Chapter 6

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     Sitting in the middle of class I started thinking about how easy things had become in my life without constantly stressing over things I had no control over. That kind of negativity can really eat you up inside. I realized that me being alone is giving me an all-new perspective on how to view things in life.
    Truth be told I feel like my relationship had a hold on me. It honestly took over everything that I was and that I used to be. But I can definitely say I'm not that same person anymore. I'm am an entirely new person and love wasn't my main focus anymore. I think now, I'm honestly just ready to meet someone I can simply get to know again. Like a fresh start. I just want to meet someone and forget all about what happened this last year and a half.
When I first came out, I had somebody helping me through the journey. I was getting to know him and myself all in the same process. Now it was just me. I was basically figuring myself out now and everything else that came along with that. It honestly seemed overwhelming at times but I figured it would get easy at some point.
I hadn't focused much on my mental health in the past and that has honestly taken its toll on the way I think about a lot of things. I had become so consumed with being with this one guy and trying to get him back and make him happy that I completely stop caring about myself.

Thinking about on all of that now I realize how problematic that was.

But damn I still loved that boy.

With my newly single status, I started hanging out with my best friend more.

London Marvin

This girl kept me grounded in more ways than I can even name. She helped when it came to most decisions concerning my relationship and my problems in general. But I had lost touch with her mainly because I wanted to focus on my relationship with Allen.

Which I can reflect back on now and see that that was not one of the brightest moments in my life.

     But I have to accept my failures and learn from them. I knew eventually I would have to make amends because In the end she truly was all I had.
I figured I'd reach out to London and go from there. See London was my very first best friend in high school. London and I met when I was a freshman and she was a sophomore. We had actually met a whole year before that through a mutual friend but she would never remember that. She had transferred to the school at the beginning of her sophomore year which basically made her a freshman too because she didn't know too many people at the school. We had both been assigned to the same first period and just happened to pick seats right next to each other on the first day of school. Me being really nervous and shy, I was never really too big on trying to make conversation with strangers but she kind of pulled me into it with her constant joking.

I have to admit she was pretty funny.

      We had this very old, white, office secretary who was at least 80 years old and on a walker and not mention she was balding too. She moved beyond slow as hell and talked with the slowest southern drawl you've probably ever heard. London saw the lady and just went at it with the jokes. Of course, only I could hear her which made this even funnier because no one else knew what we were laughing at.

I think from that point on we kind of just kept talking and slowly got closer and closer. I honestly was stuck with her and she was stuck with me. That's what made things so hard. When I started dating Allen, I became so consumed with keeping up with him and making him happy that I honestly cut her out of my life. I honestly don't even know why I did it, but for some reason, I just stop making time for her and eventually she stop trying to fight for the friendship on her end completely. I guess she figured if I wanted to be friends I would show it.

She was right.

At that point, I knew I had to make up with her. And I was willing to do whatever I had to, to let her know I was serious about us being good friends again. I called her up a few days after
I had ended things with Allen. During the conversation, she told me she had missed me and was keeping up with drama from the school gossip just to see how I was doing. But her pride held her back from actually saying anything.

I could understand that. She was always very headstrong

We eventually said our "sorry"s and went on as if we had never fallen off. We literally talked about everything that night. She was telling about her boyfriend and how he and she had recently had a pregnancy scare. It honestly shocked me to hear her say that, not because she was having sex (because I already knew that) but to hear she was having unprotected sex and slipped up. Like I honestly couldn't imagine her as a parent at this age. It just didn't seem realistic. But then I imagined myself in the same scenario.

What the hell what I do with a baby at this age? Panic. That's what. I would lose my shit.

I've never understood how some people manage to take care of kids at such an early age and I guess I never will. I just couldn't imagine bringing a person into the world knowing I'm not even close to where I want to be in life? I couldn't handle the responsibility of knowing there's a little me in the world whose main source of survival would be me and that's it. It honestly stressed me out just thinking about.

But then again, I over analyze literally EVERYTHING.

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