Shatter

Chapter 6: Tears in the Typing Pool

Chapter 6: Tears in the Typing Pool

The next few days passed as slowly as the first. It was Friday, Conner's service was tomorrow and I was supposed to be off to school in seven weeks for a week head start program for Freshmen. It was optional of course, but I hadn't expected these circumstances before. I was now contemplating college.

I could barely survive day to day here with my friends and family around, how would I make it on my own. The truth was I hadn't talked to anyone. I was sure I had dozens of phone messages waiting for me downstairs. I didn't dare turn on my phone, it was sure to be full of messages of concern or support, neither of which I cared to see.

I hadn't cried since that day at Conner's house. I was too numb to cry. It would be selfish to cry, I would only be crying for myself. My days were spent sleeping and listening to sad music. The dreams and nightmares continued, but I got used to their presence, constant sleep will do that to a person. Most of the music I listened to was about people losing loved ones and living without love. I wondered if any of the writers felt the guilt I had to live with everyday of knowing that my selfishness killed the love of my life. 

For the last six days since Conner's death I hadn't left my bed. I hadn't even seen or talked to my mother since that day at the Millers' house. A part of me felt too ashamed for walking out on Janice, the only person who I knew my pain. I walked out on her. I didn't want to be seen. I only wanted to wallow in my self pity and mourning.  

I took a breath in. I hadn't showered since I found out and I smelled little off. Finally after being paralyzed for six days I got out of bed and went to take a shower. Maybe it would wash away some of the guilt that I felt. 

I ran into my mom in the hall. During my six day stay in bed, I had seen her peeking through my door. She hadn't heard any cries or sobbing coming from my room. She had obviously been worried about me. Maybe she expected to look in and see that I had killed myself. That was feasible. I had thought about it. It would have made things easier. No more pain. I wouldn't have to worry about living my life without Conner, because I too would be dead. I decided that was too selfish and I had already ruined enough with my self-centered thinking. 

"Hi honey. It's nice to see you out of your cave. How are you?" She seemed to be asking more than she was really asking. She wanted to know if I wanted to kill myself, if I was hurting myself in there. She probably expected me to come out of my room with my wrist covered in several self inflicted incisions. 

"I'm fine," I uttered in a low raspy voice as I made my way to the bathroom. 

"Oh. While I have you here, did you want to ride to the funeral with me or drive yourself?" Did she actually think I would be attending the funeral? I doubted Janice and Richard would even want me there, only for me to walk out in the middle of the eulogy. 

"I'm not going so don't worry about it." I was still being rude, but it just came out naturally. Her face was saddened, she was hurt. 

"But you're supposed to speak at the service. Janice needs you there sweetie." 

"I'm sure she'll deal without me, and I doubt she or Richard want me anywhere near them after what I did," I declared. 

"Honey, you are hurt. I'm sure they will understand. Janice knows exactly what you are going through, she could probably be a big help right now. You are going through a lot baby." I knew she wouldn't leave me alone unless I gave her some hope that I would attend. 

"Okay, maybe I will go, but I'm driving myself." If I did go, which I wasn't intending, I wanted a getaway car. 

"Okay, I'm sure you'll make the right choice Ellie." She reached for my hand but I pulled it away and let myself into the bathroom. During my shower I thought and thought about what I would say if I did decide to go to the funeral. Would I talk about fun times we had, or were those for my private thought collection only? Would I talk about how amazing he was, even though I was quite sure that everyone already knew that. What was I doing? I wasn't going anyway.