Under control JB & JM ( #watty2017 )

00:40

The sound of the silence filled my ears that were ready for him to say anything to fill their hunger for his words. I didn't like the way he was looking at me but I still wanted to hear him out, maybe just maybe what he will say wasn't what I was thinking or at least, that was what I fed myself until it comes to an end.

"Lindsay," he repeated as he looked up at me, meeting my eyes for the first time since he walked in this room. "I know that I've hurt you multiple times but..." Looking down at his hands as he laced his fingers together, he sighed. Something inside of me was pushing the urge to just jump in his arms and hug him tight and tell him to ignore everything I said but I couldn't find the reflection to do that. I bite my lip and watched him thinking. He pushed his hand in his pocket and took out a paper. He took a look at it before placing it next to me, a sad and sorry grin creeped on the corner of his lips before turning around and leaving the room.

I frowned not understanding what was going on. At first I thought it was coke in the paper but when I unfolded I saw words. I sighed not knowing what it was or if it's his but that didn't stop me from taking a deep breath and started to read.

Lindsay.

I wanted to face you with everything I have in mind, with all my emotions and all my feelings but I knew that if I did, we won't end up who I want us to be. I'm just not good with words so I preferred to write them down which will be easier for me to say everything and also for you to take a moment to understand everything.

I write with no intentions of hurting you, otherwise, I'm trying to make you know why this whole story happened and why we are here now. Maybe, just maybe, words will change anything at all. Before saying anything, I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, therefor I beg to see the big forgiving part of your heart forgiving me for my bad behaviour, not only since you came back but since we met. This isn't my character that you see nowadays so that's why I'm willing for you to give me a chance to explain myself. You must let go of all the hateful thoughts that you have toward me, the worst moments of me hurting your feelings, your heart, hurting you. I know I've done so many fucked up things but I deserve one more chance to explain myself. I am demanding for you to not think with your feelings, which is probably hating on me now, but with your justice.

Just reading this makes me want to just get up and go hug him and tell him I forgive him for everything but I know how much Jason is going through a lot and used a lot of effort to write this down for me to read and understand so I attend to read it till the final point. He thinks I hate which was so far from reality. I thought he didn't want to be with him anymore but from what I read so far, wanting to leave me is the last of his intentions.

Before you, the other sex wasn't something I wanted to deal with. Forgive me for saying this but I'm trying to say everything, the only thing I wanted from women was sexual interactions but it wasn't the same for you. When we first met, I just knew I wanted you. Not sexually but just close to me. I didn't know what love was. All I knew was that I wanted to always see you. I thought about you more than I ever thought about anyone else and Josh realized that something was going on too because of my lack of presence in meetings for missions, the lack of concentration if I go, the way I would ignore their calls and texts just because I want to stay home and think of a way to find you and make you mine.

We met again and I was so grateful. Matthew talked about you more than he talked about anyone else. I knew he loved you but I didn't care. My feelings were hidden so I didn't try and respond to anything but I obviously was the one to make the first move. I came and talked to you. At first, I tred to get you just like I did to any other girl but then realized that you were different. I tried again in a way you would understand and you did. I didn't understand what attracted you to me but I was grateful for whatever it was. I invited you over a couple of times which got us closer and closer but I didn't want that. I hated how I was getting attached to someone. I hated how I was thinking about you constantly and daily. I knew it would destroy you being close to someone like me. I knew being with me will be the beginning of a death way for you and I was right. As hard as I tried to keep you away from coke, you were the intelligent one in us and was able to sneak some in a paper and take them home with you. The stubborn person you always were and always will be, you made sure to do the exactly opposite of what I told you to do.