Littered with cuts

Flashback-part II(I met Ana)

A new school year started and I was fourteen. By then, I was a frequent cutter, one that was yet to be exposed. That year was the worst year of my life. Being held captive in depression's vice like grip, I was a vulnerable teenager. Many of my classmates were equally depressed and some were dieting. Since it was a new fetish for everyone, I thought I'd give it a go. It's not that I could decide for myself anyway. I saw how everyone was counting calories and eating in front of them made me feel bloated. Harsh comments were thrown my way(as per usual). I vividly remember an idiot yelling,"OMG you've just eaten nine Oreos! How is that even possible?" and during physical education class, another rotund girl called me fat. Two years ago, thigh gaps were an in-trend and my classmate kept making me look at everyone's thighs. That was how I got obsessed. She would get me to look at someone's thighs and she'll tell me if the person has a thigh gaps(I didn't know what the hell was a thigh gap. I thought there was a legitimate gap in someone's thighs). Now thigh gaps just seem so wrong. Maybe because it isn't a legitimate word. She would then give off a bloodcurdling laugh that would resonate within my brains. Once, she even lifted my skirt up to check if I had thigh gaps. That was how bad it had gotten. I decided that that was it and that I was going to be the skinniest girl at school so that I will not be called fat. Also, I didn't dare to eat in school anymore after that mortifying incident in the canteen where everyone looked at me as I wolfed down nine Oreos.

I was never an overweight child to begin with. In fact, I have always been underweight. It is so sad that the web of lies and deceit my classmates created got to me and destroyed me from inside out. I was 39kg before I started dieting in June 2014.

I started by cutting back on breakfast and recess from Monday to Friday and had proper meals on Saturday and Sunday to avoid arousing suspicions. However, because I was increasingly withdrawn and depressed all the time, a gargantuan change from my former self, my teachers took notice. I was beguiled into seeing the counsellor, thinking it was some committee meeting I had to attend. When I was introduced to the counsellor, adrenaline pulsates through my veins as I was filled with consternation. I wanted to be in the shadows but knowing counsellors, there goes my secret, splayed out for the world to see. She kept emphasizing the need to eat and all that bull but at that time, I wasn't receptive at all. I wanted to stave, I wanted to be thin, even if it meant to die trying.

When my mother was notified of my cutting habits, she broke down and bought me a teddy bear, but, mummy, some people are incorrigible. We cannot be brought back to life by a teddy bear. Thank you for trying though. I attended regular therapy sessions but I was broken beyond repair. Once, I was even scolded in front of everyone at the parade ground by my teacher for cutting. It was so embarrassing I felt like withering and pulverizing my face till I was disfigured and unrecognizable. I had decided to bottle up my feelings and just go with the flow. Writing this book opens the floodgates to my memories and certainly brings tears to my eyes. And I'm not even at the worst part yet.

In November, where again things exacerbated, my diet was full blown. I stopped eating completely and my routine was as followed-
Morning 8am-make breakfast for mum
9am- head down to McDonald's to grab a coke light
10am- run 6km
10.30am-do 300jumping jacks
11am-12pm- sleep after showering
3pm- go out for lunch, where I purge all the contents of my lunch
5pm- run 2.4km
6pm-shower and sleep
10pm-head down to grab dinner, where I surreptitiously get rid of my meal by throwing them in tissues

After not eating for two weeks, I kept getting fainting spells and my church leader stepped in. She talked to me at Starbucks, where I fainted and was taken to the hospital a few days after because "too much fainting was an impediment to my life" my family doctor took my ECG and blood pressure and blood sugar level. My heart rate was only 40;blood pressure was 72 and blood sugar level was 3.0. I was immediately given two glucose shots and by golly it hurt like hell. I was rushed to the A&E department where I was carted off to the psycho unit to be evaluated by a psychiatrist.

I missed my violin recital and before that, I was so frail I had issues playing the violin. I remember I was supposed to play a piece and the speed of the piece was presto. The song was Typewriter by Leroy Anderson. I kept taking breaks during my violin rehearsals and I couldn't keep up with the tempo. That was when I knew I was gone. My teacher knew something was up, but being a reticent guy, he decided to keep quiet and go with the flow.

A/N
I will be writing about my perilous journey in the mental facility in the next chapter, stay in touch! It's about my struggle with Ana, Mia, Deb, Cat and more. Did I find light at the end of the tunnel? Only time will tell. Actually it's quite blatant that I did not. But oh well.