Littered with cuts

My Demons

I feel so stressed. I eat an entire bowl for cereal, have some nuts, have a normal lunch(a bowl of rice and some veggie meat fish), have dinner and snack time at night. However, my mother still goes on and on about my food intake and weight. She claims that a meal of KFC is too little and I should supplement it with a bowl of rice. Like who am I kidding. It is 1000kcal. She wants me to gain 6kg in mere months or quit horse riding. Having bought a weighing machine, she wants me to weight myself every day and take measurements of my waist bust and hips. That is very triggering for me because I used to do that a lot when I was dieting intensely. Noodles are forbidden because she feels that it has lesser calories than a bowl or rice. All I can eat is rice, meat and veggie for almost every meal. If I wake up late and miss breakfast, she will be having conniptions for the whole day. She will make me patch up by eating another bowl of rice between lunch and tea break. Even if I increase my lunch portion, I will still have to eat another bowl of rice between lunch and tea break. In addition to that,I have to eat at specific timings. If she oversleeps and wakes up at 8pm, I'll be blamed for not waking her up and how eating at 9pm will cause me to lose weight drastically. Her eyes will roam my body superciliously as she makes derogatory comments about my body and weight. Example: You look like a boy. Maybe you should be a boy. You are the ugliest creature in the world. You do not have a body of a human. You should kill yourself because you look so ugly. Nobody will love you or employ you because you are so ugly. She will then compare me to everyone else on the planet. She makes me eat so much sometimes I just feel so bloated. I feel like throwing up. Threats of quiting horse riding, feeding me weight gain pills, and checking me into a hospital are not uncommon. I feel so trapped. Caged in a dovecote. All my demons have resurfaced because of her. I will think about calories because She will say (MCDONALDS IS JUST HALF A PORTION.YOU HAVE TO EAT ANOTHER BOWL OF RICE TO SUPPLEMENT IT. I'll then tell her that Mc Donalds is 1000kcal and see.... The thought of calories have resurfaced). When she makes me weigh myself every day,I am reminded of how I used to think I was rotund and I hate weighing scales. I have a strong aversion towards life. My demons have returned and ironically, it has been resurrected by the one who was trying to "help" me.