The Fearful Institute

Anger & Frustration

I feel hopeless, depressed, angry, unstable, but most of all...I'm scared. The bathtub is full of warm water, a rusty tub that's holding in all the sweaty sorrows I have. The other day I was sitting in the doctor's office again, he was checking on me about my medication. I told the truth and said that I never took them, I told him I want to be myself and not someone who's just going to lay around like they're not actually there. He asked me if I wanted to discuss anything else, I did...but I was afraid. Last night before I fell asleep with Eddie in my arms, I felt darkness around my heart, suffocating the pure soul that's somehow becoming...tenebrous. My brown eyes are roaming around the room, staring up at the ceiling losing hope that my life will become normal again. I know that Eddie is changing me, but I don't know if it's the way I want him to. What if he's turning me into a monster, I'm not...he is.

Something is always pulling me back to him; he's like a magnet that's been damaged. But has a strong enough grip to pull me close and whisper in my ear, "stay with me." The water sooths my body as my strength starts to grow weak as the thoughts run through my mind. Is this the first step into insanity? Growing weak in reality, but when you just start to turn your mind into a never ending play, you're stronger than ever? That's how I'm changing; everything that I see in front of my eyes isn't real. The people walking around me are just ghosts that are apparitions; Eddie is just someone as lost as me. I woke up this morning with a note under my arm, it was from Eddie and it was as beautiful as all the others.

Dear my sweet prince, pick me up and take me like a pill because I have damaged you. Sorry is just a word that will never be spoken through the flow I take with my tongue. There is no sorry in order for my past actions. But, I love you. You're the reason why I haven't scared anyone away from t he institution, or why no one has disappeared. You're probably becoming afraid of me now, please don't. There's no reason to burn the roses that are blooming between us, the ocean drying out that's separating us, and the fire burning out that's keeping our feelings further from each other.

I hear an obnoxious banging on the bathroom door and it's one of the nurses trying to tell me I need to get out so another patient can come in. I wrap my towel around my waist. Great, I forgot to bring a pair of clothes in with me, whatever. The door swings open and I nurse appears in the doorway, in the reflection of the mirror that's a bit foggy from the hot water that was running earlier.

"It's another patient's turn now Aleks." She says and holds her arm out to my room, I walk past her and she helps another person take their clothes off, someone with a disability, someone not able to do things themselves; a curse they have. Searching through my drawers I find a shirt that's not familiar to me, and the smell runs through my nose; Eddie. I pull the shirt out and slide it over my head; it's a little big for me, but it brings me comfort and warmth. The weather is getting colder and the institute has no heat that can run through the entire building; fireplaces are useless here. Jeans are pulled over my legs and wrapped around my waist, tightly buttoned and zipped all the way. I don't bother to put shoes on since I'm not going anywhere, I can't stop pressing my nose to either one of my shoulders, and the smell of Eddie is just full of roses and beauty; Invisible kisses that can be tasted through the nostrils of my nose.

"The old nun kicked you out didn't she?" Eddie asks as he leaned against my dresser. He has the same type of long shirt that I'm wearing, except his is black and mine is red. He smiles and takes all the steps that are need to touch my hands. "Sorry, I left early this morning, the nuns were patrolling and if they caught me I would get a kick ass beating." I run my finger across his spiked chin and his side burns as I study the scars on his forehead and on the corner of his mouth.

"What are these scars from?"

"Nothing you need to know about." He says right after I finish my sentence in a strict tone, he's hiding something; his past maybe. I smile slightly and ignore the disturbed look in his darker brown eyes, my eyes look down at our feet, he's wearing the same blue converse as yesterday, the only thing different is that they're covered in mud. He raises an eyebrow in deep question.

"Is something wrong with my shoes?" He asks.

"No, they're just really dirty, you wore those yesterday." I say and smile as my arms wrap around his neck, another smile grows across his face. His smile reminds me of my younger brother that died from suicide. He wanted to be free when he was falling too deep in hell; all he did was accompany the devil when he hung himself on the living room fan. My fingertips run down his soft neck and grip tightly, digging my nails inside his flesh. A rush of air comes up my throat and I start to cough, I lose my balance and lean forward on Eddie's chest. His arms instantaneously wrap around my waist as he holds me up, his warm minty breath functioning up my nose.

"Whoa, did you take anything you weren't supposed to?" He asks concerned. My eyes are stuck and they don't move. No, I didn't take anything I wasn't supposed to, but I was supposed to take "something". I shake my head and try to balance myself out, his hands acting as an anchor for my body; I'm like a little toddler trying to walk all over again. "You really remind me of someone, Eddie." I whisper in his ear and cross my legs around each other, my chest touching his and our sleeves getting tangled up in each other. My face is buried in his neck and I can feel him relax, letting out the tension as he settles down.

"Like who?"

"My brother, but he's gone now."

We don't separate, and don't try to make eye contact. He doesn't try to comfort me or apologize for my loss; he knows that I don't want anyone telling me sorry for something so long ago. But now all I can feel are his lips pressing off and on my neck, soft kisses going up my neck and then across my jaw line.

"Everyone in this place is all fucking insane, including you. But that's alright; we're all a little crazy on the inside." He whispers in my ear in a husky voice, everything grows quiet and it blackens, all the sudden I feel like something is going to grab a hold of my ankles and drag me under a bed; rip me apart after.

"Keep rewinding the play that helps you sleep at night, and survive in the day." He whispers and gives me one last, slow kiss on my neck.