cold darkness for probably an hour."

josh stared at tyler, blinking justly.

"...and that's when they found me. i don't know how they did because i was in the middle of nowhere, but they found me. the group of guys grabbed me and dragged me into the van, including the guy who did what he did to me before."

tyler stopped to breathe a shaky, unbalanced breath. josh watched as pain escaped his lips.

"want to know what happens next?" tyler said, smiling darkly.

josh remained silent.

"they raped me, josh. they raped me..." he said, looking away.

"oh, tyler-"

"-and i just took it. there was no use fighting. i laid there as they hit me. i laid there as they punched me. i laid there with tightening hands around my neck. i laid there as i choked on the unwanted things in my mouth. i laid there as i was drained of any last drop of dignity i had left in my undeserving, cold body." 

the tears came,  slowly sinking down his face, which was getting paler by the minute.

"tyler-"

"i was calling to jesus. i was calling to him, but he wouldn't do anything. i asked him to save me, please save me, but he didn't josh... why didn't he do anything?! why didn't he do anything, josh?" tyler asked, collapsing into josh's body, loud sobs escaping him.

josh pulled tyler tight into his body and felt his tears seep into his shirt against his stomach. he saw the scars, revealed from his slightly pulled up sweatshirt.

after minutes of crying, tyler's breath began to quicken and he began to breath out words in between cries. "worth- less,- use- less," he gasped out.

"tyler, no..." josh said, setting a hand down on his back.

"save- me, save- me," he begged, his cracking voice coming out muffled.

josh held tyler for a long time. he wondered if he could save tyler. he wondered if tyler was even able to be saved at all.

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this was so painful to write

i'm sorry ab this you have permission to hit me with a truck

bye