flaws || c.h. au

epilouge ♡

The screaming I got from calum's mom was too much for me to handle, but it was well deserved. I knew it wasn't my fault that car had hit us, but I was there. I survived, calum didn't.

She ended moving away from here, though. I guess that was a good thing. I would've moved too if I could. Everything around here reminded me of calum. Somehow, though, It was comforting to think about when he was here, breathing. 

it wasn't easy getting over calum, it wasn't easy convincing myself it wasn't my fault, either.

remember the night in the field? when I talked about how he should move on and be happy and "forget but not forget" if I died?

it was bullshit.

all of it.

I thought I understood that dying was inevitable and that it was okay. that death was okay. that it would happen to us all.

but oh, how stupid I was. I had no idea how painful it would be. the feeling of losing someone you love. gripping onto the person you love most's hand and feeling it go limp. watching as all the doctors try to help him live even though you know its no use because he's already gone. hearing them call out the time of death and the doctors voice repeating it over and over in your head. the looks that everyone gives you, that look of pity and sorrow. and knowing that you'll never hear his sweet voice ever again.

calum was my first love, he always will be. he smiled at the end of everything though, which made it even more sad. the image of his smile stays in my head. his lips slightly curved upwards as i held his hand tightly after they called out his time of death. soon enough though, he was truly gone. everything inside of his mind, his thoughts, his beautiful laugh and his voice and the warmth of his body was gone. his smile...all gone.

his death was the end of me, i stopped talking for a year, maybe more. i tried everything. the therapy they gave didn't work, they told me to write notes but i refused. he would never read them so what was the point? I tried to talk about him but it was obvious i couldn't even utter a single word without it reminding me of him. but the one thing i did do, the only time i did talk was when I talked about him in my sleep, everyone told me i screamed his name and cried for him to come back.

the dreams i had of him were vivid. I remember them all. I could see him so clearly, like he was right there. like we were back in his moms car, listening to green day smiling, laughing. it always started out like a happy dream which made me cry even more, the thought of being happy with calum, even the thought of him breathing had me sobbing on the ground wishing for him to come back to me. But after the happiness of the dream everything flew by, the car hitting us and calum putting his arm around my body to protect me , his sweet voice yelling my name, my horrific screams echoing in my mind, his last words repeating over and over.

i went crazy for almost two years. yeah, I started to talk after year one. but never once did i forget. never once did I forgive myself, I don't think I ever could forgive myself either way, though.

every night at 8:47 i look up at my ceiling and whisper his name, I cry almost every time. 8:47 was the exact time he died, I remember being there when they called it out. I refused to leave the room. no one dared to drag me out , my grip on his hand was too tight.

At 8:46 he was with me, breathing. he was alive and he was here. and only a minute later he was gone. One minute is the amount of time it takes for someone you love to just disappear.

my dreams and my screaming became too much for my family to bare, they took me to a hospital so they could help me. I understood. I didn't blame my parents. If i was them I couldn't deal with me either, the constant screaming and crying. my parents did come to visit me, of course, but sometimes there was nothing to talk about. only the average 'I miss you' and 'I love you' but other than that, it was only silence.

I stayed in the hospital for a year, and during that year I met someone who made it all...better.

he was like me, he talked a lot but he lost someone too.

so we became friends, best friends actually.

he became the only reason I kept my sanity.

he was amazing, but he wasn't calum. I loved calum with everything I had but I found someone new. someone who took away my sorrow. at least most of it, anyway.

and although his beautiful voice still haunts me in my dreams I know he isn't the only one.

so maybe some of what I said in that field was true. calum would want me to move on. and although I have someone new, it doesn't mean I don't remember.

I kept my necklace on, I held the star when I missed him and it gave me happiness. it gave me hapiness because after a while, a long, long while, it gets better.

and you start to realize that they're gone and never coming back so all you can do is remember and smile.

smile at all the great memories and move on.

im happy now.

im happy because everything got better. i am happy because i found someone I care about, and now I get another chance.

and this time,

I won't look for anymore flaws.

**

i cried writing this.