A Haunting Past: an Avengers/x-men fanfiction

Affirmation

I sat in the room Sam made for me and I thought about what Lisa said.  I know I have a problem but I can't admit it out loud.  People would think I'm weak and I hate being seen as a weak child.  I'm stronger than I look but if you get to my core, you realize I'm a scared little girl lacking courage and a family.

"What are you thinking about?" Sam asks from the doorway into my room.  I look down at the dogtags in my hands and I feel a few tears slip down my cheeks.  I feel my walls breakdown and the emotions that I've been trying to control all my life come to the surface.  I'm in my rawest form and Sam realizes it.  I feel him put his arm around my shoulder as I let everything out.

"I can't do this anymore." I tell him as everything comes forward.  I feel everything all over again.  The emotions threaten to destroy me but Sam tries to pull me back to the present gently.

"Tell me what you're feeling." He tells me and I sit there and tell him everything that I've kept inside.  I stopped crying after a while but then I was left feeling vulnerable.  My walls were gone and I was in a fragile state.  "Have you ever told anybody the truth?" He asks.

"No.  I thought they would look down at me if they knew I was so fragile on the inside.  So I just decided that I couldn't let them see me as weak because people take advantage of that.  I showed S.H.I.E.L.D. some memories but it opened up a floodgate, I didn't want to control.  You're the only one who can know this." I plead with him.

"What about the nightmares?" He asks and I shake my head.

"I'll come to you if things get bad again.  I can handle it know that someone else knows everything." I stand up.  "I'm going on a walk." I tell him as I grab my SHIELD badge and a jacket.  My cell phone sat in my pocket as I raced outside.  I didn't know where I was running to but I couldn't stop.  I felt more tears slipping down my cheeks as I let all my emotions out.  My lungs screamed for more oxygen but I didn't care about my physical needs just my mental ones.

~*~*~*~*~

I sat on the swing in a random park for a couple of hours.  I didn't notice the red car park somewhere to my left but I did feel Natasha put a hand on my shoulder.  I turn to look at her and she smiles sadly at me.

"Did Sam call you?" I ask as she sits next to me on the swings.  I didn't have the energy to head back to Sam's yet and my lungs were telling me to just stay here for a while.

"No Fury called." She replies and I nod.  He probably has someone keeping tabs on me and I wouldn't be surprised if the person thought I was having an emotional break down.  "But Sam called to let Captain know that you're ready to come back to the compound."  She replies.  I wasn't ready but I guess Sam wouldn't know what I needed at this exact moment.  Going back might be better for me to heal but I couldn't let Victor stop me.

"I'm not ready to go back there." I reply as I try to find the words to tell her everything.  "I just need a break right now and honestly SHIELD would probably get my mind off of this.  Do you think Fury would let me work for him for a couple weeks?" I ask her.

"If your lung was healed, yes but right now you need to take a break.  I know you're wary to return to the compound but I think it would do you good. If after three weeks you still feel like this, well then I'll fly you to the helicarrier myself."  Nat promises.

"I guess that would be ok, but Nat don't tell anyone our deal.  I don't want them to worry and right now I'm just trying to get a handle on my life again." I tell her.

"Kid, no one is going to know what you said. I'll even keep what Sam said between us three." She says and I realize Sam told her everything.  I sigh heavily even though it hurts and I stand up.  "Don't worry he only told me."