Never Have I Ever

Chapter 2

      After everything had settled and I had given Allen time to think about who he truly loved more, rumors started to spread, I didn't quite mind. None of them were about me, mainly about how Kevin and Allen had broken up. There were so many speculations, but only I really knew. The only thing I could think of was maybe Allen breaking up with Kevin meant that he loved me just so much more and the thought of that alone made me knot up inside. Maybe Allen did love me just as much I loved him although it felt like he never really showed it.  Allen texted me later on that day saying that we need to talk and that he would take me home. "Yes" I thought as I began to blush and smile a bit. The moment I have been waiting for is finally coming into reality.

     I waited impatiently for the school bell to ring and I ran straight to his car as soon as he did. He unlocked the doors, and I hopped in with excitement, as I leaned in to kiss him he didn't hesitate but by the look on his face, I could just tell that something was up.

      "What's up? What's the matter?" I asked.

      "I love you Deon, but I just need time to be.....by myself. Like i don't know. I just really need some time to think things over."

     "But I thought..... I mean I just figured you......" I paused for a moment in my own embarrassment. 

    "And that's just it Deon, I'm confused, I'm sure of my feelings for you and all but I just really don't want to jump the gun. I just don't feel like.... right now.... I'm even ready to be in a relationship." he says. 

   As My heart began to shatter, I honestly couldn't help but understand how he felt. This was a lot. Not just for me, but for him too.

   I gave him a one last kiss before I got out of the car.

  "You know you'll always be my baby right? No matter what anybody says or thinks, you'll always have a place in my heart " he stated with his signature smirk.

     As he said that, I felt as if I lost some weight off of my shoulders. I don't know what it was but it just felt like a relief to know that he truly still cared as much I as I did. As I walked in my room I could do nothing but simply lie on my bed and think. I let my mind ponder over thoughts of "what's if's " and "why not's" and I realized I wasn't exactly happy but I surely wasn't sad either. I just felt kind of incomplete, like I was truly missing something. Or maybe I just need to sleep, who knows?

    The next morning all I could think about was..... Allen. Is this what love feels like? Not being able do anything for yourself with out thinking of that person? Not being able to focus on anything or anyone else? It's truly miserable. Every thing I touch, it reminds me of him in some way. Watching tv, eating. Even in my dreams he was still there.No one ever knew how much we loved each other. I remember how we used to sit in his car at night with the seats let all the way back and just talk about the most random things. Or how on our "first time", it was just really awkward because neither of us knew what we were doing. But even through that, we enjoyed every minute of it. But what I think I  remember most is right before we broke up and he told me he couldn't do it any more. We had been arguing so much at the time and it was non stop. Everyday it would continue where we left off. It seemed like we'd make up and then find something else to argue about. And he just finally did it. He told me it was over. He finally broke up with me. My world crumbled and diminished in a matter of seconds. I couldn't believe it. He was the only guy I had loved and he was leaving me.

      After he said that, I Remember going to my medicine cabinet and grabbing six different pill bottles. I didn't even bother reading any of the labels. I just wanted to sleep, and never wake up again. My only thought was just ending it.... I just felt so sad. He was my world, my morning and night. He was everything I thought about and even more than that. The thought of losing him and having to live a life with out him honestly just seemed like a life I never ever wanted to experience. Foolish I know but I had planned out entire lives out and it was now never going to happen. I woke up the next morning over in a psychiatric ward of the hospital. They told me I had taken a enough pills to sedate a large animal and that if my mother hadn't found me in the time frame that she did, I wouldn't have made it.

I just felt so tired. Everything seemed so slow and dull. I mainly remember seeing my mother crying to my father on the phone (who was away on business at the time) just telling him how  worried and terrified for my life she was and I just felt numb. I felt selfish. I felt so stupid. I just ultimately felt like shit. I stayed in the hospital for about two weeks.  Through out my time I had select visitors here there who would come and go, however the hospital didn't allow too many . Some sending condolences and others just coming to chat and check in. And honestly, it was nice, but there was only one person I wanted to see and I was beginning to lose hope.

I woke up one afternoon after a long nap I had taken after one of my therapy sessions. And there he was. Sitting in a chair on his phone. He had been waiting for me. My heart felt so warm I began to cry. I tried to wipe it before he could see it but it was too late. He leaned over my bed side and rubbed my cheek wiping away my tears. He then leaned over even further and hugged my body like I had never felt before. I had felt so weak these past few days and his hug felt like a blessing.

I could feel him shaking as he started to cry on my shoulder.

"You really scared me. You know that ? Why the fuck would you do something so stupid ? If I would have lost you ... I just ...."

His voice started to break again and I honestly wanted to cry for him.

"Deon what could have possibly made you think that this was the answer to any problem ?" Allen said with a tone I was very used to.

" I just ..... I ....... I honestly don't know. You just mean so much to me and I honestly just can't live in a world where you're not in it. You're all that I've ever really dreamt of. " I stammered.

"You did this because of me ? I caused you to do this ?"  His reaction looked so pale.

I could tell by the way he was looking at me things weren't going to go so well from here on.

"Deon , I have to be honest with you. You are and you'll probably always be my everything. But if our relationship is putting this kind of stress on you maybe we really should ....... I don't know maybe we really just need a break from each other."

As vulnerable as I already was, his words felt like small daggers being thrown directly at me. I had already felt like garbage for days before this moment and now I finally got to see him and  he's basically breaking things off with me ...... For good.

As I started to cry. He gave me a kiss on my forehead and he just held me. The hospital beds weren't that big but Allen got in the bed with out a single problem. We didn't talk or anything. He just held me and I felt his warm embrace all over again. He had a magical way of making me feel safe in his arms.

As I'm lying on his chest I ask him one more time just to set my mind at ease. I needed this just to make me feel good. Make me feel better.

"Allen, promise me you'll always love me ?"

He hesitated at first as if he was thinking.

"Deon, I promise, no matter what happens you will always have a place in my heart. No one in this world could ever change that. "

His words had a sense of hope I hadn't felt in a long time but it made me feel ....... 

Secure.