12// feeling

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by that_ome_writer

by that_ome_writer

Christian is laying on my couch looking at me with his sad eyes. Tears rest upon the rims of his eyes as I explain why.

"Im good at faking it." I smirk slightly as I wipe at my cheeks with my palm. "I was always the 'happy friend' and I love that title. I smile a lot to help brighten myself up. But while I was with him, thats the happiest Ive been. Yeah, it was a short amount of time.. And I fell too hard for someone I barely knew. But he was still this little spec of light, it the dark that I was always seeing. But every time that light faded, so did I."

"But you seemed like you were doing so well before him. It was after him that you became addictive and suicidal. You found him and pushed us." He says as he traces circles on his own knee.

"I know. We were toxic, even now if he came back it wouldn't be the same. I did him so wrong. But he wasn't innocent either. Theres this weird connection though, I don't understand why I love him. Maybe it was lust, or gluttony. Fuck even envy. I had reached such a desired feeling of happiness and I didn't want it to slip away." I cross my legs and light a cigarette. Running my hand through my hair before I take a drag.

"Would you be with him if he came back? Would you desert me again?" He chokes

"If he walked in right now, no. Im still mad at him. I don't deserve to be the angry one, but its better than being the sad pitiful one." I roll the cigarette between my fingers.

"I don't want you to die Julie." His brows furrow and he suddenly looks so small, and fragile.

"I don't want to die today, so don't worry." I giggle.

"Zach seems nice." He smiles at me.

I gnaw at my cracked lip, the mark he left yesterday morning.

"Yeah he's great at taking my shit." I shiver at the thought of him.

He looks down at his watch and sighs.

"I have to go to work now. Amie said if you still want your job you need to come back this week."

"Okay."

// just tryna give some backstory + insight to feels. This chapter is pretty shit but its 1am and I'm exhausted from work.
❤️