Mentality

Chapter Eighty Four: Howl

I looked down at the crib that was in the bedroom. Phil was standing next to me looking down at it with me. A small baby was fast asleep. A blanket was wrapped around it and a hat was snug on their head.

"Beautiful." Phil smiled, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"They look just like their daddy." I smiled before looking up at Phil. He pecked my lips.

"I love you." He smiled softly.

"I... have to use the toilet." I smiled before walking off to the bathroom. The doorbell rung, signifying someone arrived. "Can you get that, Phil!" I shouted.

"Yeah!" He replied. I heard his footsteps go passed the bathroom door and down the stairs. I heard the front door open and the atmosphere was filled with Eloise's voice. I quickly finished up and went out to the hall. I was instantly met with Phil.

"Elly is here." I nodded.

"I'm just going to check on the baby. I'll be down in a second." I smiled at him before going towards the bedroom where the crib was.

"Baby, auntie Elly is here." I whispered as I walked towards the empty crib. "Baby?" I looked down.

"Phil!!!" I screamed, rushing towards the bedroom door.

{***}

"Howl, Howl, wake up." Someone shook me awake. I looked up at the person and groaned.

"What?" I rubbed my eyes before sitting up. Phil was sitting up next to me, his hair was dishelved and he looked exhausted.

"You were screaming in your sleep again." He stated, looking at me.

"It was just a nightmare, Phil." I wiped my eyes. I kicked my legs off the bed nad stood up. "I'm fine. Really." I nodded, looking at him.

"Do you want to-"

"No. I don't want to talk about it. Because if I talk about it I have to go through the fact that I can never have kids and I will never come to terms with that. And I keep having these nightmares where we actually have a baby together and someone comes to visit and I check on our adorable little dream baby and it's gone. The baby is there one second and gone the next. It's not there because I can't have a baby." I snapped, looking at him. "I feel useless. I know that dumb. But I do. I feel useless." I sighed, looking at the ground.

"Hey, hey, hey, don't cry." Phil walked on the bed on his knees. He carefully wrapped his arms around me. I buried my face into the crook of his neck. "It's okay." He whispered, flattening my hair as he rubbed my back. "You're not useless, Howl." He whispered into my ear. "Don't think like that. You'll never be useless. You will always have a reason to be useful. You are the love of my life. Don't think lie that. Please." He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tighter. I carefully nodded. "We don't have to have kids. We'll adopt. Or we'll watch Dan and Maia's kids."

"It's not that, Phil. I understand we don't have to have kids. I wanted kids. I wanted my own little girl. I want my own daughter that will wear a fucking tutu. I want to have a reason to buy a little tutu."

"So, we'll adopt. The little girl or boy we adopt will still be our child. They just won't be our child." He stated softly. "I'll give you a reason to buy a little tutu, Howl."

"Okay." I replied in a small whispered. "Okay." I nodded. Phil pulled away from me and looked at me.

"Are you okay?"

"I won't be okay. I'll be just fine." I nodded. Phil pecked my lips. "I have to go get ready to have coffee with my brother's pregnant fiancé now." I dropped my arms to my side before trudging off to the bathroom.