Mentality

Chapter Forty One: Howl

I stepped back and closed the door. Well, more like slammed it.

I let out a deep breath before flopping onto my bed. Tears rolled down my face. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I shouted into my pillow as loud as I could and as hard as I could.

"Come on, Howl!" Phil yelled from the other side of my bedroom door.

"Fuck off, Phil!" I yelled, standing up and sat against the door.

"No!! I'm staying here till you leave!"

I sighed, pulling my knees up to my chest. I buried my face in my knees, taking a deep breath.

"bullshit." I muttered. Scratching came from the other side of the door.

"It's true. I hope you know that." Phil started. His voice became soft. "Oh god... Do I love you..." A deep sigh came from him. "I've been trying to push those feelings away for almost 4 years. I tried not having any contact with you. But, the times Dan insisted I went to see."

"Phil, stop. Please." I squeezed my eyes shut, tears still rolling down my cheeks.

"Then there were the times you came with us on some of those outings. Boy. Did those screw me up." He chuckled lightly. "After four years of keeping those feelings from you and Dan... I feel a tiny bit better." Phil said. "Heh. I remember when you first colored your hair. It was a weird shade of pink. Your mum and dad were mad about that." He chuckled. "I thought you looked cute."

"I'm sorry, Phil. But, I like Jackson."

"But, he isn't good for you. Howl, why can't you see that? He calls you horrible, horrible things. Dan and I were looking for models for the store and we were considering you. But, we weren't sure what you would say. We weren't sure if you were going to ask him. No one likes Jackson anyway."

"Why?" I asked, feeling a little hurt that he just said that.

"Your mum and dad don't like him cause they've never met him. Dan doesn't like him cause he's such an ass and treats you wrong. Same goes for Louise. I don't like him cause he's hurting the girl I love." Phil sighed.

"I get that you love me, Phil. But it would never work between us."

"Why?" He asked.

"Dan. Dan is why. He would hate me. He would hate you. I don't want to break up a perfect friendship. I love Dan too much to do that to him." I replied, laying my head on the door.

"Screw Dan." Phil cried lightly.

"No. Please. I don't want to hurt him, Phil!" I exclaimed, shaking my head. "I want to stay friends. Because if we break up, Dan is going to have to pick between us. And I don't want to do that to him. I'm not a bitch."

"Okay. I'm sorry." He said. After a minute it became deafeningly quite. I almost couldn't handle it. So, I pulled the door open. Phil was sitting on the ground. His eyes were closed and his cheeks were tear stained.

"Stand up." I looked down at him. "Phil, stand up. Dan is going to be home soon." I held out my hand. He took it and pulled himself up. Very suddenly, he wrapped his arms around me, enveloping me in a bear hug.

"Can we just stay like this forever?" He asked, his lips touching the top of my head.

"No. Go clean yourself up." I said, wiggling out of his arms. He looked at me without on his face. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that." I said, going into my room to change.

"Howl, are you okay? You seem out of it." Jackson asked, looking at me from across our booth. He's not wrong. I mean. Phil just told me that he loves me.